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What Is Emotional Abuse.

What is Emotional Abuse? I've asked myself this question a million times. I never knew the answers and for a long time I was too afraid to find them, I was afraid of what I'd discover. About myself, about my spouse, about our life. Then for some reason in the last couple of weeks I have been feeling more and more out of touch with reality and decided it was time to get some answers to the questions that I had been too afraid to seek. So I started posting anonymous confessions about things going on in my life. Just to get them off my mind. I started reading what people commented and considering what they had to say. Drawing my own conclusions from it. One of my confessions/questions was on this subject and when I went back and looked at the comments people had made. One comment stuck out more than any other. and the comment was "Google it" Google what Emotional Abuse was. and so I did. and the answers that I found were definatly not ones I liked. But they were a reality that I had been hiding from. A reality that I was too afraid to face. No longer. After reading what was there. My eyes were opened to things on a whole new level. My eyes were open to my spouses abuse of me. and while it may not have been intentional. I do not believe it was. For part of his problem stems back to his childhood. It doesn't make his actions any less real. and it doesn't mean that I can hide from them or ignore them any longer. Its time to face what couldn't be faced before. I am no longer afraid. and I can no longer sit by and endure my life and his abuse, as I have done for so long. Intentional or not.  Anyway so here I am posting something again. and I decided I wanted to post the questions that I found that helped me see what has been going on. and to help me realize that if things are going to work in my realationship my spouse and I need counseling. Him for his abuse and I for my recovery. and that if he isn't willing or doesn't want to go. I can't stay in the situation any longer, but must do what is right for me. So here they are and I hope that for some of women out there, that suspect themselves of being a victim of Emotional Abuse that these questions will help you see the reality of it, and will help you know that it is not healthy in any way. and if you want have a chance at happiness for yourself. Your gonna have to take steps to change your life. If that means getting the courage to confront your abuser and get counseling to work things out, or if their not willing to do that then it means getting the courage to say it's over and to take yourself out of the situation entirely.  Either way You can Not change your abuser. You can only change you. and what I mean by changing you is your courage or lack of it, to be able to put a stop to allowing it to happen. You can do it. Its hard. and it can be scary but you Can do it. You Can say Enough is Enough and get help. Anyway here are the questions that can help you answer what is emotional abuse if you allow them to:

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions.  Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources? 

Has your partner ever stolen from you?  Or run up debts for you to handle? 

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? 

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?


I hope that these questions have help to answer some of the questions running through your mind. and if so Im glad. Good for you. For being able to see what I couldn't for so long. Now do something about it. You can do it. You deserve better. and the only person that can demand better is you. Good luck.  Do not let me leave entirely on this note. For you men out there. Women are not the only ones that suffer this kind of abuse. and some of you men out there may have wives that are just as abusive emotionally as in any relationship in which the abuse is a male to female one. and these questions that I have put up should be ones you ask yourself too. and  as an addition to your section I want to add:


"Marry the man today -- and change his ways tomorrow!"

--Lyric from Broadway musical Guys & Dolls


Our culture excessively, irrationally accepts the "I'll Change Him" philosophy, where a woman selects and then "molds" a partner to her liking.

Certainly, equal loving partners may decide to change their physical HABITS to please each other -- but a person should NOT be asked to change their LIFESTYLE, PERSONALITY, HOBBIES, or CAREER CHOICES.

If your partner asks you to be or become a different person, remind them that they originally selected you as yourself.  If their preferences have now changed, then they should either attend counseling with you, or admit that the partnership has ended -- so that you will be free to find a new partner who loves you for who you are.


and on an ending note I would just like to repeat to everyone. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!YOU CAN DO IT! YOU DESERVE BETTER! and you are the only one that can demand it for yourself.  Good luck to all.

