It's Getting Worse.

A while ago I wrote a story about how emotionally abusive my husband is.  I was getting ready to leave him and I even had the u-haul on the way.  I heard a terrible scream outside.  I ran to the barn and found him laying on the barn floor where the cows are.  A board broke underneath of him and he fell straight through to the bottom floor.  I took him to the hospital and the doctor said that he had broken his back in two places.  The doctor also said that he was very lucky because the breaks were considered  safe breaks and that it would a long time, about a year to heal properly.  I did'nt leave him after that because I thought that would be a very mean thing to do.  I felt because he is the father of my kids so I should stay and help just for their sake.  I also know that if I left then our crops would not be taken care of and that is alot of money invested and profits to lose.  I am also the only one besides him who can operate the combine.

My husband is starting to feel better and is walking around well.  I was up picking sweetcorn and he came up to help out a little bit.  I thought that was nice because I now he still hurts.   He said he was hungry and wanted to know why I had'nt cooked for a couple of days.  I said that I was very busy doing my work and his also and I did'nt think that it would be a big deal since there were plenty of leftovers in the fridge.  All of a sudden I felt arms around my neck and he began pulling me and draging me out of the field.  I could'nt breathe and it hurt really bad.  He just drug me out of there and went back in the corn field and did'nt say anything to me after that.  I just laid on the ground until I got my breath back. 

Our little 4 year old was there but I did'nt think he saw anything.  I just went back in the field and continued to pick the corn so I could pull myself together for the sake of my little boy.

This morning we were back in the field picking again and my little boy said to me "I do'nt like daddy mommy."  I asked him why and he said "because he choked you"  I did'nt want my son to feel bad so I just said "No sweetie,  i'm all right.  Daddy and I were just teasing and playing around a little bit.  It's okay, mommy is okay."  I don't want my son to think that way.  I don't want him to grow up thinking it is okay to hurt someone.

I realize now that there is really no way out.  If my husband can do that with his back the way it is, he could alot worse when he gets completely better.  I could never leave and be at peace with it.  I would worry every time he is with my kids alone.  I have to be here so I know that he won't harm the kids.  If I go and the kids are here without me I would worry myself sick.

I'm just plain stuck and I know it.

abdm abdm
41-45, F
17 Responses Jul 12, 2009

Hi abdm, did you ever away from your abusive husband?

My father was abusive. . . My mom (though she is mentally abusive now but wasn't before) left my father, she went into a woman's shelter when she was sorting things our. However she didn't take us, i wish she would have left sooner. My childhood was ruined then when she finally did leave i was abused growing up from my two older siblings because they learned from our dad. They were little when it happened too but the habits stuck. I lost my whole childhood, i can never get that back. So it's better to leave now. Move away, I know you might be thinking it would be sad for your kids to grow up with out a father but i wish my mom would have. Just leave but don't you dare leave your kids with him because they will be the next choice. . . and it's scary.

Time to leave.... he is obviously healed enough. Best thing you will ever do for yourself and your son. I promise. It will be rough at first, but in 10 years from now when he is a bitter, old, lonely, violent mean, man, you and your child will be healed in the heart and mind and living a new life. <br />
<br />
God luck to you<br />
<br />
Be well =)

I know that trapped feeling. My wife goes on benders with drinking, drugs, and some of the scummiest people ever. If my son and I leave, he'll have to visit in whatever place she lands, surrounded by the sort of people she likes to get drunk with, and without me there to intervene.

You will do what you have decided to do. You have a bit of a martyr syndrom but understand the reality of you situation better than anyone else. Fear of someone is a poor replacement for love of them. He has your fear and seems content with it. You are his hostage and slave in all the worse ways.<br />
I am sorry. Make the best of it. Revel in the good parts of life that you do have. Be proud that you are protecting your children. These are all you have.

you actually *have* just taught your kids that it's ok for your husband to hurt you. gtf outa there now. take the kids. take his crutches.

