An Ongoing Battle.

I guess I should just start, right? Hmm. I grew up as one of only few overweight people in my small town. I never had a boyfriend, got made fun of, and even had boys pretend to like me because they were dared to hit on the "fat girl." This, as expected, took a turn on my psyche. Eventually, I began to see myself as others did; as a leftover, that no one would love. I began to have a series of relationships that only lasted one night- to put it in the nicest way possible. I didn't love myself anymore. I didn't look in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw. I tried not to think too much because I didn't like who I was. Watching two sisters who were proportioned well and had a nice figure date and have flowers and cards sent to them was hard. Always being the odd one out was suddenly a life for me. I was sad and I was broken because I didn't fit in with anyone. My heart was breaking from loneliness over the fact that I was a big girl, and I tried to cure that loneliness with more food, only intensifying the problem. I began to throw myself into my school work, while continuing the relationships that I'm not proud of, and those guys most likely wouldn't admit to. I got great grades, but became even more of an outcast because of it. After I graduated, I moved out of that town, and I figured my life would change.

Two months after graduation, I met a boy in my new town. He was different from the types I usually liked, but I gave it a shot. The first couple months or so, he was wonderful. I got flowers, and cards, just like I was always jealous of. But more than that, he made me see myself as someone beautiful, something I never thought could be accomplished. Everything was bliss in the "newlywed stage." Lots of hugging and kissing, and a whole lot of love. I was smitten. However, about a year into the relationship, the blinders came off. I realized that I was becoming "that girl." I was the one making all the money in our relationship, he never worked. I had plenty saved up for an apartment before I met him, but I blew through it by spoiling him. I started small, getting him something he had been eyeing but couldn't afford. Then a little something else. And so it went. Until one day, I realized if I said I didn't have the cash, he would treat me badly. Eventually, he did find a job. Unfortunately, he didn't like to go and called off so much he was fired. Over the next few years (A total of four years, 4 months,) the same pattern happened again... and again. I was working two jobs and going to school full time to be a nurse. I returned home everyday to see him relaxing in a filthy house that I just cleaned the day before, dishes in the sink, clothes everywhere, and my poor dogs needing water and food. Instead of a "hey baby, how was your day?" I was greeted with, "Do you think you can make some dinner before you do your homework?" I knew it was wrong to be asked by a grown man to support him both financially and otherwise, but I was so content with having someone love me that I accepted this as the good and the bad and something I would have to just get used to.

Eventually the emotional abuse became too much to bear. I was constantly accused of having affairs, I had my calls scanned, my texts read. I had no privacy, I couldn't use the bathroom by myself. It became overwhelming, and sad. I was called a "*****" for wearing makeup. Told I was a "Fat B*tch" for saying I didn't want sex. Hearing I was "useless" on a daily basis. I began to hate myself all over again. I didn't believe that I was worth anything, because I was consistently told I wasn't. I no longer wore the clothes I loved, opting instead for baggy clothes that he approved. I stopped wearing makeup, and rarely did my hair. He didn't like my perfume as apparently, it was "skanky." The hair products I needed for my curly hair to stay healthy were also forbidden as they had a smell that was "alluring." I was suddenly a child again; having my clothes picked for me. I spent my 21st birthday babysitting him and his friends who were smashed, as I was told I wasn't to drink around men. That was the breaking point for me, and I began to learn about myself.

I learned that I am okay just the way I am. One day, someone will love me for the smart, big girl that I am and most likely will always be. I learned that love is so much more than flowers and kisses. I also learned that love hurts sometimes, but it shouldn't. It shouldn't hurt to be with someone, and no one should have to compromise themselves to make others happy. Although I have learned so much, my story isn't over. It really has only begun. I have only recently made the decision to leave. I haven't done it yet, as I am planning a way that is safe for me, due to his controlling behavior. I hope this journey will be a good one, and I hope that despite his relationship with me, he finds inner happiness and peace. I also wish the other women in this world a chance to learn about themselves and begin to love their bodies and souls the way they deserve.

An Ep User An EP User
Jan 21, 2013