Oh and yeah. For more info on Emotional Abuse take the advice that was given me. "Google it"

and for those that are wanting to know where I found what I posted above. Its at:

UndeniablyConfused UndeniablyConfused 26-30, F 69 Responses Dec 1, 2008

Your Response


I am 21 years old. When I was seventeen years old, I started dating a boy. He was my first boyfriend, and to this day is the only person I have ever dated. He was very nice to me at first. He was such a gentleman. Always left me nice notes and said the sweetest things to me, and I fell for him. He just seemed so nice. So we started dating, and I hated kissing him at first because I was nervous, and to make it worse, he would put his hand on my thigh and try to make out with me. His hand always crept higher up my thigh. This happened nearly every time we were alone. I always told him to stop, and he would. But then a few minutes later it would start again. I DID kiss him, by the way. I just hated making out. I am very shy and we hadn't been dating very long. So eventually, it got worse. Around the sixth month of us dating, we were sitting in my room and he started kissing me and he put his hand in my pants and started touching me. I told him to stop. He didn't. I tried to pull his hand away from me, but he's a tall boy--6'2--and I'm a very small girl, and I couldn't make him stop. He just smiled and said things like, "You know you like it." When he left my house that day, I texted him and said he better not ever do that again. I didn't want to be sexual. I was only 18. So he said ok. But then he just started begging me for things. He begged me to send naked pictures to him and I said no, so he said I didn't love him. He said he would break up with me if I didn't. We argued over text messages for probably three hours about how he thought I didn't trust him or love him and he was going to break up with me. So I did it. Then he begged me to give him a ******* and I told him no. He said if I didn't do it, then I didn't love him and he would break up with me. I didn't do it, and he didn't break up with me, but it left me feeling horrible. He had stopped texting me in the middle of that argument and I thought he broke up with me, but he didn't. I went to school the next day and he wasn't there because he was on a trip and I contemplated breaking up with him all day, but I had low self esteem and part of what he said made me think he was right. He made me feel Like I needed to do those things he wanted. He made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I didn't want him to feel unloved. But still, I didn't do what he asked because later he said he was sorry, so I forgave him. Eventually, he started being mad at me all the time, even for things unrelated to sex. He would call me a ***** all the time and say I was controlling and that I didn't love him, and nearly every month he would get so mad about something stupid and threaten to break up with me. Meanwhile, he was subtly saying things that looked normal, but really were very mean. He would say these things with a smile and act like he was being nice, but they made me feel horrible. He told me things like, "You're not hot. You're just cute. You're just not what guys consider hot" and "I'm the only boy that would love you." "Because of me, you aren't alone." Basically he would just make me feel like if I left him, then no one would ever love me. He made me think I NEEDED him. Every time he yelled at me or called me names, he would eventually apologise a few hours later and say he didn't mean it. But it didn't feel like he didn't mean it. Because he always yelled at me and threatened to break up with me, I started doing whatever he wanted me to do. I felt like I was a horrible person and I felt so guilty every time he got mad at me. So I just gave in. But if I even seemed upset, he would get mad. I wasn't allowed to be sad. I always had to pretend to be happy or he would be mad at me. By the time I was 19, I had become so depressed. I don't even remember the last time I was happy. I was at his house one day and he just randomly told his mom we were getting married in a few months without even asking me. And I told him I wanted to wait awhile. But he refused. And I actually did get excited. Our relationship was a roller coaster. I felt like I needed him. I felt like if I married him, He would love me and keep me safe, because that's what he always wanted me to believe. So I married him. And now I am 21, and he really has gotten better. He doesn't make me do things I don't want to do. He doesn't call me names or say hurtful things usually. He does slip sometimes. He admitted to me that he said mean things like no one else would ever love me because he was afraid I would break up with him if I thought there was someone better. He really has changed a lot. And yet, I'm still not happy. I hate being around him. And yet, I hate when he's not with me. It's still a roller coaster, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that he hurt me so badly. He doesn't understand that I don't know how to be happy. And I am scared to talk about it. Because I still have to pretend to be happy. I don't know how to be happy.

Yes. I have a similar story. I just in the last few weeks looked up abuse (emotional) and was a little shocked and yet validated when I finally realized I was being abused. I also don't think my husband does it intentionally, but I do know I won't put up with it any more. We have seven kids and I need to show them what a respectful, loving relationship is. That won't happen if I stay here. Thank you!

