Escaped From My Abuser But the Memories Remain

I was in an emotionally abusive  relationship for 2 years off & on. The man I was dating seemed to be a decent guy when we first started dating. I was a virgin at the time and he had pressured me into having sex with him. He was my first real boyfriend & I felt that if I didn't have sex with him, he would leave me. I cried the entire time & I will never forgive myself for having sex with him. After we had sex his attitude towards me would start to change.

 

He would go through stages where he was either really mean or really nice to me. We would go out to movies, to dinner... and I remember one particular night we went to dinner at a restaurant, one of my guy friends happened to be there. The hostess had seated him in a boot diagonal from where we were sitting. My boyfriend had gotten up to use the restroom so I moved over to my friend's table for a little while to say hello. I went back to my date's table & he would not speak to me until we got to the car. Once we were in the car he yelled at me & told me not to see my friend again. I should have broken up with him at that point, why I didn't I will never know but I think it has something to do with fear for my life. I lived in a dorm and my roommates would never lock the doors, security wasn't the best either so I knew he would find a way in.

Once of the things he did that totally bugged me was that he would always talk about the other girls he had sex with. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him talking about these things to me and he was upset about that. I told him that it was unfair that he wouldnt let me talk or mention that one guy friend of mine that he didn't like but he totally ignored that.

 

The cycle continued. For Valentine's day he got me a cell phone, my very first one. At the time it was a really cool gift but in hindsight I now see it as a way he controlled me. Whenever I didn't answer the phone he would get upset. I would keep the phone off if I was with friends or family & he would get really mad. But whenever he didn't answer the phone when he called me I was never that upset... 

 

A month later I was driving home from spring break to see that guy friend of mine that my boyfriend didn't like. All of a sudden my boyfriend called. This was before cell phones had caller IDs on the outside screen. Assuming it was my guy friend I answered the phone. When I found out that it was my boyfriend I cringed. I didn't want him to know where I am so I would give him the location of where I was 10 minutes prior. He said he wanted to go out with me but I told him I had plans with some friends. He got really upset at me and yelled at me. I hung up the phone.

The whole time I was at dinner with my guy friend my boyfriend would call. Every 5 minutes. I don't know why but I picked up the phone on about the 20th call. He yelled at me & said "You aren't hanging out with your friends you are going to return your phone to me" with tears in my eyes I told my guy friend that I had to go because I thought that I could fix the situation.

 

When I met up with my boyfriend again he yelled at me for picking my friends over him. I told him that I never get to see my friends so I wanted to see them. He yelled & punched the hood of his car. I feared for my life & he apologized. We made up & then we broke it off in June when I was supposed to move with him & he said he was going to leave me in the apartment after we had unpacked, the apartment was 4 hours away from home at the college we were both going to transfer to, and he was going to leave me there while he returned the rental truck back at home. I told him that I didnt want to be left in the apartment alone...no electricity or water would be turned on either. He said I was being selfish. We broke it off.

 

I decided to relocate to that new college anyways. I felt that it was such a good experience for me. I was doing well, made some new friends and then all of a sudden this ex boyfriend of mine emailed me right before my birthday & said he was still in love with me & that he was a changed man. Being extremely stupid, I took him back. Again at first things were good but then he started to be verbally abusive again but this time I would fight him back on it. 6 months later we broke up & I havent heard from him since.

 

It has been 6 years since I left that relationship but the memories still remain.

 

First of all I regret losing my virginity to him. I am a christian & I have gone to confession about this & although the priest says I am forgiven I still think I am not & will go to hell for what I've done.

I'm currently married now & couldn't be happier but wish I had lost my virginity to my now husband.


Second of all I have flashbacks about the emotional abuse almost all the time. It has gotten better with time but I tend to have flashbacks of the name calling. WHat's terrible is that whenever I go back home almost everything in town reminds me of the abuse. The flashbacks sometimes get so intense that I feel like screaming "STOP IT" really loud or I will get a flashback & start to shake a little. I don't know how else to stop it & to be honest I am kinda scared to tell a psychologist because I don't want them to lock me up in a mental ward.

 

I know I need some help, I can't let him continue to control me 6 years later.

 

I don't know what to do

Thanks for listening

Alicia

AliciaJennifer AliciaJennifer
26-30
2 Responses Mar 12, 2009

Dear Alicia, i just wan't to tell you that in time, your memories will fade, ( i am a survivor 2) and not be so 'intense' what you are describeing sounds like P T S D, (i have been there 2, and i had that too) don't ever feel that god won't forgive you, when we confess we are instantly forgiven, the right "meds' will help you with p t s d,<br />
I wish you all the best Feflower

Dear Alicia, I'm so glad you didn't get stuck with this abusive boyfriend. But please don't feel bad about the flashbacks -- it is entirely normal, and if you told a psychologist, they would NOT think you are crrazy. I know, because I've been through very similar experiences, and have had some wonderful therapists -- they would see it as a very healthy sign that you could talk about this so plainly. <br />
I wish I'd been as wise as you to break it off with my husband. I hope I have the strength to do it. There is a small part of me that doesn't believe that I can make it on my own.