I Am A Statistic

I am very new to this site and only now realized that posting my story in someone else's as a response is actually hijacking. Apologies.

My story:
I am sitting here crying my heart out because I cannot believe I am a statistic of emotional abuse myself. I came across your post (this website) by googling a place to seek help or counselling for something other than an abuse that leaves outer scars.

I only got out of the relationship 15 HOURS ago and not because I left but because he told me to F*** off and chucked all my things in my car and told me to leave and he doesn't ever want to see me again. I always wondered about how can I leave him, I was sure I wanted to be with him forever, but after every fight I wonder, How did it get to this point? Is it my fault? It must be my fault! Maybe I said something contradictory, because that is what he always told me too, that I contradict myself regularly. I started doubting myself and everything I did.

The final parting started as an argument about nothing, milk and its expiry dates. When he confronts me is when he knows I cannot get away. He asked me to fetch something for him and that I should drive while he was passenger, then he started shouting and belittling me whilst I was driving! Telling me that even his sister says I am a 'this and that'. That means his sister says bad things about me and he doesn't defend me! He listens and remembers it so that he can chuck it at me at a later date to make me feel bad. Whenever we argue about 1 thing he brings up loads of other things and times when I did this, or I did that, or what I said, even though at the time it was not a problem. Its like he hoards issues and irritations to throw back at me all at once. He constantly tells me I am lying and am a liar, and if we argue and I have an answer to what he is accusing me of he says I am full of excuses. If I take a few minutes to gather my thoughts and ponder about how to approach it and make my opinion heard, he yells at me and says I had time to think of an answer and it is all lies, says I always want to feel like a victim. He tells me people say and think bad things of me. And I kept asking him WHY? I didn't do anything! Then he says..." I don't know you should tell me WHY, there must be a reason". He always doubts me. Sometimes when I visited him and he'd get upset, he would get up and leave for a couple of hours, knowing I cannot leave or go anywhere as I did not have transport at the time. So I'd basically be stuck there in tears till he decided to come back and yet I was the visitor. Was that a way to 'keep me under control' like an animal?

I have to let him know when I leave to go anywhere and let him know when I arrived at a destination and God forbid if it was 5 minutes longer than he anticipated my arrival time to be. Traffic or no traffic. He would however never do the same and went wherever he please and whenever he pleased and I'd find out later that he was here and there, out and about. I keep hearing in my head "practice what you preach". I started feeling like I have to race to get somewhere and cussed traffic and traffic lights. He'd question where I was, am I really where I said I would be? I totally isolated myself from friends of my past (guys and girls) because I was afraid they would send me a message or say something to him that he would totally misinterpret even though I know there is nothing in my past that I am ashamed of or that I can think of that is bad! I never drank, did not sleep around, never did drugs, was never a party animal and do not hang out in clubs or bars and my mode of dress is very modest.

Whenever I am upset about something I keep it in because I wonder, maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, or just don's say anything to avoid a conflict. I'd do anything to keep the peace. Many times I would talk to him and he would not even grunt to acknowledge that he heard what I said and I would ask 'did you hear me, are you listening to me, why can't you just say er.' Any sound to acknowledge that I am speaking to you. Again, God forbid you don't answer him when he speaks to you, or you say it in a way that he thinks is with attitude or sarcasm. Don't you dare give me sh*t answers is what he'd say. Then he'd say, 'all day long you had attitude, all day you were miserable' and I'd wonder, 'was i?' I am sure I walked in here with a smile and kissed you to say hello. I am so afraid of making him angry. But nothing you do is good enough, when I cook a dish, it may have been better if I added maybe 1 chilli not 2. This veggie needs some more butter, that dish needs some more sugar. This pot of food is too creamy, that pot of food is too dry. And the thing is I know I can cook, it is my passion and nobody else seems to have a problem with it! If I fold his clothes away, it should be folded in a different way. If I tidy up the room then, this does not belong here, where is this? where is that? Even the direction the window blinds were turned.. but you did not notice I gave it a cleaning? Many times I have to ask, 'can you be more loving?', 'can you be more affectionate' but yet infront of his friends and family he was so sweet and so romantic and constantly affectionate, asking me, 'are you ok', 'do you need anything' or giving me a random hug, He would NEVER do that when we were alone and I would feel so confused all the time and ask him if I did something to offend him perhaps or if there was something bothering him.

A strange part of it all is that not too long ago I read a book about a woman who had everything and the world saw her husband as the most amazing and doting man but he emotional abused her. When I told him about the book he said to me 'that's what you say I do to you'. If I've already said it, and here I am reading about it, and it occurs all the time, it must be true then? I find that SO hard to admit even now! What about all the wonderful times we've had? Were those times wonderful because I just put the bad out of my mind for those few moments or those couple of days? I am now thinking to myself, after so long how do I go on without him? Everything I did before revolved around him. Will he ever know that he has a problem? I know for sure I cannot broach the subject with him, so what about the next woman? Will he go his life without knowing or believing that it is a problem?

I guess my out pour here is to show you that you are NOT alone! I wish I knew where to go, a support group of sorts.Everything nowadays is for physical and sexual abuse, some still don't believe in any other type.
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1 Response Feb 2, 2013

Your story fits my relationship perfectly...i just tonight did the research and put pieces together and realized my boyfriend is emotionally abusive...from what I've read, there is only one way to heal and grow from being a victim...you have to learn to value who you are as a person and give yourself worth...do not identify yourself as a victim or even as a survivor! Identify yourself as yourself and the abuse as a lesson LEARNED...knowledge and understanding is key <3