OK, I have not read all the comments left for you.<br />
<br />
I have a different idea.<br />
<br />
you are a strong woman, strong enough to farm.<br />
<br />
strong enough to fight back.<br />
<br />
If you will not leave, you must not tolerate his abuse for another second.<br />
<br />
He understands your acceptance, now he will escalate.<br />
<br />
time to change the rules.<br />
<br />
You need to understand what ruthless is.<br />
<br />
you need to understand changing a behavior, both yours and his.<br />
<br />
you no longer accept his abuse.<br />
<br />
He learns there is a high price to pay, and abusing you is not convenient.<br />
<br />
this is not for the squeemish.<br />
<br />
you need to hurt him. not holding back hurt him.<br />
<br />
if you think it may escalate his abuse of you, thats coming anyway.<br />
<br />
you need to kick him in the shin, you need to buckle his knee, you need to take a frying pan and make it ring against his skull. something that will absolutely give him severe pain. Oh and he does not have to see it coming more random and surprising the better, but can't hold back.<br />
<br />
then you need to tell him, he will never lay a hand on you again or he will pay a price he can't imagine.<br />
<br />
there is another initial alternative you may want to try, but it is useless if you can't do the one I just described.<br />
<br />
you need to stand over him in the almost dark, poke him, and when he wakes up. just very firmly and very frankly tell him. <br />
<br />
he needs to wake up and think about what you didn't just do to him, and how he is never going to lay another hand on you in anger.<br />
<br />
he has no qualms about hurting you. He must know you have even less about hurting him.<br />
<br />
he may challenge this. then you need to bust his head open, asleep or awake makes no difference.<br />
<br />
may want to give him some nice laxatives with his favorite dinner, just as a reminder.<br />
<br />
I Know all this sounds bad, but it is a bad situation<br />
<br />
leaving would be a nicer alternative, mine are last resort.

if you are strong enough physically and mentally to work the farm while that man was laid up then you are able to take the kids and leave. You will be of no use to your kids if he throttles you. For the sake of your kids and yourself just get away from him, he wont change, if anything the violence will get worse and the end will come when he has planted you 6ft under.<br />
I cannot sympathise with your arguement that as long as you keep him happy you will be okay because what might make him happy today will just as likely **** him off tomorrow.<br />
Your decission Abdm but my advice is to run 1,000 miles in the opposite direction.<br />
good luck and I guess we all want to know how it goes for you.<br />

Get out now it wont get better your young and still have a life to live he will soon start abusing the children and them will most likley end up beeing like him. Go get out of these life.

You cannot hide it from your kids. They see and hear things even when you don't think they do. I know what I am talking about, I lived it as a child and my kids have also.<br />
You may not have grown up in an abusive home but most likely he did. Over 75% of man(or women) who abuse grew up in a household where they either saw the abuse or were the victims themselves. So if that is what they saw it is all they know. The abuse go's on for generations. Unless we stop it. That is what I am trying to do for my kids. If you cannot do it for yourself than by God we do it for our kids. We cannot allow our kids to grow up that way. I know someone whose daughter told her her "Mommy just divorce daddy, then he wouldn't hit you anymore". The daughter was 6. When I was 15 I told my mom I hated her for what she had done to us. She had no idea what I was talking about. I told her for leaving us with our dad and letting him abuse us while she worked. For not just getting a divorce. My own kids have alot of anger for all the years I have wasted in an abusive relationship, for allowing him to come back, for putting them in that situation. YOU DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN WITH YOUR OWN KIDS!!<br />
So you cook him a nice supper, maybe something isn't cooked to his liking, or you don't clean up from supper fast enough, or one of the kids cries, then what? We both know what will happen. There is no justification in his behavior. In the eyes of the law we are viewed to be just as much at fault when we stay in an abusive relationship, when it comes to the safety and well being of our kids. I say this to purely open your eyes, as I found out the hard way.<br />
You cannot do what it takes to make him happy and keep it calm. You know why, because the rules change everyday. What made him happy yesterday will not be the same today. They are master manipulators, and will do whatever they can to control you.<br />
It is your choice but I pray you make the right one, if not for yourself then for your kids. Just know it DOES NOT get better, and almost all NEVER change.<br />
Look at this way, are you happy with your life the way it is? How is it working for you? Is it fulfilling for you? Can you talk to him about problems when they come up , or about the kids? These are a few simple questions, be honest with yourself, take off the rose colored glasses and see it for what it is-----ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE---IT IS ILLEGAL!!<br />
I am not cold hearted, I am purely giving you factual information. I have been going to a support group for battered, abused women and working with the local YWCA. I have been told numerous times they want me to go thru the advocate training. I feel like I am now, finally ready. I will not sit back and shut my mouth if I know a woman and/or her kids are being abused. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY. GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE REALLY DOES SUCCEED IN KILLING YOU---HE HAS THE POTENTIAL --HE ALREADY CHOKED YOU TO THE POINT OF ALMOST BLACK OUT--WHICH IS ATTEMPTED MURDER---WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED<br />
It is hard, but the best decision I could and have made. Within a week I already saw changes in my 7yr olds behaviors--for the better. Harse words, I know.<br />
My thoughts and prayers are with you, because I have been there and lived it.

