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I Will Never Tolerate It Again.

I know this about myself: I see the good in people. When it is not obvious to everyone, I take special joy in appreciating it, nurturing it, loving it. Loving them. There is a lot of good in this world, and it is hidden in some unexpected places. 

 

I expect this tendency of mine came from growing up in the family I did. I have a family of wonderful people...and they are people with very difficult personalities. Of course I love my family; I just had to look for the good in them and love them for who they are.

 

For years (until just recently) I was missing a KEY ingredient, which was the ability to protect myself. I can do that now. And I will do it when necessary, even if the person I have to protect myself against is my own mother, even, someday, my own daughter.

 

Here is what I know: I do not EVER behave in a way that I know will hurt someone else for spite. I may be the cause of misunderstandings, I may accidentally hurt feelings or step on toes. I may inadvertently stir up issues that run very deep. I am available to discuss, explain, and correct those things when they come up, which they will, inevitably, in any close relationship. But set out to hurt someone? Nope, not me.

 

Something else I know for sure: I no longer reward behavior that intentionally causes me pain. It is just sick to reward someone for torturing me, and I am through with that pattern in my life. I want to bring people into my life that treat me well. I am not asking for any more pain.

 

The deepest pain of all is thinking that someone you love would purposefully hurt you. I will not do it, and I don't want it done to me.

 

 

serenityprayer serenityprayer 31-35, F 11 Responses Jul 2, 2009

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It will take a while. Be patient with yourself. Personal growth is always painful, but also worthwhile.

I also hope to get to this point in my life. Right now I'm coping with the seventh month since my mother's suicide and an extremely emotionally manipulative and abusive father. I'm in his control right now, and I hate it, and I feel helpless. But I'm inspired to get to where you are, someday soon, before I go crazy.

There was a lot of fear for me as well, so I know what you mean. All I can tell you is that I grew up in a family in which I was taught not to trust myself and my own perceptions. Other people always told me there was something wrong with me if I didn't think their way. When I found my counselor, I was hoping he would settle the argument for me...meaning tell me who was morally right and who wrong. He didn't do that...he made me self-validate, which I was previously completely unable to do. Learning that my viewpoint was valid without anyone's permission or stamp of approval was quite a turn-around. And I realized that the worst-case scenario was living without these controlling, angry people in my life, and suddenly that didn't seem too bad. These days I kind of hope I will **** them off enough to make them leave me alone forever. ;)

This is where I hope to be. Not just logically, but actually to live it and act it out.



I think fear of isolation and fear of not ever finding anyone who will fit me keeps me from achieving this. Maybe one might call that lack of self-esteem?

Thanks Glimmerrr...it took me a lot...LOT...of practice, but I think I finally have it now.

wow, thats great u realized it =]

when i did i felt so free from the person abusing me

i am so happy that you have over come everything

It takes so much strength to be the kind of person you are. And I couldn't agree more with that last statement you made.

Nicky- I had the perfect storm come up in family life, which put me near my breaking point and forced me into counseling with the best family counselor I could find. He saved my life, in every possible sense of the phrase. I learned to trust myself, and I learned the difference between loving behavior and controlling behavior. I also learned what "normal responses" should look and feel like, and I realized that I was almost wholly unfamiliar with them.

The final push to learning to protect myself was having a child. How could I protect her if not myself? How could I be there for her reliably if I was always giving myself away to the most demanding person? It was imperative that I stepped up for her benefit, and I'm proud to say I did so.

i had an interesting upbringing as well. And I have just been learning that i have a hard time protecting myself because of it. I had to accept some rough individuals, but always see the good in even the worst person!!! Your right, its true! How did you learn to protect yourself, what situations have happened...or was it just pain over time???

Thanks, DenverGuy. I needed to hear that today. :)

You should be very proud of yourself for the things you have learned! Your story has really inspired me. You have such a wonderful heart for not wanting to hurt others. Very happy there are people in the world like you. :)