I've lived with my husband/ex-husband off and on for 17+years, been with him for 18+. For years I'd wondered if I were going crazy, as he told me that I was. He'd say things in the fight that would just completely hurt me, like dragging up my past and the fact that one of my brothers raped me when I was a child, just to shut me up. When we were married, he cheated on me with a friend of ours. I was so low by this point that, a few days after I was told about the affair, I attempted suicide. Know what his answer was? If you truly love me, if you want to be with me, you're going to let me be with her. I will come home when I want to and you can't say or do anything about it. What finally woke me up, all these damn years later, was a child. In September I found out I was pregnant with our second child. He didn't want to keep it, as we had medical issues going on. And there was this "promise" that we would get help and try again. Well....come end of November, no changes were made whatsoever. When I'd mention getting medical help for him, oh no no no we can't have that. Excuses, excuses. Blame it all on me. You made me sick. It's your fault. I didn't want that damn kid. And it finally woke me up. I'm so sorry that it took SO LONG for me to realize what the hell has been going on all these years, and even sorrier still that I had to lose a child to see it.
Once it dawned on me, I started to do a little research, as you did, and found that our relationship and what he's said and done over time fits the description of emotional abuse down to the letter. I am putting together an exit plan for me and my daughter, as I will NOT raise her around an abusive jerk. She deserves better.

Wow, I answered yes to all of these questions. For years I have thought that I was crazy and that I really was the bad person in the relationship. I have only recently realized just what this man has done to me. Now I have a child to consider and feel even more trapped than before.

I did some more research on this since you mentioned it and it said that it can cause anxiety, chronic depression and or posttraumatic stress disorder. I looked into anxiety and PTSD and it looks like I have some symptoms. Although PTSD is mainly related to serious, intense trauma and it also says you must have loss of physical integrity as well as serious psychological response to it (like intense fear), some of the symptoms are some of the things I still suffer with like; avoidance of triggers (which I do sometimes), sometimes flashbacks almost daily of things he did, decreased capacity to feel certain feelings and my future being constrained. It appears I suffered PTSD when I dislocated my knee, but in this case, I'm referring to my last abusive relationship. It's been like a year since we broke up, but I still get worried/anxious/scared whenever he's around me or, I think he's near me, or if I see something which reminds me of him. When I looked into anxiety, PTSD was what related to me most.
I looked up if abusive relationships could lead to PTSD and it appears it can. O.o

I'm new to this site and have never joined a message board but have done personal research and seen a therapist for six months now in which both have taught me I'm subject to verbal, emotional and psychological abuse by by husband of one year. Although my username sounds as if I'm strong enough to know better, the truth is I've had trouble leaving this mess. On one hand I'm trying to prepare financially, but my therapist is concerned if I continue to stay I will continue to brush things under the rug. Everything stated in the post above is what I experience. He's just so selfish. I need the outside help and was hoping this message board will tell me whether it gets worse. It can't get any better, I know. But will it get worse? What will happen to me if I keep turning a blind eye to be financially secure? Has anyone escaped this successfully?

honey, find some place where you can go to get out of your situation. A friend, a relative, even a shelter if you have to. Go there when you have had enough. For me, it starts with a string of insults and then there is nothing I can say or do to stop the abuse... so I just leave the area. I say if you are going to continue to insult me, I am leaving. switch off my phone, say goodbye and return later when things are better.

You have to be very strong to simply take all the abuse internally, it is very draining, and can lead to depression.

Hi Johnsmi1 you are one of the few responses to my response and first ever posting above so I wanted to thank you for reaching out. As I just mentioned to Pleasebekind below, I have finally gotten out of that toxic relationship. I no longer feel depressed. It all just came together and I just upped and said I had enough. It only got worse. I wish we would all help others out there.

I was also in an emotional abusive relationship and let me tell you, I did not believe it could get worse, that he would continue to hurt me. He always seemed so genuine and would do things that would make me think "wow this guy is really in love with me, there's no other answer, he loves me so much that I make him this crazy". After they apologize over and over for their hurt. Their behaviours keep popping up in different ways and lights. You start to notice it more and more each time, while they don't (ever). They will see they understand but they don't. Soon enough, once you start standing up, or noticing the repetitiveness, you start to catch on. The abuser at this point loses their control. When they lose their control, they become more mean, selfish, and will do anything to blame you. At this point, it can get worse and worse. It could even shock you the extent an abuser will go just to get a good or bad reaction from you. At that point you NEED to get away. It becomes a war for them. Financially you should be more scared if he is the one in control of the money. He could use your finances to control you as well. They get desperate, trust me, I did not believe it either, but after he became physical - I know it was for real. In solidarity. -B

Oh my days, this is exactly what abusers do! I've always found it hard to describe so I respect those who can!