Don't tell your child that you were just playing around. When he grows up he will think that is just playing around and you don't want that. Get out now while you are all in one piece. there are shelters in nearly every area, You have one life and you cannot waste it on someone with such dangerous problems. Best of luck to you and your kids.

You are not stuck. You can get a restraining order and have the court grant you temporary sole custody with no visitation allowed due to the abuse.<br />
<br />
If you stay, sooner or later, he will do this to your child as well, even with you there.............

Get out whilst the going's good. Best of luck. x

Strawberry1969<br />
<br />
I would never leave and not take my kids. My fear is leaving when the dad would have visitation.<br />
<br />
I did not grow up in an abusive household.<br />
<br />
I am very confused and scared mostly for my children. I don't know how to handle any of this. I am so confused and scared right now. I'm just trying to be as calm as I can be and trying to hide everything so my children don't get upset. <br />
<br />
I'll cook a good supper for him tonight and he will be happy. I will just do what it takes to make him happy and keep everything calm around hear.<br />
<br />
I guess when you grow up in a very loving family as I did a person can go into such a state of shock it's unreal.

There is no justifiable reason for someone to treat you this way, he will drain you of all your strength and will and keep taking more without a second thought to your well-being while you suffer endlessly for him. If you don't leave for yourself, you should do it for your kids. YOu don't want your kids to end up in your position or following their father's lead later on in life. <br />
That theory that people end up either becoming like or dating people like their fathers is no joke. Everyone I've known including myself, that have tendencies toward being in abusive relationships ALL learned it from their parents.<br />
It takes a lot of courage to leave an abuser because they wear you out and knock your self-esteem down so low that you look to them for comfort and validation. And start believing that you deserve the treatment they give you because you'd rather believe that than believe that someone you love would intentionally hurt you.<br />
<br />
Its hard, you must feel like you're stuck because that exactly what your abuser wants, they're good at making people feel that way. But you are a woman, you are strong enough to create life, you are also strong enough to protect it. It'll be hard to leave but you can do it, it'll be worth the struggle to save yourself and your kids.

First why would you even think of leaving and not taking the kids? Second you are only stuck if you allow yourself to be stuck. If you continue to lie for him, continue to justify to yourself. You know it will get worse. How are you going to stop it from happening to the kids? Do you realize in many states it is illegal for acts of DV to be perputrated in fromt of the kids and BOTH parents can be arrested. Do you honestly think you are doing what is in your kids best interest to stay? To teach them it is ok for daddy to beat on mommy? To teach son's this is how we treat women? To teach daughters it's not love unless he hits me?<br />
I speak from experience. You need to be calling the police when he gets physical with you. In the above mentioned incident he choked you so hard you could not breathe that meant he left hand prints which could have been photographed by the police as evidence. Do you realize by him doing that he may very likely caused severe damage to your voice box or any ligaments in your neck. If you have had a sore throat since then or neck pain or cough anything new or different SEE THE DR.<br />
If you call the police it is documented, you also can get a order of protection if you feel your safety and well being is in danger and it definately is. My protective order removed my husband from our home. There are agencies that will help you. There are shelters you can go to. I will be completely honest and tell you this, you are better off in a shelter because you can get more assistance with things. Many have access to pro bono lawyers.<br />
Do not say you are stuck, you are stuck only if you choose to be.<br />
Pm me if you want more info, as I have a lot more.

oh my gosh i am so sorry!<br />
its never okay for anyone to do that<br />
you should call the police and tell them what hes doing<br />
then file for divorce, if the police know what he does to you they sure as hell wouldn't let him have custody of your kids, even for a weekend, without supervision