Emotionally Abused, Still Ask Myself Am I?

Hey, thought i would share my story.

I am 22 years old and met my fianceé (ex now) when i was 18. I had a long distance relationship with him, and he was my first guy that i loved, he was everything physically that i looked for in a guy. He lived in Bosnia, and i was born their, my relatives lived in the same town he was from. Once i started dating him, everybody was warning me about him that he is no good, that he is trouble but i didn't listen to anyone, because i believed what he had to say, and thought he was different and that everybody else was just jealous and trying to tear us apart.

I did the long distance from Bosnia to Australia for about 2 and half years going overseas to see him every 6 months for about a 3 month stay.

Everything was good to start off with, he was so jealous and i felt like he loved me so much, he would tell me that he didn't love anyone like he loved me. And i felt so special being my first serious relationship and realizing he was my first love.

The first time i went back to Australia, i always questioned if he would be faithful to me. He use to swear at me, say horrible things. and then would breakup with me. If ever i went out, he would always ask me, if i got with anyone if i cheated on him, if anybody looked at me and so on. And because he started to become paranoid like that, i thought that was normal and i should start to do the same thing to him. BUT when he would go out and i would ask these questions to him he would be like your annoying, no i didn't and be a arsehole about it.

Things were good, i loved him, i had never loved anyone like this, he was exacty what i wanted in a guy, Ive always wanted green eyes, Blondie hair and he had these strong hands. I was so physically attracted to him, and then i fell in love, my love grew stronger for him.
But, thinking back now i remember there were times, he would say he was jealous, because i talked to that guy, what is he to me and so on. And, back then i didn't really care though, I did my own thing, i was my own person. And i remember, once i was meant to go out wit him, and he didn't care he was with his mates. And i told him I'm at this place is you want to come and all he said was Ike **** off. Then, he walked in with two chicks. and i left. That night i got messages off him, saying those two girls are just my friends from England, i broke up with him. The next day, he said he would find me and kiss me, he saw me in a disko talking to this guy and straight away i got a message off him, to talk, we did talk. And i explained how rude it was for him to go with two chicks and message me to **** off, and he was like well **** off **** off, and i knew i shouldve have then and there got up and left but i did't, i saw something in his eyes, thinking he doesn't mean that he is just hurt.

The second time i went overseas i slept with him for the first time, it was amazing. my first time, and, everything i had shared i shared with him, ND no one else.
It was so amazing.

So, throughout the time i was overseas it was great we were going out all the time, being intimate, sharing stories. everything. But one time i went with my friend to another city and he was so angry, he would message and say dont bother coming back, and i thought you came to see me. And to me at that time that was all cute thinking he wants me all to himself how cute he cares.

When i got back, everything was fine.

After awhile he msged one of my guy friends that i have on facebook asking if we have ever talked, my friend said yes, as friends. He that day, saw me the message, and took me to the park and said its over your a lier, your this your that i was in shock was crying and ended up fainting, when i came to he was crying and saying sorry to me it was so intense. we ended up staying together and not breaking up.... Later in the month the guy came to Bosnia, and that night i decided to go with my auntie out, and he was so angry that i wanted to go with my auntie. We ended up at the same place me my auntie, my then fiance and this friend of mine. I left early, and later i got terrible messages saying you were looking at him, its over between us leave me alone and so on. i had enough at that time.

But i saw him the next day, and we talked and he started crying i cried and then we worked it out again, and i just kept thinking i love him he loves me, he is just hurt!

he made me delete all the guy friends on my facebook and then later on delete all the guy friends on msn, and then he made me delete all of my facebook which i complied all cuz i loved him.
he ended up proposing later on, and then i went back to Australia to sort out papers for him to come over on a fiance visa.
While i was sorting papers out for him, he would get angry that i am not doing it fast enough, that im taking my time with the papers and so on. he then got angry and changed my email password, and i made a joke saying i can get it back cuz i can, he done said, its over between us, and i ended up beggin for him to stay with me and that i was only joking. He said he has to have my password cuz he needs to see what i am doing, after all i talked to some guy and he would always bring up that being the reason for him being allowed to do all this.

One time went to my cousins party, but i didn't go out....and stayed in cousins room talking to him, later on my guy cousin came in asking me something, my ex fiance now got so angry, told me i sud just go and talk to him, and broke up with me. i begged for him to forgive me trying to explain its only my cousin but he kept say in how would you feel, and told me we could only gt back to together, but that i couldn't go out anywhere and i DIDNT.

for nearly 2 years i didnt go anywhere. and if i wanted to go for a coffee i would have to see if it was okay with him.
but yet he was allowed to go out all the time, stay late... and would just send me a message saying i love you im out bla bla. And when i would try to call him, he wouldn't answer, and i call Agna, and he would pick up, being angry for me not trusting him and would call me names swear at me, say I'm beng crazy and paranoid and that he loves me...