I haven't been on this site since October of 2013 but am glad to announce that I left for good about 1 month ago. Everything you said above was true. The more I called him out, the meaner, nastier and more selfish he became. The cheating, womanizing, lying, all got worse I just lost my mind one night and screamed for him to get out. It took me about a day to simmer down but I have been feeling so much happier. I am shopping at Wal-Mart and saving where I can to fill the financial void. It's tough but I still wish I had left sooner. I wish I had read your post sooner Pleasebekind, but the problem is others who wrote similar things just couldn't get through to me. I feel that is the biggest problem here with the other victims out there. How do we get this to stop happening?

Hello all...I'm responding to my own post. I can hardly believe it when I see the words I wrote above only four months ago. The h*** I was living through. I don't understand why I tolerated it. I left a month ago and couldn't be happier.

3 More Responses

thank you for this post

I Googled Narcissists...
It Helped Me See_But They Only Thing Changing is The One Being Abused By Them.

Reading this reminds me so much of me. I am in a shock phase I think. Not wanting to believe that this is me. Although I cannot answer yes to all of the questions- I have unknowingly become codependent and will do almost anything to get him to love me or even respect me and my choices. The emotional/verbal abuse is there I am too having trouble facing reality or accepting that this what I have allowed to happen. I'm not there yet... but I hope that one day I will be.

Yes to all :(

Thank you for explaining emotional abuse. I have been in a marriage for twenty years dealing with emotional, physical, mental abuse. I am just now (like this week) trying to get out of it. I know I have a long way to go in healing but it is nice to know there is a name for what he did and does to me. Just because one doesn't always see the bruises on the outside doesn't mean there aren't any inside. I can relate to almost every question you posted. Now I am doing something about it. I am a survivor.

I have been in an emotional abusive relationship for a long time. I have an eight year old daughter and I have seen her change the way to react to his behavior and I am not doing it any more it has been a rough 6 months of divorce but I am getting out and I hope to I become a stronger person for myself and my daughter!

After 15 years of marriage and being emotionally, and verbally abused, I have finally opened my eyes and accepted it.
I no longer have the will, or fight in me to stay much longer.
I say much longer because after staying home for ten years to raise children ( his decision) I have just now gone back to work, and need to save a little nest egg (probably a couple of paychecks) before I can secure a place for me and the children.
I wished I had gotten out sooner. He had me stay home and made it seem like he wanted me to enjoy being a SAHM and how he was sacrificing for me to be able to stay home, which I loved doing. I also see now he was setting me up to be financially bereft of my own money.

We always say "there will be another exit along the way", and once we do turn around and see the path of destruction paved behind us, it's almost unbearable. Everything becomes clearer - their background motives and intentions, the fact that we really were experiencing abuse, and all of the turn-offs that we missed and should have taken.

It's impossible to recognize until you're at your wits end; when all strength and all try is diminished. Then, to leave, life asks us to be the strongest we ever have.

I agree with shadowwolf44. I am in that exact spot as I write this. I am scared, I don't know what I should do. Its a family member that's doing this. I don't trust her, she is my sister. I google " Sociopath " and I almost got sick! She fits to a T. They say my sister is very dangerous. She has tried to ruin me in so many ways, talking behind my back then when she see's me she says " hi how are you " very charming person. She has stoled from me, she thinks she's intitled. So much more too... Thanks shadowwolf44 I'm not crazy afterall..

I'm short of words here, I don't know what to say about what Dr khakani has done for me. My lover scott left me for almost 2years, I really loved my husband scott because he was my first love, When he left me I thought the world was over. But when I came in contact with dr khakani he just told me that my lover will be back to my arms within 48hours and that he will love and respect me forever. So the most surprising thing is that my lover is now back to me and we are now together. My lover bought me a nice car and now I also have access to his bank account to show me that he will never leave me or hurt me again. Am so grateful to dr khakani. Please Dr khakani is a great him for any kind of help and he will never disappoint you. His private email or cell phone +2348062216903

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Thank you! You are inspirational.

