Not A Story-telling Recollection, But Rather, An Understanding

It is a cycle that I recognize; a cycle that repeats through every generation. It manifests in different, but related, effects – the cause is changeless. If the individual affected does not choose to be the victor, with Wisdom as a guide, then the cycle continues down the line.

This is my form of a healthy vent. Though it may be a bit jumbled up, and psychoanalytical, it is far more harmonious than the emotions that were rushing through my psyche a few hours ago.

Imprisoned by a profound abyss of guilt, anger, bitterness, hurt, and fear, the individual is lead to believe that all of these feelings, and the experiences associated, are crimes. They are considered as crimes because they are seen as disruptive to the peace of others. These feelings echo throughout time, if remained as open wounds.
From what I have gathered, the fractured feelings and memories stay within the subconscious, and whether purposely expressed or not, their release is inevitable. When repressed, the manifestation of expression is an unhealthy one, and the effects are typically not consciously connected to the root of the unconscious pain. However, once the root is identified, which can be through processes, the individual learns to understand why such manifestations occurred, not viewing themselves as a criminal, and can express and replace the wounded heart – subsequently resulting in a healthier way of being.
The most fundamental emotion involves an awareness of pain. The trauma of rejection, whether imagined or real, is the most severe. This rejection can be rooted back as far as pregnancy. This hurt is seldom conveyed in a comprehensible manner, and so its clumsy expression is met with stern admonishment. The message becomes clear: hurting is wrong; feeling pain is a crime. Unfortunately, the more one tries not to feel hurt, the more discomfort grows.

Through this understanding, I realize that, despite being quite self-aware, there are various deeply-scarring memories planted within me, that cause incomprehensible expression. It is the language of a unique pain; a language that is primarily foreign to all those around me (which, of course, is also quite painful). And there have been many times where I attempted to kill at least a portion of the pain...
Additionally, it has consistently crossed my mind that I do not recall much of my childhood – hardly much at all, when compared with the early memories of most of those I have spoken with.
Despite that, I have grown to know the truth: it must be released in a healthy way; that, in doing so, I am freeing myself of “crimes” I did not commit, or crimes that have already been payed for. And in a boundless state, I will no longer project the negativity of my past. I will break the cycle... I am not only concerned with my own well-being, but more importantly and purposefully, the well-being of those closest to me. I will receive the already God-given ability to live a life far more parallel to that which was designed for me.
I will be more focused on glorifying the Lord, and I will be more joyful in Him, which are both intertwined.

I must face it, to know it, to feel it, to learn from it, to transcend it... With the full armor of God, of which is all protective of the front-side: the side which will face it all.
Though I may fall seven times, I will rise up again. Thank you, my Lord...

DustToAshes DustToAshes
22-25, F
May 24, 2012