I Am Not Sure Where to Go From Here...

I am honestly not sure if I am being emotionally abused. All signs point to yes, as the 8 ball would say, but I am having trouble seeing it myself. The other night, I spoke to my mother (the supposed abuser) who once again demonstrated her talent for making me feel like a failure, made me feel worthless. After my boyfriend and my best friend approched me with concerns I ended up doing some research. My mom fits the descriptions for many emotional abusers. All while I was growing up (especially after I started High School) She would scream at me for various things. Albeit, most of these were valid, at least in my eyes, I was making mistakes. I failed a class, I forgot my keys, I put a load of clothes in the dryer with a previous load of towels (don't ask me why that one's particularly memorable, but it is.). I remember her telling me (she still does) that if I don't lose weight, I won't get a good job and people won't like me. She hit me a few times over the years  (With shoes and hangers usually) , not alot and she left a bruise maybe once or twice. Never anything serious. When she did though, she got really serious that if anyone asked, I fell down. She threatened to hit me alot, one day (I was actually in 8th grade at the time, and the day before my birthday, mind you) She said "I don't think you're going to school tomorrow. I think you'll be in the HOSPITAL!!" She was always coming up with people that are worse parents than her, trying to make sure I knew I could have it alot worse, I guess. One of her favorite things to do was when I did something she didn't like, she would make me call someone (a friend of mine from school, usually) and tell them what I did so I would "be embarrased at my actions, as I should be." I'm 20 years old now, and have not lived with her for almost 2 years. Now the things that she nags me about are more serious. I have taken only 2 college courses in the same number of years. She compares me to my 2 of my cousins, both several years my senior, both went/going to Ivy Leage schools on full ride scholorships, telling me that I should have been able to do that too, if only I had worked harder. Everytime we have a large argument, it goes through the same cycle. She get steadily more upset, hits her peak (She doesn't really yell anymore, I think she just got tired of her throat being sore) and the next day I get an email or a text or a voice mail saying, in a nutshell, "I'm sorry I got upset, but I'm still right." What gets me is that she usually is right. Does this mean that it's not abuse? Even if it is, a part of me would rather just wait it out since at least I know how she operates, rather than do anything about it because I can't help but feel like that would only make things worse. Especially since she is a very determined woman and once called 6 different subway stores where I now live until she got ahold of my roommate (who worked there at the time) so she could have him call me. I don't know anymore what I can or should do....

r3n4g4d3 r3n4g4d3
18-21
7 Responses Mar 21, 2009

This is definitely verbal abuse. If a mother wanted to give appropriate encouragement to her son, she could say something like, "is there anything I can do to help you find your way?" or "I am worried about your studies, let me know if I can help you?" or something like this. It is not appropriate and it is verbal abuse to minimize you by comparing you to these other people who are Ivy Leaguers. The key thing you said is that even when she's sorry she is right. That is classic of a verbal abuser. In their heart of hearts they think it's OK to put someone else down because that person deserved it. Also, the thing about making you explain something embarrassing to someone else--that is classic verbal abuse. It's like the verbal abuser wants to present evidence that other people think you're the problem. So basically they are right, and you are wrong, and everybody else agrees with the abuser so that's proof that the abuser must be right. Most abusers have a self-esteem issue. Also, verbal abusers make a big deal out of little issues like laundry or things like this. It's normal to be frustrated but she could ahve said something like "please make sure to take out the batch of laundry before you put the new batch in" or "I am upset that you ruined one of the towels" but a verbally abusive person cannot manage the issue, it just boils over until they blow up. They typically don't have the ability to let something go. It's easy for me to say because she's not my mom but you should get out of the house so you're not under her control, change your phone number to a cell phone that she doesn't have the number to, etc. She is a toxic presence in your life.

yes shes diffinately in the wrong and it is abuse.There is however an underline issue.I think she loves you and cares for you and she only wants the best for you but she has been using fear and anger instead of love to try and help you make right choices in life.If she cant change her ways.Its best to stay away from her.Why dont you write her a letter explaining how shes making you feel and what is doing to you.That might make her wake up and realize if she dosent stop shes going to lose her daughter and your going to lose your mom.

just wanted to add i agree with viciousteeth.she is very controling.writing a letter just might help but you cant let her keep doing this to you even if shes your mother shes wrong.

yes shes diffinately in the wrong and it is abuse.There is however an underline issue.I think she loves you and cares for you and she only wants the best for you but she has been using fear and anger instead of love to try and help you make right choices in life.If she cant change her ways.Its best to stay away from her.Why dont you write her a letter explaining how shes making you feel and what is doing to you.That might make her wake up and realize if she dosent stop shes going to lose her daughter and your going to lose your mom.

first of all, don't hesitate: she is an abuser. Give up any doubt on this. Know what? I guess you know arleady: one of most typical symphtoms or eviodence of having being psychologically abused is this exactly: thinking it's maybe YOUR fault. I wish you read my story and become a friend of mine. My advice is to keep away from her, avoid as much contact as you can. Your are young yet. Every action of her will weaken your self. Don't do what i did: letting her damage me until my life seems to have been destroyed forever. Damage accumulates. Don't let it. Escape. Save yourself.Escape. Escape from any spiritual predators when they have already begun to bite your self-esteem and future. But before they have exhausted your inner strenghth and eaten you up entirely.You wonder if she can be doing things right? Weel, that is the most worrying sympthom of damage. The syndrom of Stockholm. Escape. Escape. Enjoy your youth and take profit of it, let yourself make a better future for yourself before it is too late. Don't be as helplessly stupid as I was.

Sounds like a cross between my ex g/f and my mom (to a point).<br />
<br />
First thing I would do is tell mom to shove it cause it ain't her life. Tell her you're not interested in hearing her comments.<br />
<br />
You are what you are and you have to tell yourself, and her that you like who you are. And if you're not perfect, or make mistakes, too bad. You're only human.<br />
<br />
Uh, you can check out, and find support here: http://psychcentral.com/<br />
<br />
Good site with nice people who don't judge.

Sorry it's so long, everybody! This is my first time doing this.... ^^;;