I would want his facebook password, but he wouldn't give it to me , saying to me you know why you cant have facebook because, you talked to this guy you wanted him and so on. and i would just be like yes i understand...and do what he wants cuz i want him to be happy.

while i was doing the papers, and sent them off for him to do his part, he would tell me he needs money to translate the papers to English, and i would send it to him if i didn't have money he would get really angry at me, and make me feel really bad for not being able to send to him.
He started to tell me, that he wasn't going to come unless he gets his teeth fixed, and would sort of i suppose manipulate me into , paying for it. felt bad for him, he would be like hate my teeth, i am not coming i dont care, and i would then say ill pay for it. He was happy i sent hm money, and i felt so good about myself cuz he was happy. But 2 teeth couldn't get fixed and, i didnt have money, he would be like well i need o fix these, and everyday i wild talk to him he would be like its hurting me these teeth need to be fixed, and i then send the money.

he started to swear lots at me, and yet he would swear and call me horrible names, and yet i would be the one begging for him to take me back. WHY ? am i that stupid,

If i were to hear anything that somebody said about him, or something that had seen i would confront him and he would get angry, that it wasn't true, people are just trying to break us up.

He finally came to Australia, and i took him on massive shopping spree, we lived with my parents, and my parents told us we didnt have to pay a DIME, that all we had to do was SAVE money!

He began to gamble, my father found him a job, he gambled every night, and if i were to say anything he would be like your annoying this that. We started to fight constantly, he was rude to my parents, if ever we had a fight, he would just be like im leaving and walk out of the house, leaving it very uncomfortable that everybody has t know we are fighting.
There were times, i felt like i was in the middle of two fires, my ex fiance and my family.
He started to tell me, my family is turning me against him, and im taking their side. I suppose my family saw what he was doing to me.

As soon as he came, we were meant to have facebook together, he gave me hs password everything was great, then here and there he would change the password and im left wondering WHY.... once i got so angry i decided to just make my own and he said, might as well put single and delete all my photos cuz that's the only way you will have facebook.
I did it though, and later he made me deactivate it.

But because i didnt delete all the friends and then deactivate my fb he got so angry! He went out of the house, then i had to search for him, and he was running away from me, while iwas telling him to get in the car, cuz it was so embossing.

Anyway, there was a concert, he didnt want to go, after i asked hi 10 times, so i got ready with my sister, and asked him one last time, he again said no and that i know why.
i was on the freeway, and he decided flirt to send a message saying " its over for good between us " then half an hour later, i get a message "come back i want to go" then again " please come back i love you, this will be the test come back " i was shocked but i didnt want to turn back, got to the concert and he was like, how could you go without me to a concert full of guys, i was like you need to trust me. And he ended up coming with the TRAIN, i picked him, and i said i had enough and then he cried and cried telling me how much he loved me that he is sorry, that he will change!

We went home that night, the next day he apologized to everyone. and everything was great, and then again, little thing annoys him and he changes back, to an arse saying al these names, and just ignoring and gambling.
Things changed, cuz...he changed his password on fb again, and he liked some chick naked and i said what did you like, and FIRST TIME HE SPITS IN MY FACE. i was so shocked!!!

all i could say later was i cant believe you did that, he was just like, you shouldn't this, im sorry didnt mean it. Next time, he got angry cuz i accused him of gambling, and packed his bags and left, and said im never coming back, i once again when to look for him, and he was like transfer me money, im like IL buy you your ticket he through my phone, and swore at me, and i had enough i swore back and, then he came back storming and that's when he hit me across my face for the first time..... he then started crying and he was bleeding, which made me feel sorry for him. and then all of a sudden everything calmed down, he was all good, said can you forgive me i did, in shock! Felt like as soon as he gets angry, and it gets to the point where it boils over, then everything goes calm again, and that how it was all the time.

My parents left for overseas,, and its like we had nothing to talk about, was all sex
and, he gambled i would say stop it, he would kik me out the room, and kick me in my back, would fall to the ground he would then, hold me down to spit in my face....and then pick me up and take me to my room.....how was this that same person i loved....
He would get angry if i used to his money, and pull my hair, hold me by my neck.

once i tried to send a message to his brother, saying that his is gambling again, and he got so angry chased me for my phone, so i wouldn't send the message, and then he got on me so i couldn't move, and was putting the phone in my mouth.....there were times were he would just grab my face, and just like pinch my face, and worst thing is , he would go of ff and CRY, and then i would go see if he is okay..... and hug him and tell him its okay.....
cuz i felt like i understood him, i understood he didnt meant it, he cant help it, im like this is not the person i first met.

Then there would be so such great times cute times, where i was on top of the world, everything seemed perfect.... then i saw he gambled i would yell at him, and i was sick then had gastro he didnt even help, all night i was in the toilet crying, and all he could say to me was shut the **** up im trying to sleep. I asked him the next day, how could you listen to me cry, he replied with....you yelled at me why would i come to you.