I was like you. I had no idea the reality I faced until I looked it up and researched it. And even then, I was on the fence about what I was going through. I finally got the courage to believe it and that acceptance has helped the healing process - what I went through IS a big deal and not just "life."

my fiance is emotionally and verbally abusive, and i've grown accustomed to his bullshit over the years, and sometimes he leaves me flabbergasted, he is so disrespectful at times an then at others he's like a prince charming. what is his issue, in this relationship it's like he's so much more better than me. and I hate that feeling, and I'm not strong enough to walk away cause I can't even land a ******* job to rely on. it's like nobody is hiring and I just feel so trapped. I am the unhappy housewife and I always worry on what this ******* has to say. he says he's an ******* and he's proud, he ignores me when im hurt, he just ignores me when im enraged. im so tired of his ****. honestly. if i could be rich and tell em to kiss my *** I would do it in front of the world. and I'd move the **** on. He agreed to therapy two months ago and guess what? he doesn't feel he needs any. i mean do you think therapy would make him a more understanding '*******?'

I have been with this man for a year now and I love him more than anything, we have been living together and I'm completely comfortable around him but he is very emotionally abusive. One minute he's happy, the next he's mad and saying hurtful things for no reason and out of nowhere. And when he gets to this point there's nothing I can do, if I ignore him he gets angrier but if I sit there and respond to everything he says he just keeps going and going and the fight escalades. He is even ruining things with my family, he disrespected my dad and puts my family down, and everytime we fight he talks crap about me to his mom and has made his family hate me, I could go on and on.. Anways he is bipolar and in a week and a half he is getting put on meds, he seeked help because he wants things with us to work out, and I don't know what I'll do if his meds don't work, I don't feel strong enough to walk away. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want him to meet someone else. I don't want to be a stranger to him. I can't imagine my life without him, If we broke up for good I would be depressed for a long time, it takes me forever to get over someone I would be heartbroken for a long time and it would take years to get over him completely and move on with my life and be happy again. When I love, I love deeply. And I give my all. I'm so confused. Part of me KNOWS I should leave because I do deserve better but the other part of me is saying, 'but do I want better? I love him.' I wish I would have listened to my Dad from the very start. He has always known better than I have.

I am in a similar situation, but I have stayed regretfully for twelve years. Now I feel more trapped than ever. If you recognize early on that you should leave, just do it. You will thank yourself later. In the meantime, I am still working up the courage...

I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm going through the exact same thing. After our incident where I nearly left my husband, his solution is to go back on his bipolar medicine. But that was just a bandaid and didn't even always work anyway. He admitted that he has a problem, but now he seems to think that the problem is not his control issues or his manipulative personality, but his inability to control extreme emotions. I would so much rather him admit to being abusive, not just explosive, and go to actual therapy. Instead he just brags about how quickly he can get meds from his new doctor because he "can get her to do anything he wants" since he's smart. He expects me to think that is awesome. The truth is, he doesn't think he's abusive, he thinks he's doing me a favor by going back on meds because it makes me feel better about him. I don't. Not only do I not believe that he will stay on meds (just long enough to placate me), but I don't believe the actual subtle abuse will end until he talks about some very deep seated issues with someone other than me.
My worst fear, as you mentioned is leaving him. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Every night as I lay falling asleep I wish that in the morning everything will have changed and will truly see. And I wish that none of this had ever happened and the I could still think of him as my perfect man, without a sick feeling in my stomach.

I have been emotionally abused and sadly it's in my current marriage. I never knew there was so much to it, but I do know the experience. It's hard to be with someone that you cannot talk to without them getting upset. It's horrible to feel trapped, and I know the feeling. It's fear, it's walking on eggshells just to please the person abusing you. Emotional abuse hurts, cuts deep and really changes a person. I never knew how much it could change a person until I experienced it. 10 Years and I know that it's not right for me to be in this situation. Getting out is the hard part.

i am new to this site and i am really happy to hear all of your responses. it has helped validate my feelings. i thought i was going crazy. i knew something was wrong in my marriage but could not figure it out. i had only been married for 1 year. the yelling and temper tantrums started early in the marriage. i was yelled at, spit on, ignored, lied to and accussed for making him angry. he did not allow me to get close to him. he was very secretive. he was not intamate with me. it was like he was punishing me with it because i asked to be held and made love to. he would get angry and not talk to me for days. not even sleep in the same room with me. i tried over and over to explain myself. if only i could make him understand that what he does hurts me then he would not do it anymore. it seemed no matter how i would say it or what i would said he still did not get it. i can't believe i let him do this to me. how come i did not see it. i left the marriage. i thought i was the only woman out there with this experience.

