Ready To Stand Up, But Will I This Time?

I feel a specific way majority of the time. It's like there is a battle within me. Most of you probably have the same struggle to release yourself from your abuser, if its your mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend or anyone else.

My dad has emotionally abused me for years, along with physical (mild but still existent) and plenty of verbal which is along the same lines as emotional.

I know that I should just bail and detach myself from him, I am old enough, but since my sister died I have a very hard time separating from people I love. And yes I love him, he is my dad after all.

Here is who my dad is in a nutshell. My dad is the type of person who will do something nice for anyone and everyone, great right? No, he does this to manipulate them into thinking he is the most amazing man in the world. He will shower you with gifts, compliments, do tons of free work for you and all of that stuff. Once you are sucked in he turns it all around, you OWE him something, you owe him your time and energy or else you are a terrible human being. Doing something? Doesn't matter drop what your doing and go help him out because now you owe him.

The problem is I know my dad well enough that I see all of this happening, people on a daily basis tell me how truly wonderful he is, they tell me he is virtually a saint. It hurts because they don't see the way he treats me and those around him.

Everyday of my life I tell myself I am going to say goodbye and cut him out, but I go back because I feel bad for him. On his good days hes probably the best father known to man, but lately all his days are bad.

I wake up everyday almost in tears because I am afraid of getting a phone call from him. He convinced me to quit my job and come work for him, and after doing so now he threatens me on a daily basis of what will happen if I stop working from him. I don't get lunch breaks, any breaks, I drive to and from work, make deliveries, and I have my pay held over my head.

I have medical condition and today my doctor called me and told me I needed to come in ASAP I requested to leave and run there and return within a half hour, he instantly started screaming at me telling me how worthless I am and a bunch of other stuff I would rather not get into.

I am at this point where I am saying I will break free from him, deep down I know I wont.
How can you love someone who hurts you so much,
How can you love someone you hate this much?
I truly hate my father.
And yet I can't stay away.

I feel stuck, like I can't escape.
ChirpingPanda ChirpingPanda
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

I felt that way for a longtime. But nothing felt better than the day I walked into a place I could call my own.