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I Feel Beaten Down

My boyfriend is really controlling and manipulative.  I am always wrong, he is right, no matter what.  I am nice to him when he throws fits, throws beer, and is generally being a baby.  I used to clean up after him, but last week when he threw his soup at the wall I didn't clean it up.  I told him it was unacceptable behavior... go me.  I've been excusing his behavior since he is recovering from a severe brain injury... but it's been a year and I don't see how this situation can improve.  I want to get away.

Anyway, I feel trapped even though we broke up.  He wants to work things out, but I just don't know if I can take this anymore.  It's not fair to me that he just doesn't see how bad he is for me.... why doesn't he want me to have a nice boyfriend?  Why won't he let me go?  He says he loves me but his actions say he loves what I do for him.  He's always asking for something, never giving back.  Why does love blind us like this?

He hasn't hit me in 4 months.  And he's been really good at not yelling and trying to communicate... I just don't think he knows how!  How can we work things out when I feel so used? 

f4faeries f4faeries 26-30, F 16 Responses Mar 16, 2009

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I remember reading this a few months ago.. I can totally relate to this. Why do they throw childish fits?

My ex would also throw food :/ and .. Ialso used to say "he hasn't hit me in ... months". But id always wonder.. was he gonna hit me again? :/ it was an unsettling feeling

Still is :/

Leave him. Thats the option you have, he isnt worth you feeling like this believe me I know. I was in your position last year and it was so difficult but whatever you do please dont have children with this man, he is a pathetic excuse of a man!! LEAVE before things go even more wrong!

I am going to be blunt honest with you. You can't work that kind of thing out. The more this happens the more confused your going to be. It messes with your head and emotions until you wont function for yourself the way you should. You won't know how your suppose to feel or what you should do. And it sounds like your on your way there.<br />
Get away from him before he kills you or leaves your body not in the same shape. I just went through the exact same thing and suffered broken bones and three concussions within fourteen months. He did exactly the same thing and I waited to long to get help. If a man hits you it doesn't matter why you get away. They never slow down they pick up momentum. Since my problem I have helped others and it is always the same. Like watching the same movie over and over. He could take your life by accident doing that with one blow or leave you with brain damage. Get some help, call the police and follow through. Get a restraining order ASAP. Do not be alone with him it only takes a moment and you won't see it coming in time. By the way their was fourteen months between my beatings. Time means nothing if the rest of it is the same.<br />
Do you have anybody to help you?

I would continue to tell him what behavior you will not tolerate and warn him if it happens again there is the door.

Has not HIT YOU IN FOUR MONTHS? My heart goes out to you. You have GOT to find the inner strength (hard as heck) to get out. There is NO ALTERNATIVE.<br />
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If I can help you just let me know. Seriously.

Yeah its gonna get worse and worse and worse, and then god help you if you have kids.Then he will have ways of torturing you that will make a beating almost welcoming.I gave him (ex) chances because I was afraid of him and wasted the best 10 years of my life.Now Im just worn out and close to breaking point with lawyers and court.All the while he smirks and lies and smirks and lies.

you know its amazing no brain injury here but he has thrown dinner plates because it was too hot. And sent margarine flying because I said something that upset him over dinner. I am not sure how to guide you as I am lost myself. I love him like crazy but I am up right now as I don't want to go to bed, as the moment I lie down I know he'll have something cruel or rude to say and if I bring it up? I'm a baby and I am overreacting. All I know is it feels really good to hear that I am NOT being a baby and I am not overracting and it's not ok that he acts like this.

I hope this are better for u guys please donot let him hit u again u need to get help to help u get though this.You can do this take it day by day

I hooe everything works out for u

I actually had a similar aituation to urs. My boyfriend of almost ten years had brain injury & use to throw coffee across the room curse that my 2 year old started cursing people out. he has broken my cell phone hairbrushes coffee cups anything he can get his hands on when he got mad. he started to threaten & hit me. i did finally get out of that situation,i know it is hard to do. he stalked me for awhile but finally came to the realzation that i will never take him back.

