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7 months later, and I am still suffering the after effects of my abusive relationship. I was with my ex for four years, in which he belittled me and brainwashed me to the point where I became a willing participant in my own emotional torture.

Even though I am no longer with him, the effects have continued. I have regular nightmares in which I relive the abuse and wake up with tears, or sometimes I simply cannot sleep at all. I feel regular anxiety of being around being or of socializing, because I was forced to live such an isolated life when I was with him. I am back with my parents now and the other day my brother yelled at me over something small, and I lost complete control of my reaction. It triggered this intense panic, where the yelling suddenly made me feel like it was my ex screaming at me again. I ended up yelling at my brother throwing my coffee at him and crying hysterically for hours afterwards. It seemed to have triggered something because since then I have not been able to bring myself to leave my room or go to work, and that was two weeks ago. I have never responded that way before in my life. It's really quite horrifying to not feel in control of my reactions and not know when something could suddenly trigger and response like that from me.

I made an appointment to see my psychologist last week, as I haven't been since just after the break up. She has diagnosed me with PTSD, and I am now on anti-depressants. How is this fair? How is it fair that 7 months later I am still suffering as a result of what he put me through and he has just moved on without a care in the world? He entered into a new relationship not even 3 months after we had broken up. And I am still here, still a complete mess. It feels like there is no justice in this world. And I am so angry with myself, how could I have let this happen to me? 

I don't know how to get over this. I want to move past whats happened and get on with my life, but it's like I'm stuck reliving the same feelings, jumping at my shadow. Constantly second guessing myself. I feel so numb most of the time. I can't FEEL anything real anymore. The worst part is that I don't feel any love for anything anymore not even my family, I just feel too empty, I can't even feel real empathy. It's like the emotions flick across the surface but if I try to feel anything deeper I start to sink into a pit of absolute despair. I feel so guilty for this because my parents don't understand no matter what I explain to them, and they accuse me of being cold and cruel. It just makes me hate myself even more. I've had to start faking emotions I don't feel, with my family and friends. I have no-one that I can talk to about what I'm going through because they don't understand. When I first tried to reach out, I ended up pushing my friends away. They didn't know how to deal with me and felt helpless so they avoided me and said "they were giving me time". I felt like some sort of leper. It doesn't help that the only two close friends I have are both now in happy relationships. I guess they didn't want me raining on their parade.

I can't even imagine what a normal relationship would be like anymore. When people talk about certain events in their relationships, they seem so normal and healthy and I get this anxiety and sometimes even feel like crying, because I just can't imagine that to be real. I just feel so broken and so isolated. I'm so tired of being me. I'm hoping that this will pass soon, but I know that it can take time.

I guess the main thing is that I am no longer in that relationship, and the abuse can't continue anymore. When I think back on it now it makes me feel nervous and sick. I don't know how I lived with that constant fear everyday for so long. I just needed to get my feelings out somewhere, I have no-one else to talk to about this, and I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. Sorry if it sounds like I'm whinging.

 
Valkirey Valkirey 22-25, F 4 Responses May 27, 2012

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i agree with " lovehurtlearngrow" . with the what the answer is. I dealt with that kind of stuff for about 9 years, but it was in a a l ot smoother way, manipaltive, i went through so much in my life i thought it was im possible for someone to be so heartless until i went through a death he became worse to me, i was in denial but couldnt stand that whatever i was doing was wrong to him wasnt good enough but i actually knew i was busting my asss doing it about perfect. it was a very bad relationship even worse when it became known what he really was doing and i kept fighting to make it good.. when it got really bad i seeked thereapy and pills also, sure it is a little boost it does help you stay on track but only if you do find the good within yourself and pull it out at the same time. if you do not have alot of support thoughs are good ways to help you stay on track , if not its not to much help. i felt the same way when i seperated myself from the situation but i also had a son with him it was tough and i had no choice but to stay healthy i had to deal with ppl family nott understanding fully what i went through so i felt like i was being picked on because i took it for years. i was still accepting everyone elses problems onto my own still. that left me " meanish" attitude and all....and i barely talked. im still battling it. but the first step is always recognizing what situation you shouldnt be taking and doing something about it. as long as you do that. just know you will make it. prettty soon. trust me. you doing it sooner only means you do believe in yourself. and you have an amazing strength. that doesnt let you fall when you walk out the bad door.. your process now is recovering, that part can hurt worse, but when its over just imagine how itll be for you. like heaven, and youll have your wings...thats living. so until you get there. think positive no matter what...if you get caught in situations that make you think back.. seperate yourself go somewhere else and take a moment and breathe , then continue.

I really appreciate your comment thank you. It helps to have someone who can relate to it, and who has been able to get past most of it. I think it would be so much easier if there wasn't still a part of me that loved him. The hardest part is the shame of knowing that I let it happen to me, that I got so completely brainwashed and twisted. I'm finding it hard to connect with reality and with people around me. A part of me even feels like I am still there, still living day to day with the fear. I still find myself doing stupid things like getting nervous and apologising for sneezing because it would annoy him, or jumping everytime I hear someone call my name in case I'm in trouble for something. I've tried to avoid situations that remind me of him, but it's hard not to evaluate everything I do by his approval. He seems to be that much in my head sometimes. Some days are easier than others, and even though a stupid little part of me is somehow still wanting to go back, 99% of me is dead against it. I do at least feel like one of the lucky ones despite the horror of it all. I could have been caught in it for so much longer, or I might have never gotten out. I know that it will take time, maybe a lot of time. It's just so much harder when the closest people around me look at me like I'm just trying to get attention, or using it as an excuse. They seem to think its an easy fix, and treat me as though I'm deliberately keeping myself this way :( I'm really not, I am trying everything I can to get over this as quickly as possible because I know the longer it hurts me the longer he's still got some of power over me. I honestly don sit there and feel sorry for myself everyday. The reason I can't leave my room sometimes is simply because I go numb and cant bring myself to anything, its like my mind just goes blank. Or I get anxious and am too afraid to leave, even though I sometimes force myself to. I have tried painting, music, socialising more, counselling, medication, educating myself on what happened and what I'm dealing with. I'm sorry I'm going on a bit now. I guess I'm just looking forward to the day when I can feel whole again and simply look back on this as a painful but valuable lesson... I hope that things continue to get better for you, I really admire your courage and strength, especially with a child it must have so very difficult. Thank you for taking the time though to read and comment

I truly am sorry for you - there is no pain worse than a broken heart, and it sounds like you were totally crushed.<br />
My story is not as painful as yours, but I will tell you what helped me. The answer is not in psychologists who look only at the brain and chemicals and drugs and the physical level - it is a matter of a wounded soul.<br />
The only one who can heal your soul is the One who created your soul. If you search for Him you will find Him.<br />
May you find peace.

Thank you for your comment. You may be right, psychologist seems to be helping but oh so very very slowly and its all based on formulas to do etc. I've been thinking about trying to mend my spirituality as well, because while I was with him I lost all connection to my self and life. I use to be really thankful for my life, and now I feel soul less and empty. I've started doing some meditation and am working on trying to get that part of me back through other ways too.

I know what you mean. When my wife left she just seemed to move on without any second thoughts, and no, it's not fair in any way. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me. It's been two years for me and I've had a lot of time to think things over. I'd love to help if I can :)

thanks, i appreciate the support

Anytime :)

Damn, emptiness is the worst feeling.<br />
<br />
Hope time will heal your wounds.