Drained By A VampireNo, not the fictional variety, but the emotional variety. More and more was asked of me, I gave and gave. I gave not only time but trust. And I lost so much of myself in the process.
First it all seemed so caring, so I gave freely of myself, my trust. But then it began. The lack of reciprocity. The head games. The undercutting of my self-esteem. The direct and indirect statements of me having no real value as a person, only a something, not someone, to provide for his needs. His silence was oppressive. I put my head down and tried to ignore it, to accept that it was in me the error lay, as he claimed. I tried to please. I gave more. What I did was never enough, never right, but he took it anyway, while letting me know he was settling when it came to me.
I stopped laughing. I stopped seeing my friends. They knew something was wrong, but gave me space. I started crying, and doubting myself. I crawled into myself. I forgot how to live a day with joy.
I dreaded every day. It was so much work to just function. Everything I did was wrong. I just wanted acceptance and approval. Acceptance and approval of me, of who I am.
I left. It was so unbelievably hard. In the process of leaving, I tore that tiny battered remnant of me that he did not bastardize. I need to find a way to heal. I understand it is a drive I have, to want to please. But I don't want to worry that it is a weapon to be used against me, as he did. I have insecurities, who doesn't.... Again, more potential weaponry....I want to be good, to be kind, generous, considerate, supportive, loving, compassionate, yet all those traits he used against me. He sucked me dry and spit it back infused with poison.
Yeah. I was drained by a vampire.
DinahMoeHumm 41-45, F 4 Responses 9 Aug 2, 2012