I Always Just Ask Myself..."why"

My now husband and I have been fighting on and off our entire relationship. We have been married for three years and together seven. We have two toddlers together. I always thought we had this love hate thing and we hate and then make up and love hard.

He has always said off collar remarks to me and I never really took it to heart because he has a warped sense of humor. Three years ago, I got laid off and this is when I think everything has taken its toll. Its hard to find work, when I constantly worry about child care costs, which he will not assist with.

Over time he has gotten worse. He makes me feel like I am a horrible mother, and person and that I am a loser. He refers to me as satan and never has a nice thing to say to me. I do EVERYTHING child/parent related. I have always told him that Money doesnt make you a father - but its always about material things to him. And I am just not that way.

A few times its been physical. In March, he ended up giving me a fractured left shoulder. and now its possible I need surgery with plates because it is NOT healing and im in pain daily.

I always said I wouldnt be like this, take all this crap. Im better then that. The emotional, verbal and physical abuse. I have no job. No car. NO money. I feel so awful all the time. I suffer panic, anxiety and depression. My kids are always happy and they are my life because I make them come first. but I am alone alot. We havent slept in the same bed in over four years. He cares more about his computer then me. Two weeks ago I got so overwhelmed I did something stupid and cut my arm a few times near my elbow. Wasnt trying to kill myself, i just wanted a release. I immediately threw the item out and said to myself, dont be an idiot. YOur better then this. I feel like I have no one to talk to. And I feel so alone. He makes fun of me constantily.
crzybutterfly29 crzybutterfly29
31-35, F
4 Responses Jun 20, 2012

Sounds like a conversation that we would have. We have been fighting for over a week. I got sick - (my son has an ear infection) and now i have a cold...and he doesnt help out. Today he calls me satan and other names, and i finally just put my foot down and said dude, what did i ever do to you to seriously deserve this? I flipped...finally said if you want it ended, grow some balls and say it. I will get it started today. but im NOT your punching bag anymore. I said go to work and leave me alone for the entire day.

You know what he said to me today as I was cooking?<br />
<br />
him: why do you always have to cook everyday?<br />
me: because we (my daughter and I) have to eat.<br />
him: your cooking doesn't taste good and it gives me diarrhea.<br />
me: why didn't you say anything before I started cooking?<br />
him: because I don't like talking to you.<br />
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This kind of conversation would have made me DEPRESSED before. I'm still sad--but now I'm sad because he's NUTS and I'm here with him.

You are not alone but, I am so relieved to hear that I am not alone. Your kids look up to you and their smiles should always make you happy. Some ppl have to deal with their pain alone and there is no one to make them smile, I am living proof.

You're not alone. I'm here. We can help each other go through this.<br />
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I was reading posts about being emotionally abused because I am. I am unemployed and I also have a daughter, a little girl. I'm scared. I want things to change and the only thing I have is a plan. And that is, to get out of this situation. I'm taking it one baby step at a time.<br />
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At the moment, my partner is walking about in the apartment. It's eleven pm here. I'm in my daughter's bedroom. I have been spending the nights here for some time now. Maybe you understand why.<br />
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He does not hit me physically. But psychologically, he's beaten the life out of me.<br />
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I sought help at a local group here who give free counseling to women. It is the light that's guiding me through the darkness right now. Talking helps a lot.<br />
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You will need people to help you get through this.<br />
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If you need someone to talk to, I'll be here for you.