I don't know that i agree with the swinging between closeness and distance. My husband was a total under-functioner. There was no feeling of closeness. Same of origin stuff...feelings, even good ones, were threatening. Difficult personalities that engage in abusive behaviors are marked by a mistaken assessment of danger. When feelings are dangerous, and you are vulnerable and close to someone, and you can't handle that, then abuse can occur.

Making you think you are crazy is a big part of a emotional abuser, they make you think that you didn't say something, even though you know you did, they will argue and say they they never said something to you, when you know they did. I Finally got proof and all I heard was I am sorry, but a few hours later I was still wrong.

I am so scared of being alone. My mum and stepdad live in a one bedroom flat and all my friends are the same or married with families in the house. we both share a small amount of debt but enough for me to not be able to afford a rented place of my own. he earns much more than i do but dont i just know it, but then he can be lovely and spoil me with the money he earns. it confusing me . everyone thinks we have the perfect live and we do 50% of the time. my best friend that has know me from when i was 7 even got annoyed with me the last time we were together telling me that i was boring. i am boring and i think it is because of my homelife i am trying to be sensible grownup and perfect all the time when really i used to be shy when you 1st meet me but then very chatty ditzy up for a laugh and would do any thing for a giggle i.e. was on chat roulette and got dared to flash my boobs (still in my bra) to bunch of 15 year old boys, where as the old me would have flashed out of my bra and not felt guilty but i felt restrained even though my partner was no where near and afterwards i felt guilt towards my partner. tonight without asking my partner told me to grab beers from the shop when i was nipping out, i have work tomor but he still didnt care to think or even ask if i wanted to have a drink. i didnt say anything because i know i would just get told i didnt have to stay in and have a drink with him or that i was boring. we then decided to search for songs we love on internet, he pickd 2 then i picked but he didnt like what i picked and so i asked what else he wanted on and he replied nothing seeming i had ruined the evening and was boring and that he would need to seroiusly think bout wether he should leave me behind then he goes off too bed leaving me feeling like ****. all because i picked a song i liked after listening to the songs he liked, and yet before that when he was under the impression i wanted to have a drink, he was fine smiling away and being quite cuddly. there is so much more i need to get out my system but it isnt that i am boring but rather that i cant do right for doing wrong. i know tomor he will say it was because of drinking and not having something to eat ...... he always does. but can that ever excuse the fact that i have been called a freak, idiot, boring oh and he had the decency to tell me that he has had better looking gf's in the past. one min he is the person i am closest to in the world and the next i feel like the loneliest. does anyone deserve to be treated or spoken to like this??

to iamsadtoo,
To the last question: Absolutely not!!! Maybe if you think a second, you will realize he isn't all that interesting either. Maybe he thinks his money makes him interesting?
If you sit down right now and make a list of all the traits you would want in a man does hit all the marks? Does your list include "rude" and "jerk" or "insensitive d*ck"? Well, then he probably isn't mister perfect either so maybe he should take a look at himself before criticizing others. I think you can do better. Be confident in yourself. Go find one that fits your list.

I have been in a 2 year long relationship with someone whom you have described to a t. He abused alcohol, cocaine other drugs. He destroyed me, day by day, and I allowed him to make me feel like it was all my fault and that I was crazy. He also tells people I am the crazy one. He had verbally assaulted me so terribly and berated me and even when I start to cry, he goes "wha wha wha" now you're going to start that f in sh@@t? Shut the F up, you're pathetic. I just can't even believe I let it go on for so long. I just kept hoping and hoping that he would change, but of course he never did and hated me for trying to make him. In retrospect, I can't believe just how abusive he was emotionally. Finally, he punched me in the chest, and that was when I called it quits. I was crying and begging him to stop verbally abusing me and threatening to leave when he did it. I think the reason why one still feels so attached to the abuser is because they crush your self esteem and you end up feeling like no one will want you. Also, it is an addiction. Abusers are very hot and cold. Its the hot we want to feel, so when they get cold and abusive, it makes the good stuff seem all that much better than it is in reality. <br />
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Im finally starting to feel less and less pain after leaving a 2 year of an on and off again relationship with my abuser. Its only been a few weeks since I called 911 and pressed assault charges, and I still cry over him, but don't even want that feeling again.

