I'm A Man Who Was Emotionally Abused.

It all started with a breakup, strangely enough. I was married, and deployed, and my wife (at the time) had a long-running affair while I was gone. I latched on to a female friend - an ex, in fact - who was there to support me and help me move on. We got close, and I ended up replacing the cheating wife with the new woman.

Things were great until she moved in with me... then it was one fight after the other, every time I thought "If I just fix this problem, things will be great again!"

First it was "When will we get married? Make an honest woman of me!" She wore me down, and I married her.

Then it was "When will we have a baby?" More fighting. She tried to wear me down, but I refused to have a child while I was in the Marine Corps. I finished my time and got out, got a civilian job and moved to another state. I had no reason to say no anymore, so she wore me down, and I agreed to get her pregnant.

Then it was "I can't stand living in this town, I need to get out! I need to be surrounded by nature!" More fighting, and once again she wore me down. I spent a quarter million dollars buying a house in the country, and I thought we'd be happy.

Then it was "I want you to quit your job! Let's go be poor and happy together somewhere else!" By now I was starting to wise up. We fought constantly, but I refused to cave. She started going back and forth between reasons to pick a fight.

"I want us to be a polygamist family. I don't believe in monogamy anymore." I was uncomfortable with it, but she kept pressuring me to find other women to be with. Any time business took me to Nevada she tried to pressure me into visiting a brothel. I refused. I tried to test the waters a little, thinking that I could start small and maybe get used to the idea. A woman sent me naked pictures online, and I felt wrong about it. I felt ashamed, and I tried to hide them despite her telling me that I could do what I wanted with other women as long as she knew. I just couldn't face the thought of admitting that I'd tried it, even in some small measure, and that it was revolting. She found out about it and accused me of cheating. One more reason for her to pick fights.

Then she wanted to be with other men. "You're being selfish. I'm not wired for monogamy. Stop trying to control me." I tried to draw the line. For months she persisted. Constant fighting, screaming and crying for hours on end. Still, I refused.

She fought dirty. She blamed me for the abuse. She questioned my manhood, saying "Real men have jobs that let them be home with their wives at night!" She criticized my weight (though I'm not at all fat!), refused to let me sleep, refused to let me go to work. She controlled my free time to the extent that I couldn't make any friends in the new town. All my hobbies, gone. She controlled my paycheck, and how I used every one of my vacation days. We saw her family twice a month, and only saw my family once in two years.

Through all this, I just kept thinking "If we can resolve this, all the fights will stop." She knew from day one that infidelity was the one thing I could never tolerate. I went to work in the middle of a fight one day, and she decided to put an ad on Craigslist - on of THOSE ads on Craigslist - to get back at me. She didn't have sex with anyone, but she ended up having an emotional affair with one of the guys that answered it. It lasted a month before she told me about it.

That was too much. I had to end the relationship. That was three weeks ago. It's been hard, but I'm learning how to be me again.
StillRadioactive StillRadioactive
22-25, M
3 Responses Dec 29, 2012

Many of my friends above the age of 50 and 60 believe that the amount of men who are abused by women is growing and growing very fast. This generation is very much all about possessions and what they can get compared to the people who were raised in the 50's, 60's and 70's. This is a different way of life now and people DO act different than they used to. There are not too many people left in the US who would argue that people have NOT changed. The good traits that were celebrated in women are no longer worth praising in this society. The past generations valued honest, kind, unselfish, loving and giving women. Now as a society we no longer value these traits. In fact, people who are good people are viewed as wrong instead of visa versa. There is too much value placed on meaness, the ability to lie, and taking all that you can get. The values of society have changed and so the younger generation has changed with the norms of society.

I know a guy who married a similar women and yes I agree it is abuse. It's mental abuse is what it is. And I have a feeling that this guy that I used to be friends with is also appeasing this women so that she stops bitching and he probably thinks things will be Ok if he keeps making her happy but I know that's not going to happen. She made sure that he is not talking to any friends anymore, not talking to his family and even deleted facebook account. She conned him into marrying her less than a year ago and she has spent his every dime on drugs and bullshit. His mother hates her. His mother knows that she is an evil women as do I now. I just hope one day he wisens up one day just like you did. I'm ashamed at how evil women have become these days. This younger generation of women are really selfish critters.

It's easy to judge a whole generation based on a few, but I would encourage you to show restraint in that. I don't think that younger women are more likely to act this way, I think that younger men (like me) are just more willing to tell our stories.

Cheating is really awful and hurtful, so it was definitely wrong of her to have an affair, but that's also not abuse, it's just amoral.

Also, it is not fair to her if you married her and tried to have a baby with her if that's not what you really wanted. You don't get married to get your girlfriend to stop bitching. You do it because you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life with someone. It sounds like a really bad relationship. But not abuse.

You have been wronged, twice, by both wives. Don't get me wrong. I am supportive of your pain. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't give you advice to help you move on: you have to accept responsibility for your part in the end of the marriage. You also had an online fling with a woman. If you really thought it was okay, you would have told your wife and not felt guilty and hid it from her. That is just as wrong.

Also, do you not see that she wanted you to be home with her at night because SHE was lonely and just wanted you there? You said that she also said that you were "trying to control her." So based on the information you've given on this blog, it sounds like there is more to her side of the story that you aren't telling. You need to try to see things from her perspective. You are going to have an awful time moving on if you don't find closure and try to reconcile what happened in your mind.

Thank you for your input, but there's only so much that can be expressed in a story on EP without making it an insurmountable wall of text. It was emotional abuse, and even she has admitted to it since we split up. I'm sorry if it wasn't clear from the way I described it earlier.

i get it. my ex wanted me to bring a girl in blah blah i almost did because of him but didnt. also convinced me to get pregnant and i finally agreed cuz of him i loved him. he will push me into doing things i did not wanted but was so seductive i started to doubt my believes to please him. here i am with a month old baby i love left him a month ago cuz abuse plus he cheated on me withcoworker etc..... but even though it stillhurts i feel little steps im moving on. i need to. oh even my 2 kids loved him at the beggining but he started picking on the little boy and after seeing all his abuse they can not see him they flat out said if u dont leave with baby we will...... then i knew i better leave!!!! thank you to my kids for freeing me!!!!!!!!!!!!

although i saw u join a group called im a manwhore online not in real life, so that brought red flag!

That group is one that I created as a bit of a joke once I started to feel more comfortable with my own sense of humor. Humor has always been one of my methods for dealing with stress, and it's one that my ex suppressed while we were together.

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