I truly hope things are going better for you. I was always "not a quitter" in relationships. Having to let go was just a necessary thing I had to do. I dont recommend it, unless you know it just WON'T get better. Mellie

Thank you for your concern. Things are going much better--no physical violence and he's on medication. I get a new therapist in two weeks. I'm so excited for a fresh start!

I'm sorry to say but all he's doing is buying some time... he will start the abusive behavior again, he won't be able to help himself. I suggest reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I'm sad to say i have been with my husband for 16 years and married for the last 5 years. I made excuses for his actions, his bad choices, his abuse... i had low self esteem and believed the nasty things he said to me and after years of taking his abuse i actually started to replay it back in my own head, "you *****, how stupid are you, you fat ****, what were you thinking, you stupid ******* *****" to the point of believing it all... and the thought of another man touching or kissing me turned my stomach. The words escalated to throwing things at me, then to waking me up at all hours of the night screaming and swearing at me, then standing over me in the middle of the night until i woke up and then accusing me of cheating (as if i was ever out of sight long enough), and then humiliating me in public, completely out of control. After i asked for a divorce and he realized i was not going to take him back he threatened to go get his gun and come back for me, broke out my windshield so i couldn't leave, and cops picked him up when he went to get his gun. just because others don't see it or think he's a nice guy or he had a bad break doesn't mean its not real abuse. Read the book, highlight everything that has already happened to you, then take a step back from the situation and see it for what it is... abuse. then get out of it. It sucks, it's hard, it's lonely, it's sad, it's hard but it will get better.... eventually.

Girl actions speak louder than words! Never settle, you deserve the best.

I am so glad to hear you are in therapy. And i hope things work out... but I want you to remember that you are an amazing person, and deserve the best. If he has been capable of hitting you, then it CAN happen again. I believe that love should come, easily, and shouldnt require therapy and fear. I mean, its not like im against it all together. Sometimes love does require effort, especially when things start to sizzle when you have been together for so long.<br />
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But my boyfriend would NEVER use fear to get a point across. We may fight, but we dont yell at eachother and belittle eachother. We love eachother too much to verbally (or AHHH physically) or emotionally abuse one another. <br />
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Getting out of a relationship can be the hardest thing in the world, but many times, its the right thing. You WILL be stronger, you WILL solidify your bonds with friends and family, and you WILL find someone new. Please dont let him hurt you anymore

Thank you for your comment. We are both in therapy. He has a nueropsychologist and is medicated with an adrenal gland inhibitor. We try to see the traumatic brain injury as a way for him to reinvent himself and change for the better... but the process is so long and arduous that I feel like giving up.<br />
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I was going to move out yesterday but we sat and talked for hours. I decided to give him a trial period to see if things will change. Already I feel better because he left and gave me some much-needed alone time. There's nothing like dancing around to techno in my pj's!

Thanks for the response to my post. I can't tell you how much connecting to other women in this predicament has meant for my spirits. <br />
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I feel for your story, and I do hope that you stay away from him. The overwhelming odds are that his good behavior won't last -- brain injuries greatly complicate things, so I understand. I truly think you're on the right track with your thinking, and you should celebrate your independence and wisdom in that! CONGRATULATIONS!! <br />
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When I've gone back to my husband (first time was 10 years ago), it's been times I've let fears dominate my thinking -- fear I'd never find anyone else (unfounded!), fear that I'd somehow caused his bad behavior (wrong!!). In hindsight, I wish I'd stayed away and kept my mind on productive, positive things -- anything. Gardening, learning a language, taking classes, exercising, listening to music. You're young, and there's time. Please consider that you have the gift of time to become anything you set your mind to do -- this BF will only drag you down. NOT hitting you in 4 months is STILL not enough. The trust was broken. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for HIS not being able to move on -- ONLY HE IS. Sounds like he needs counseling and possibly, medical intervention. You CAN feel empathy for him, even affection or lust for that matter, but draw a line and don't let him ever cross it -- to protect yourself, and YOUR FUTURE. You are the one in charge of that -- no one else. <br />
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Take care, and give yourself a hug. I wish I'd had this advice 15 years ago. <br />
Peace, <br />
FDM