Emotional Abuse Is Painful..

Here I am, at my computer at 2:45 am..looking for answers..hope..anything. I have been in this marriage (my 2nd) for 6 1/2 years and with this person for nearly 8 years. Right from the early days of being with him, I often had bad feelings from the way he talked to me and treated me. It was as if he has two very different personalities. The outside world sees this great, happy, personable guy. Behind closed doors, it's much different. There are good spells where things feel good and he treats me well, then there are really bad spells, which come out of nowhere. Cursing at me, calling me horrible things, false accusations, changing stories and blaming me for every little thing that goes wrong. He has never taken any responsibility. I called off our marriage 3 months before the date because things felt so bad. He came around and did the lets try again routine, and the marriage went on as planned. How I wish I hadn't and left when I had that chance. His personality can change on a dime. I often walk on eggshells and am careful what I say..or don't say, in order to avoid setting him off. Is this any way to live? I know it's not and have come close to finally getting free several times, only to start over with him again. I catch him in lies constantly, but he always finds ways to "explain" them so I give up. I've caught him trying to meet up with past girlfriends and recently was told by one of his ex's that he was sleeping with her during most of our marriage. He swears this is not true and that she is just out to ruin hi life. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Tonight was just an ordinary evening..nothing was going wrong..things were pleasant. At bedtime, we got into a minor (to me) argument about something really trivial. Suddenly he lost it and started with the name calling and yelling. He then picked up a glass dish on his nightstand and threw it at a large mirror on our bedroom wall, smashing it. I told him he needed to control his temper..this infuriated him further. He said "look what YOU made me do". As he was cleaning up the glass, I decided to get the camera, and take a picture of what he'd done. He really flipped out then..told me to stop and came at me. He shoved me back and I told him I was going to call the police - which I did. While I was talking to an officer on the phone, he was yelling in the background saying I was the one who lost control and smashed the mirror! The officer just said to ignore him and kept me on the line until he left he house. I can't live this way anymore..I often feel like a shell of what I used to be. I'm 53 and often depressed and sad when I look at my life. I was married for 26 years before this, and whle there were problems in the marriage near the end, it was nothing even close to this nightmare. Money (lack of it) thanks in part to him, is also an issue. I have a good job, but no credit anymore and no savings. I need money to get myself out of here into my own place. I think he knows that and feels he can keep abusing me and getting away with it. To my family, he presents himself as this great, nice guy. It makes me sick.
LW2228 LW2228
51-55, F
7 Responses Jan 6, 2013

LW2228 You are brave, strong, and wise for posting this story. I am so very sorry you have to endure this chaos. I do mean the word "endure."

Going through similar situation. I never knew there were so many of us "enduring" abuse.

Keep saving money aside, making plans, use your resources. Resources being your family, friends, contacts. In the end, they will be there for you.

Next year at this time, you will be a better situation than you are now. Just keep thinking that and working towards your goal.

Sounds like your husband puts on this false front when he is infront of family and friends. How frustrating. Then that leaves you in need of validating of your fears of his behaviors. Of course he has to blame you for everything ,.........it could never be his fault. Poppy ****!

You are the wise one. Remember that. We are here for you.

Praying for you.

I know exactly what your going through. My ex was the same way. I always thought it was me. 16 years it Took Me to leave only because i Felt so emotionallly drained and depressed that if i didnt do something soon i wasnt goin to last. For my kids i had to do something. I went secretely to counselling until i was just strong enough to finally do something. Maybe this Is your time now, to finally do what you need to do. The shelter was So awesome To me and the kids. They gave me resources and hope. Talk to someone there, as For family, people on the outside do not understand what your going through. Yes maybe you Said before That you were going to leave and you didnt but you are suffering from emotional abuse and its hard to be strong when your abuser is intimidating and controlling. They are master manipulators. Stay strong and remember you deserve to be happy and have a peaceful life. You are going to make it,you can Do it.

I was you. Every thing you described I experienced from my husband. For years I cried and cried when these incidents happened, then for years I got angry and yelled, then I quit feeling anything at all and knew it was time for the marriage to end. No one can tell you what to do. I would encourage you to listen to that voice - your intuition, gut, heart - the voice of truth, and let that guide you. Divorce didn't automatically fix the damage done, but it was the beginning of getting back to the real me. Prayers for your peace and happiness.

I'm so pleased he's left the house now do yourself a favour and get the locks changed and call the police if he tries to get back in. I'm so sorry about your financial situation but I'm sure now he's gone and stops being a drain on your resources it will improve. Please be strong and resolve not to take him back. I wish you well.

