The Dream

My boyfriend and I were the high school sweet hearts. The star baseball play and track star getting together and were as cute as can be. We started dating at 18 and 19 yrs old. I was on cloud nine since this was my second relationship and he never pushed me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with.

It wasn't until we left for college that things began to change. He began to call me and yell at me for random things. I figured its a relationship nothing is perfect. But as time went by, it grew worse and I didn't (and sadly still don't) realize the effects he is having on me. I began to be insulted, ignored, and brought down for all that I do. My clothes weren't what he wanted me to wear, I didn't say hello in the right tone, I was a few minutes late, I used my phone or texted. It became that every little thing I did was wrong.

I always thought in my head that this isn't normal, but deep down I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. We would argue over stupid things, but it always came back to me that I was nuts or crazy because I didn't understand him. All I ever asked of him was to just call me and don't ignore me. I was happy not going out or doing fancy things, but I didn't enjoy when I was ignored for days for no reason.

Just recently it became bad, he was ignoring me more and more for no reason. I would help him with work, he owns a landscaping company, and do things that at times i knew I wasn't strong enough to do physically but I tried. It was then that suddenly I was being yelled at for not being a real woman, yet I moved out of my parents house and he is still home. I can cook, clean, work with him and work my own job, manage family and friends, yet I wasn't a real woman to him and seen as lazy. I was told I wasn't good enough and that I need someone to hold my hand for everything, yet I never ask him for help because the answer is always no. He threatened me and told me he would hit me over the head with a log and bury me.

This talk grew in severity for the past 10yrs. I was put down for not being a "woman," not baking enough or cooking, for making a nice dinner but not having candles, asking him to come to weddings with me, for calling/texting, anything you name it I was made to feel horrible for it. I have lost all self-esteem possible and I don't feel good about me as a person.

Looking at it now, I know I wasn't a horrible person, but I have begun to feel that it is all my fault. If i was more what he wanted, he wouldn't have treated me this way. He recently ended it because he says I don't understand him and that I am too needy. I will admit I love him with all my heart and I am suffering each day right now because I am unhappy. I had a dream of him and I together and now I am alone. My friends don't understand how I am feeling because they have never been made to feel like they are nothing in the world.
Shootingstar1184 Shootingstar1184
Jan 20, 2013