Signs Of Emotional Abuse

After being screamed at, manipulated, berated, belittled, and threatened I found myself wondering ll the time if there was something wrong with me. If I could only do the things that he wants he would be happy and our relationship would be great. I would no longer feel guilty for upsetting him so much. But it didn't matter what I did, it was never good enough and I would never hear the end of it. My relationship was exausting, it was stealing my life from me, it felt like so much work I found myself making excuses so I wouldn't have to be around him. Then I would start feeling guilty because he would say "we never spend time alone together. I love you and want to see you. Is that so wrong?" Then I would make more time to see him, then the abusive behavior would start up. Such a terrible vicious cycle. I thought I was going crazy! He actually made me believe I was to blame for everything then I found this article and it helped me realize that my relationship was emotionally abusive. If you are in or suspect that you are in an emotionally abusive situation please read on...

1) Bullying. If he doesn’t get his way, there’s hell to pay. He wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. He uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what he wants. It makes him feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.
Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend his behavior to others.
2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. He expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to his needs. No matter the inconvenience, he comes first. He has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.
Common complaints include: You’re not sexual enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re too sensitive, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not satisfying me sexually, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this man. No one will ever be enough for him, so don’t take it to heart.
Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet his needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because he puts you in no-win situations.
3) Verbal attacks. This is self-explanatory. He employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology he uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people he’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.
Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things he says to you.
4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the man you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which he spirals into outer orbit, he may very well not remember things he’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.
Result: His gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round he goes. Where he’ll stop, nobody knows. He reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of him. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important *****, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.
Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.
Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by his behavior. Because you can’t predict his responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in his mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.
6) Constant Chaos. He’s addicted to conflict. He gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. He may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on his bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. He may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to him with hostility, so that he can accuse you of being abusive and he can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.
7) Emotional Blackmail. He threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by his rules. He plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what he wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
8 Rejection. He ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After he pushes you as hard and as far away as he can, he’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from his previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then he accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which he’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.
Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive man, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection he shows you.
9) Withholding affection. Another form of emotional blackmail is withholding psychological and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.
Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy him things, do sexual favors for him, or give into his demands in order to receive love and affection from him. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for him.
10) Isolating. He demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.
Result: This makes you completely dependent upon him. He takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.
You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive men don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.
Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit he has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.