Just Need Some Thoughts...

I think I just need people to talk to me, I feel so lonely and lost at this point.
I met my husband five years ago, he was charming and fun and super good to my son, but we had problems and broke-up off and on for the next couple of years. Two years ago we had gotten back together and I ended up pregnant and we got married... it has been hell since then. It feels like he starts complaining from the first minute he gets up until the second he goes to sleep. This morning I didn't wake him up (he has an alarm clock... I figured that would wake him up), I didn't put his work pants downstairs, the house wasn't warm enough because I turned the heat down, I didn't get him cough medicine for the cold he just woke-up with... basically I do nothing right and everything is my fault all of the time. So my choice is to either defend myself by fighting back or being quiet and let him continue. If I'm quiet I'm pathetic and so depressed and just think I have the worst life ever, if I yell back I am a ***** or crazy.
He goes through my phone every night to make sure I'm not texting anything bad to my friends (who he hates and tells me all the time how awful they all are). I'm not really allowed to go out by myself, even with his friends. Basically I'm supposed to go to work, take care of the kids, and clean the house and that is all.
I can't financially leave, I'm trying to get to that point but it won't be for a while. And that's all my friends can say to me, is leave, but I can't and that's not helping right now.
I know I'm screwing up my kids and I don't want to but we have nowhere to go.
Plus, he's already told me that he'll take my daughter from me if I try to leave.
Gah, this is a jumbled mess of thoughts... I just need someone who is going through this to help me see some light. I'm tired of being sad and miserable and alone in all this.
Does anybody else just wish the person would just hit you? It feels like they could get their rage out quicker that way.
There's so much to all this I just can't seem to get it all out. And then do they wonder why you aren't super loving towards them? It's hard to show love to someone who just called youa useless ***** 20 minutes ago.
bubbafly0727 bubbafly0727
31-35, F
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Hang in there. I am married (for the second time) and have a daughter from a previous marriage. Before he had children of his own, he promised to help me any way he could with my daughter. As soon as our other two children came along, then she didnt seem to matter any more and then I was selfish for taking money away from "his" kids. I have been called fat, useless, greedy, a liar, a manipulator, and many many other things that are not appropriate for any human to say to another, much less your husband. He too tells me he will take the kids away, but I know that no judge woudl give them to him. I have been through divorce before and I do nto want to put the kids through what I put my daughter through so I am making every effort to do what he wants to make things better. I went to counseling, but he refused to go too. I went to church, but he refused to do that as well. He said "lose weight". so I am. I didnt think I was that awful since he still has relations with me, although he has not kissed me on the lips in a year, held my hand, or even hugged me. At least when I get to that point that I feel like I HAVE to leave, I can say that I did EVERYTHING possible to make things work, and he didnt. I only hope that a judge can see that as well.

I am sorry that you are having to endure this kind of treatment.
I was married to a man who controlled me for 20 years. We are nearly divorced and he is still attempting to control me. For the good of ME, I had to leave him. I have been seperated from him for 2 1/2 years. We have three kids. He has made every moment of this seperation/divorce difficult, continuing to break me down in any way he could. First he tried to financially 'squeeze' me. Then he told me that i was going crazy or have a hormonal inbalance. He called me selfish. He manipulated the kids and tried to make me look bad in their eyes. He tried to manipulate me to come back by getting angry and then very sad. Do you see a pattern? He was much more concerned about his feelings than mine. For a man that has treated you this way, he will not all of a sudden "see the light." He will continue to live his life this way. Chances are he treats other people this way too. Just not to the same degree as he treats you.
THru all of that, I have on occasion tried to imagine going back with him and all I can see is darkness and a life that does not honor me. Being on my own has been a challenge, but it has been on my terms. Life is much more bright.
My Dad passed 20 years ago, and the thought of him seeing me treated so badly by this man made me feel humiliated. My Dad would be so upset to see how his little girl is being abused. You need to realize that this is, in fact, abuse.
Early on when I was at the same point you are now I had a hard time expressing my feelings. As you said, its all jumbled. Its all jumbled because you have so much stress going on right now. What helped me was to verbalize my thoughts. Luckily my Mom is a very good listener. And I know that there are free-or-low cost counselers out there that can listen. Don't worry about what comes out of your mouth, just let it out. Pretty soon it will start making more sense to you too.
You are not alone. Nobodies life is perfect (NOBODY.)

hi i am 15 from england i have the same problem with my dad

I've been there & my heart goes out to you. He does sound extremely controlling. For you to get to the point of wanting to get hit to get it over with is a true sign of it. It's very possible he will become physically abusive. For yourself & with your kids you need to get help. Find a reason to see your medical Dr and tell them what's going on. They'll hook you up with some help. Please take care of the kids & yourself. You need to do this.