I do truely hope that you have been able to gain strength from all of the support found here. You have made it more then halfway because you now know what it is. Personally I was abused by my bi-polar wife of 17 years and the ones who suffered the most was our 4 children. Since reading "co-dependant no more" I found that I was enabling the pattern of destruction within myself and my children. Now divorced for 11 years I wasawarded custudy hands down, she moved from the east coast to the west and has seen very little of the kids over the years, we are all much better off. I found a loving spouse bringing the total to 7 kids to raise, all but the youngest are over 22 and our jewel is just turning 18, honor student since the 5th grade we are so proud of her. Then she turns it around and writes this poem that explaind to me that as she see it, I was the hero for saving all of our lives (very hard to listen to her, we do what we have to). With one of the largest challenges ahead of me (my feature story). we seem somehow to all be walking in step and full of support which is a most amazing thing. <br />
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My message -- once you are able to see what is broken, the path to fix it is wrought with pain, sorrow, & loss. What you gain is self confidence, trust in your higher power, and a repaired self-image that will propel you forward.<br />
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Hugs to all, we deserve them<br />
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I always had this dillusional thought that my partner and I were going to sail off into the sunset together. YES I did "Google It" !!!
My first thought was WOW are these people in my house spying on me. I knew the truth I was just too afraid to confirm it.
Have you ever asked your significant other to do something very simple for you and it becomes a BIG project? Do they ask you a question more than twice until they get the answer THEY want to hear? Do you feel like your under the microscope every day? Do they have a two standards one for you and one for them? They pick up on every lil mistake you make but never on "hey you did a great job"? Communication welllllllll lets just say if is an opinion forget it you dont have one or if you say something they dont like you are starting an argument. Emotions hmmmmmmmmmmm apparently you got to hide them. They like to sweep everything under the rug like its nothing but yet to you it is everything. Life in my house has become a guessing game as to what mood or frame of mind he will be in today. The one I hate the most is the Silent Treatment and sometimes I don't even know why. LOL one time he dint speak to me for a few days because he had asked me if i needed to go downtown I said Yeah to Pharmasave apparently because I didnt tell him what I needed there he dint speak to me now how childish is that? These emotional abusers are just like little children who will go out of their way to get whatever they want whatever the cost. His mother passed away at the end of December and since then it has been a real eye opener. This is my second time around with this individual and it really makes me angry that at one point after separating for two years that I FORGAVE HIM. Because I loved this man. But having this so called second chance (three years now) things would be blissful for us. NOT
We moved in together the second time around That was a mistake and a half. My daughter he kicked out of the house a few months back (she now lives at my mothers) My friends they dont come here because of him and I cant do the things I like to do for sake of making a mess of things HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLO I am ME who the heck is MEEEEEE anyways? That is what my goal is NOW to find out who I AM to LOVE ME and to get my own place to GET OUT to GET MY LIFE BACK..I was given this second chance I BELIEVE to open my eyes to see that NO he is not the one for me.
HAVE FAITH, GAIN STRENGTH, GET OUT!!!!!! They are like a vampire and will suck every drop of life you have lett in you out.

The best analogy I seen defining the emotional abuser is "That emotional abusers are like vampire they suck the life right out of you"

My father has issues controlling his temper; one time, I asked him if I could shave--this was middle school-- and he flipped out. Another time I coughed at the wrong time I guess and the same. I always thought it was so surreal that I must be losing my mind. It was never physical abuse and no one would believe me when I told them. Constant harassment was something I had to grow up with. It made me severely depressed. I had a similar experience of seeing my mother being locked out of the house. He seems to take a pleasure in manipulating and undermining my well being. I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy!!