Abuse comes in many forms verbal abuse is at bad as physical abuse because his violent mood swings make you fearful, cower into yourself afraid - a shell of who you use to be as you say which sums it up. He's obviously got some sort of personality disorder - not your problem and he won't change he's weak and can't cope with life and you're his victim, it makes him feel powerful to rant and rave at you to instil fear and he does know he instils fear and feelings of hopelessness in you he gets of on it and the fact he blames you for all his problems - look what you made me do!
This is no way to live 53 is NOT old you have a right to a life Your life and you should keep telling yourself that believe in it. You are suffering from low self esteem because he is controlling you by fear.
Ok you need help, forget the pride it gets you nowhere and ask for help from your family or a friend, doctor anyone there's good people out there just reach out because nothing can be worse than the situation you are in - you know that.
You work so can't you save enough money/borrow it for a house/flat share - but what ever you do you DON'T ever tell him where you live. If you live in the U.K. their are charities, citizens advice and womans shelters who will help you to get your life back on track, and you might need to take out an injunction to stop him from coming near you so do that.
I wish you well - you know what life is far too short to live it in fear be strong get out and get your life back. Good Luck!

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so nice to have this place where I can talk freely. My husband left the house 2 nights ago and only returned today (while I was at work) to get some clothes. Apparently he is staying in a motel somewhere I was told. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to come home tonight to an empty house..knowing there would be no conflict of any kind! My biggest obstacle right now is the lack of money. I know of several places I could get my own apt., but first and last month's rent is required, equaling just over $2,000! I have no means to get that. Thanks to this marriage, I have also ended up with severe financial problems.. I am under a consumer proposal..about half way through now. It's similar to bankruptcy, so I cannot borrow money. I asked a few relatives today, but sadly nobody can assist right now. I feel so humiliated having to even ask family for that. I live paycheque to paycheque since I dont have credit cards anymore, so there's rarely much leftover each month. It's so frustrating to think that money is holding me back from my freedom. I also have a few cats, which I have rescued as strays, and there is no way on earth I could give them up..they must come with me. They are often my 'best friends' and companions.
I have a feeling my husband will eventually work his way back in.. I know this because this is his pattern after the bigger fights. He will take off and stay with a buddy for a week or so, then comes back..usually wanting sex by then. It turns my stomach. I have often given in..again out of fear of what he may say or do if I don't cooperate. He runs away from problems instead of trying to fix them. We have gone to see counsellors four times now in 7 years. After the sessions are over, nothing changes. He will say that's because I don't "listen" to what I'm told by them! Again - my fault. Hopefully one day my ship (the money I need!) will come in...

You can go to the National Domestic violence website at www.ndvh.org on there you can speak to a counselor 24 hrs a day. they maybe able to help with your situation and help you get on your feet or refer you to some area resources. It's hard leaving, but once you do you will feel a whole lot better. You deserve to be treated better and to live your life the way you wish.

good luck, I wish you the best.

Thank you for your advice. I am calling the local women's shelter today just to get some advice and support. Unfortunately, some of my family members that know what's been happening won't take me seriously anymore because I have said in the past I would leave, and never did. The only reason for that is because each time I'd see a glimmer of hope, I wanted to stay and try and work things out. I'm pretty certain now there IS no hope for the way he treats me.

Good for you, you made a good choice by getting help. Abusers never get better only worse. The womans shelter will teach you all about abuse, something will have you shocked. But, the more you know about abuse the better you will be. It will take some time to recover, but you will get stronger each day. You will also a great support system at the shelter, and they will help you get back on your feet. This is the first step to getting your life back. Congratulations making the first step. I wish you the best.

All I can really say is that I hope that you can get out of the situation relatively safe. I know the emotional scars will be there forever but if you can get out intact physically then do it. I know I'm only 16 so I guess I don't know what you're going through, but I'm just trying to help... My dad was emotionally abusive to me, he was physically and emotionally abusive to my brother, and he was physically, verbally, and sexually abusive to my big sister. It was like hell every day and as soon as we were old enough my brother and I left as soon as we could (I was 12 when we left) my sister actually came forward and was able to get a restraining order. So, not the SAME situation but... I do hope I helped even a little...

I will be working towards getting myself out and away from him now that I can really see he is never going to change..even when he PROMISES to do so. He isn't capable of it. He has some serious issues that only he can fix, but he doesn't think anything is "wrong" with him. It's always my fault in his mind.

That's how my father was. He also would come into school to check on us often and everyone would tell me "your dad is so cool! I wish he was MY dad!" And it made it worse to me, idk...