Work In Progress

7 months later, and I am still suffering the after effects of my abusive relationship. I was with my ex for four years, in which he belittled me and brainwashed me to the point where I became a willing participant in my own emotional torture.

Even though I am no longer with him, the effects have continued. I have regular nightmares in which I relive the abuse and wake up with tears, or sometimes I simply cannot sleep at all. I feel regular anxiety of being around being or of socializing, because I was forced to live such an isolated life when I was with him. I am back with my parents now and the other day my brother yelled at me over something small, and I lost complete control of my reaction. It triggered this intense panic, where the yelling suddenly made me feel like it was my ex screaming at me again. I ended up yelling at my brother throwing my coffee at him and crying hysterically for hours afterwards. It seemed to have triggered something because since then I have not been able to bring myself to leave my room or go to work, and that was two weeks ago. I have never responded that way before in my life. It's really quite horrifying to not feel in control of my reactions and not know when something could suddenly trigger and response like that from me.

I made an appointment to see my psychologist last week, as I haven't been since just after the break up. She has diagnosed me with PTSD, and I am now on anti-depressants. How is this fair? How is it fair that 7 months later I am still suffering as a result of what he put me through and he has just moved on without a care in the world? He entered into a new relationship not even 3 months after we had broken up. And I am still here, still a complete mess. It feels like there is no justice in this world. And I am so angry with myself, how could I have let this happen to me? 

I don't know how to get over this. I want to move past whats happened and get on with my life, but it's like I'm stuck reliving the same feelings, jumping at my shadow. Constantly second guessing myself. I feel so numb most of the time. I can't FEEL anything real anymore. The worst part is that I don't feel any love for anything anymore not even my family, I just feel too empty, I can't even feel real empathy. It's like the emotions flick across the surface but if I try to feel anything deeper I start to sink into a pit of absolute despair. I feel so guilty for this because my parents don't understand no matter what I explain to them, and they accuse me of being cold and cruel. It just makes me hate myself even more. I've had to start faking emotions I don't feel, with my family and friends. I have no-one that I can talk to about what I'm going through because they don't understand. When I first tried to reach out, I ended up pushing my friends away. They didn't know how to deal with me and felt helpless so they avoided me and said "they were giving me time". I felt like some sort of leper. It doesn't help that the only two close friends I have are both now in happy relationships. I guess they didn't want me raining on their parade.

I can't even imagine what a normal relationship would be like anymore. When people talk about certain events in their relationships, they seem so normal and healthy and I get this anxiety and sometimes even feel like crying, because I just can't imagine that to be real. I just feel so broken and so isolated. I'm so tired of being me. I'm hoping that this will pass soon, but I know that it can take time.

I guess the main thing is that I am no longer in that relationship, and the abuse can't continue anymore. When I think back on it now it makes me feel nervous and sick. I don't know how I lived with that constant fear everyday for so long. I just needed to get my feelings out somewhere, I have no-one else to talk to about this, and I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. Sorry if it sounds like I'm whinging.