Hi, It is so good to read your comments to reassure me that I am not going loopy and I am not alone in this awful place!<br />
I left my partner 4 weeks ago after enduring 6 and a half years of emotional abuse. I left with only a few personal belongings, my daughter and our dog whilst he was out playing football. I just knew I had to escape while I could before he dragged me even further into the hell I was living in.<br />
He has called me names, he has accussed me of making him feel inferior in a social events and then reduced me to tears with his accussations of how my behaviour was an embarrasment ( yet everyone else who was at the same event are shocked when I apologise). It almost as if he blames me if he doesn't have a good time and therefore only feels better when I am crying and begging forgiveness. He yells about the state of the house ( yet it is pristine). he shouts at our daughter to put her junk (his name for her toys!) away and if she doesn't he throws them in the bin. She was not allowed to make any mess. <br />
He would call me to check where I was, would berate me for being late and demand to know why. He would blame me for any little thing that didn't go to plan in his life. My parents weren't welcome to visit the house and my friends all knew that they could only call when he was out!<br />
It was a living hell and I am now living with my parents and's scary but already I have found a home for us to move into and am getting my life back.<br />
The only bad bit is I am meeting him this week-end so he can see our daughter.........know it is probably the wrong thing to do but I have given in to his demands and now regretting it! Just hope I can get through the week-end unscathed!

You may have left with only a few personal belongings but YOU LEFT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR LIFE AND DIGNITY BACK!!!!!! That is everything to me.
My partner is a perfectionist I think that comes with the territory with these individuals. If my daughter left a single thing plugged in in her room he would rip it right out of the wall claiming it could start a fire. Her room may have had a lil clutter from time to time (what teenagers doesnt) It was never good enough. She never felt welcome in her own home because of him. We are not their mothers and he is not ours. Dont go back I dont know how old your daughter is but he will weedle his way back through her if he can.

I think I am in an abusive marraige of 7 years and reading you story I almost feel jealous. I wish I had family to go to. I have been thinking of ways to leave for years but can never figure it out. For one thing I would be back to minimum wage since he hasn't let me work all these years and he wouldnt let me get a degree so I'm totally unqualified for anything. Also, I have no family to go to. I wish I could leave like you did!!!

The truth is, ALL abuse is like this. physical or emotional. The abuser does things he knows will hurt or embarrass or otherwise intimidate his victim while doing other things to make sure his victim will have no community support or help. It's the classic pattern.<br />
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You do need to know that a personal relationship need not be treated with the same protocols as a courtroom trial; you do not need "proof" that he is behaving this way. You KNOW he is; you've been living with it for a long time. It is not a matter of taking notes, it's a matter of believing yourself and knowing you have a right to be happy. And having the courage to seek your happiness.<br />
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You also do not need his agreement or approval; you do not need to convince him that he is an A-word sorta guy who is good at covering up socially. Can you seriously imagine there will ever come a day when he will say, "By gosh you are right! I AM an A-word! Wow! Now I see it!" That will not happen. It is not a matter of making him admit to anything; you are not a police interrogator and you don't need to make him admit to the truth in order to see it yourself. You only need to acknowledge it yourself.

You are 100% right on this. For months, I have struggled in vain to get my abuser to see that he is an A-word (among other choice names), but he will NEVER see that. Yesterday, he had a distinct moment of clarity in which he admitted that he was guilty of making women uncomfortable and invoked the feeling of "walking on eggshells". He told me he didn't LIKE to be this way, but didn't know how to change. He seemed so sad and lost. I almost believed him! But hours later, he was berating me again. They never change and they will NEVER, EVER want to accept the ugly truth. Their truth is not the same as OUR truth. Abusers live in a fabricated reality where they are always in the right. There is no point in wasting my air on trying to reason with this man any longer. In his eyes, I will always be wrong. But in my heart, I know I am right.

they go through what is called 'ego dystonia' phases where they do see themselves, feeling remorse for the pain they caused others. a 'normal' person would change hurtful behavior but not a 'diseased' person. took me 4 years to figure that out. my ex would feel depressed, feeling bad about himself, feeling such remorse (and it was genuine) but would behave the same, do the same action. absolutely no learning or personal growth. they are just stuck at that stage forever. incapable of change. remember you are dealing with a diseased, disordered persons.