I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive environment. The memories of physical abuse still haunt me, but the emotional abuse was a million times worse. I still have so many conflicting feelings. Part of me hates my mother for all she put me through. Any shred of self confidence I had was destroyed long ago. Part of me pities her because I know that underneath all of her rage is a broken, terrified woman. It kills me to see her suffering so much but she chooses to live that way and there's nothing I can do about it. I tried so hard to help her with her issues but all that did was make her hate me even more. I think the main reason why I can't bring myself to forgive her and move on is because I just love her so much and I want her love so badly. I feel so worthless because she doesn't love me. If the woman who gave me life hates me, what does that make me? In my heart my one true desire is to have a loving, caring mother whom I can tell everything to and ask for advice when I need it, who will one day help me plan my wedding, who will look at me and be proud to call me her daughter. In my head I know that this will never happen because she doesn't want this type of relationship with me or any of her other children, but in my heart I'm still holding on to the hope that somehow, someway, something will change and my dream will finally come true.