There is so much more, just little things, at the end he had a fight with my mum showed her the fingers, and kept telling me im just a **** like my mother...I was pregnant he pushed me around, and i had internal bleeding, but one day he would be like have abortion next day i want this kid i love you IL changed, we will get married it will be different then, our own place, then next minute he is like ill struggle that kid when he is 5, or IL take that kid out of you myself. i couldn't believe what i was hearing, i felt very depressed and alone and scared.

he left, for Bosnia as i wouldn't marry me, my parents were happy. Said that i needed better i could do better,
BUT in my heart i still loved him, but wasn't sure why, wasn't sure what had happened, and i had my future planned, i loved him brought him to Australia , gave him all of me, and im isolated but i love him and feel like i need him!

my heart throbs from pain, when he was over there, he then blackmailed me for money, if i didnt give him 1000 dollars he was gonna post pics of me everywhere.... he didnt end up doing it i didnt send money. Later on, he told me he got into a gambling debt, and he needed money and if i could help him, but i didnt. and he got angry, before i said no he was all lovey dove i miss you, then i said no. and he goes angry starts saying horrible things, again, that he has better offers then me im just ugly and fat, and nobody will want me know.... just hurtful things.

and then next minute he changes, and messages me that he loves me misses me, wants to marry me!!! later on i found out he actual cheated on me once, he said... but i doubt it. i found out he asked 15 16 year olds to have sex with him...the paranoia that he thought i was cheating makes sense, worst thing he blamed me for talking to that guy, and i felt guilty and deleted everything fb friends, and yet he cheated but could never admit.

Everything he said he hated cheating lieing, its exactly the person he is and what he has done

I'M SCARED, i gave my all to him, i love him i do stil, but how stupid em i dont deserve this.

i keep thinking, he will find someone he loves and he Will be happy and, hell change for them and i guess im scared about that, that i wont find something like him. I feel like im still physically attracted to him....

i dont know what this is, but im sharing this story in writing it, i have cried over and over again, its painful. I dont know what to do, i feel like im hanging on still for him to change, and still be with him, but i dont deserve it!
and then i think the good times, and, think or fantasies in my own head, it could have been better i should have kept trying, i dont want him to be with anyone else....

what do i do, is this normal, or is it abuse... do i need help.
i cry over every ting now!

smwaha01 smwaha01
3 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I tell you, this is abuse, maybe a little of this is normal, but not this much,just remember, I have taken a Military Oath, I solemnly swear to help others in need, and I take that oath seriously, so I am here to help you

so, some of this is normal ?

i was so strong, now i feel weak again.

yeah, the first few seconds of it (Though my outlook of dating is totally different considering she tried to stab me with a pocketknife and another one tried to shoot me with a gun and blow up my RV house), but he should be arrested

It was abuse and it will be more if you consider still having a relationship with him. No one should try to control you. You should be able to do as you please in a relationship as long as you are respecting the boundries. He kept you emotional hostage because you were constantly trying to please him. Young love is tough because it's so many hormones and feelings. Please know you are strong and it's difficult but you will be in a better space soon. I know if you stayed one day you would feel the physical pain. It always starts with possessivness and control. I am glad you are safe. Soon your emotions will heal. Take the time to know yourself again. He took a bit of that from you. Damn him for doing that to you. Keep strong and know you are so much better off with out him. Cheers and here for your support.

Thankyou, for those words. Just that i keep thinking its my fault and i should have tried better. I have stopped talking to him, but find im constantly crying. I appreciatw your comment thankyou

The first thing any abuse worker will tell you "It's not your fault and repeat it over and over again. He had caused you to have those thoughts and you need to do some work to help yourself deal with it. Its a very difficult process. You are worth it. You are young and have a bright future ahead of you. Don't let this abuser define you. You are so much better than that. Try to keep positive and find things that give you please. Make yourself smile. You can do it. I have faith in you.The hard part was leaving...your future can get better. Learn from it if possible no more men like that!

Yes, my mum says i now know what to look out for. Writing this i kept asking myself this isnt possible, who isnt abuse, its just the wayour relatioship is, but writing here has really confirmed all of my denial i have been in, and still feel like im in. I am trying to stay positive an trying to do other things with my life, I just gave my all in this, and feels like im the one left without anything. Your words mean so much.

Keep on believing in yourself. You can do it. If you ever doubt yourself re read what you wrote. Remember what you endured and the feelings you never want to feel again. Do you have any passions? If you do dive into it and learn more about yourself. It's hard when you invest your time and energy into a relationship only to have it blow up on you. You lost something important to you. Regardless of weather it was healthy or not it still was something you invested in. Give yourself time to heal. It will get better. I promise. If you need to talk ..Im here. rooting for you

1 More Response

It was not a normal thing. You had to get out of that relationship.
Recovery is the next process. He was acting like a monster with you. It was all his fault. You need to stop worrying about him. Its time for you to think about yourself.
I hope you will recover :)

Thankyou, i am trying to recover but i dont thinn i have let go yet...i hope i will get there thankyou