Compare My Brain To Scrambled Eggs

I broke up with my boyfriend of over 14 months this past week. I couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with him the day after he went on a rampage because he was out of weed. He was breaking things in his bedroom, kicking things, stabbing empty beer/soda boxes with his knife and stabbing his knife into the wall. I was so scared. For some reason I felt like he blamed me. He decided to watch an anti-feminist youtube video. He knows how important womens rights are to me. Why would he watch that? He called them all ***** and said they were stupid. This wasn't the first time he had acted this way. The last time he asked me to help find him weed the person was running late. He threatened to wreck his car (I was in it). He said women always ruin everything (especially when it came to buying weed- whatever that means). And said he was late because of a woman. Again he didn't say, but I felt like it was my fault. From the beginning of when we first started dating he would call me names and pretend like he was joking saying, "ya biiii..." and not finish the ***** part and start laughing. He did this often. One time I cried and told him that it bothered me when he did that and he said he was just joking and that it would stop. It never did. I never got my tonsils out so I snore in my sleep sometimes. He would get SO angry. One time he shook my head because I was snoring, he did that another time not too long ago. He'd wake me up every time 10 minutes complaining. One time he told me that it was unhealthy and that I needed to start exercising (I'm pretty sure he knew how insecure about my weight I am). He didn't say it in a nice way. Everytime I would try to say something or give my opinion about something he would talk over me like I wasn't even there or wouldn't respond at all. He said he was because he had ADHD. I do too but I always listen to people and I always acknowledge when they are saying something, at least I hope. He always wanted me to stay the night, at the time I thought my thyroid was messed up and all I wanted to do was sleep. He would get frustrated when I wouldn't stay the night. Sometimes I just wanted to sleep in my own bed without having to worry about getting woken up. I tried to explain this to him one night and I ended up giving in and staying over. He used to always guilt trip me into letting him have his way. Sometimes he would suggest we do something and when I would agree he would say "wait, I don't want to" or "wait, nevermind". He never wanted to do anything that was my idea I felt like. He is also so angry, blaming everyone for his problems and acts like the world owes him something. He never owns up to his actions. The abuse has gotten worse since I've left him. He's accused me of cheating (I have NEVER been unfaithful to him) and has said that I waited to break up with him until I had guys lined up. He says I've abandoned him and that if I had really loved him I wouldn't have left. He doesn't get what hes done to me. When I try to tell him I couldn't take the abuse he starts responding with "I can't take this abuse anymore." There's much more that he's done but I can't think right now. I'm so heartbroken. I can sleep, I can't concentrate and I feel like I can't even articulate my feelings and thoughts well. I'm so tongue tied (which I could get when he would get mad). I find myself sometimes forgetting all that he's done (like right now) and wondering if I made the right choice. I think I have PTSD. I'm so confused, I just can't think. Is anyone else like this? I keep questioning if I made the right choice. Was it really abuse or have I been overreacting? I really don't know. My self-esteem has dwindled down to nothing. I find that I have gained over 30 pounds while I was with him (was I really depressed all this time while I was with him?). He also didn't seem to care or understand my bipolar disorder. Did I make the right choice? Was he really that abusive? My brain is like scrambled eggs. I feel llike I'm walking in thick fog. I can't breathe and I can't see. Its like I'm a deer that heard a sound in the forest and I'm running every which way because I can't tell where it came from. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry this is so long. I have so much more to say but I'm drained and right now, I'm finding it hard to concentrate again.

P.S. He just texted me saying "I really am thankful for every second I got to spend with you, I love you so much." He's been texting me non-stop saying things like this and than turning around and being so mean and cruel. 
ellemarie0824 ellemarie0824
22-25, F
2 Responses May 20, 2012

First, thank you for commenting my story! I really appreciate it & I know exactly how you feel too! I too am torn between feeling that I am being treated extremely bad and thinking that maybe I`m just a dramaqueen! But none of us are! You have definitely made the right choice! But don`t let him keep dragging you down by staying in contact with him. When you have made the choice to leave him, you should cut off all contact. That way he wont be able to "brainwash" you anymore, you`ll get your confidence back and after some time you will se the situation with new eyes, and then you KNOW you made the right decision! :) Be strong!

Oh, Elliemarie, you have made exactly the right choice. There is absolutely no reason to put up with some miserable violent ******* of a loser like that. You were absolutely right to leave him. <br />
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Now that you have escaped, he is trying to drag you back down. Do not allow him to do this. Demand that he leave you alone and if he keeps it up, call the police. Get a no contact order from a judge so that if he bothers you or threatens you in any way (including by telephone or text) you can have his *** put in jail. <br />
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He is a user and an abuser and you were right to leave him. Be strong and do not listen to any of his bullshit.<br />
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Good luck and best wishes.