Is This Emotional Abuse?

 I just joined this thing bc i think i've been emotionatlly abused. But maybe I am overreacting . Below I've listed some quotes (what he says when he's into me, and what he says when he's going through that phase where he's not). Will somebody please tell me if this is emotional abuse?? 

To clarify, I am a nice person. I'm not bragging, it's just true. Most people would describe me as the most laid-back, caring person in the world and I've been in a healthy 3-yr relationship w/ my bf before this. Swear I'm not high maintenance. I'm practically no maintenance. 

You should also know that everybody LOVES him. He has so many friends, very charming, funny, life of the party. My own friends won't believe that he was verbally abusive. It makes me think I might be crazy. He is nice to EVERYBODY else and his family seems so nice... what's my problem??

WHEN HE'S IN THE PHASE WHERE HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE: 
(on feeling like he can't go out without me cause it makes him feel guilty and anxious) 
" I just feel bad that your friends stay in all the time so you're just like sitting at home and don't have anything to do while I go do stuff." 

(after I've spent every nigth there and i THOUGHT he liked it, randomly one day out of NOWHERE:) 
" You don't live here ok??? Why do you feel like u need to spend the night every night?" 

(on why he ignores me when he goes out with his friends) 
" Well I just knew you were gonna be mad at me and frankly didn't wanna deal with it." 
or: "I'm sory I don't have my phone glued to my side when I go out" 

(if we haven't had sex in a while and I ask him about it) 
" Why do you always feel like we need to have sex? It'd be nice if we could just hang out once in a while. Sorry I don't feel like having sex everyday." 

(when I try to make him dinner) 
"Well I don't understand why it's so hard for you to bring the stuff over and make it here instead of going to your place." 


"I'm sorry, but there's just not that much to do at your apartment. It gets boring sometimes going over there. It's not you it'd be this way with any other girl. I just like being in my space with my things where I'm comfortable and have something to do." 

"Well your family hates me, so I'm not quite ready to face that obstacle yet." (he NEVER wanted to hang out with my family.) 

"No, we're not going to watch that movie (jokingly) . Since when have you picked out a good movie julie?" 

"I'm sorry, I just don't have to hang out with you every day to know that I like you. Why can't you just be confident and know I like you?" 

"Whenever you think something is wrong, instead of bringing it up why don't you just wait a day and see if it goes away." 

"Why are you being so negative?" 

WHEN HE'S IN THE PHASE WHERE HE DOES: 

(on why i didn't want to visit him in his city while I was still in college) 
" You have two main priorities in life, julie. Partying, and being a ****." 

(about my roommates, the NICEST ppl in the world) 
"Well, I just feel like by being around them you've changed. It's like they're kind of *****. You'll learn one day that partying is not as fun as the more important things in life." 

(when I couldn't visit him for a football game because i had a marketing test the next day. He accidently burned his face with vodka/fire) 
"Well if you would have been here, that wouldn't have happened. I set up the grill and everything and told everybody you were coming, and you didn't show which not only embarrassed me but now my face is | please read |ing burnt to ****. Thanks a lot." 

(when I didn't visit him after that incident cause he was rude to me): 
" How was that marketing test julie? Was it worth it? Tell me, what did you | please read |ing learn in marketing class that is so much more important than coming to see me when my face is burnt off?" 

(when i wouldn't answer his phone calls, because he was being rude) 
" Julie, I'm driving home 2 hours drunk right now. I hope you know that if I run off the road it's your fault." 

(when we both ran into an ex boyfriend who I was civil to at the bars 
"Why did you talk to him?? You've been | please read |ing him haven't you?" 

NO-WIN SITUATION EXAMPLES: 
(I invited him to a wedding) 
(he kept hinting he'd rather go to a chiefs game) 
(.....3 times) 
(finally I let him go to the game because I knew he was excited for it) 
(he thanks me) 
(one week later, he goes to a wedding while I'm out of town and all but cheats on me and when I ask him what went on he goes:) 
"Well I was hurt that you de-invited me to your wedding last week. It just makes me wonder what your motives are." Even though HE hinted at it!!! 

(when I went to the lake with his family for 5 days, had to leave 2 days early for job orienation. On the way home I got stuck in a tornado and seriously almost died. He went toSLEEP before he even knew I got home, was mean for the whole rest of the 2 days he was there whne I talked to him). 
me: "Why are you being so distant is everything ok?" 
him: "Well I mean, I just don't get why you had to leave for that job thing. Couldn't that have waited? Seriously you left in the middle of my family trip. It just really upset me." 
(obviously I couldn't help the fact that I had to leave for my job and he knew that).. 


Ideas, anybody??? Help me out here. Sorry so long! Thanks! 

lydiabird lydiabird
22-25, F
12 Responses Sep 11, 2009

How are you doing now? <br />
<br />
This is passionfish, I wrote to you on your story early September. Since then threw my husband out (27 September 2009) after confronting him about an affair he was having with ladies of the night. He came back next day and beat up a girlfriend of mine in front of me and her daughter. We go to court on May 4th. He has not maintained his financial obligations - it is 6 months. The 10kgs I lost has turned into 20kgs. In divorce court, in maintenance court, in criminal court!<br />
<br />
Hope you left your abuser. The longer you wait - the tougher the struggle to be completely free!!! My battle still continues but if you have left him - good for you! If not, read more of my abuse stories and see if they are similar to yours. If they are not yet, they will eventually. I was with him for 11 years!!!!

I think this guy is using you completely to get specific needs met at the exact time and moment he wants them, and he senses he can control you by putting you down. He must know that guilt moves you into action.<br />
<br />
Stand up for yourself- whats the worst thing that could happen? <br />
<br />
He will probably get more and more escalated when you stand up for yourself, so I suggest breaking up with him and making sure you never have to see or be around him for a long time. <br />
<br />
Talk to a friend that you have with you. You need a person to talk to when he flips out on you to remind you that its abusive and that you dont deserve it.<br />
<br />
And girl- he doesnt deserve you and he knows it, so he will continue to get worse and worse in manipulating you to stay.<br />
<br />
Your ovbiously a nice girl who cares and this jerk doesnt have the sense or heart to know what to do with you. <br />
<br />
His loss- your future is much brighter and full of real love without this duchebag<br />
<br />
Good luck and best wishes.

I think this guy is using you completely to get specific needs met at the exact time and moment he wants them, and he senses he can control you by putting you down. He must know that guilt moves you into action.<br />
<br />
Stand up for yourself- whats the worst thing that could happen? <br />
<br />
He will probably get more and more escalated when you stand up for yourself, so I suggest breaking up with him and making sure you never have to see or be around him for a long time. <br />
<br />
Talk to a friend that you have with you. You need a person to talk to when he flips out on you to remind you that its abusive and that you dont deserve it.<br />
<br />
And girl- he doesnt deserve you and he knows it, so he will continue to get worse and worse in manipulating you to stay.<br />
<br />
Your ovbiously a nice girl who cares and this jerk doesnt have the sense or heart to know what to do with you. <br />
<br />
His loss- your future is much brighter and full of real love without this duchebag<br />
<br />
Good luck and best wishes.

I think this guy is using you completely to get specific needs met at the exact time and moment he wants them, and he senses he can control you by putting you down. He must know that guilt moves you into action.<br />
<br />
Stand up for yourself- whats the worst thing that could happen? <br />
<br />
He will probably get more and more escalated when you stand up for yourself, so I suggest breaking up with him and making sure you never have to see or be around him for a long time. <br />
<br />
Talk to a friend that you have with you. You need a person to talk to when he flips out on you to remind you that its abusive and that you dont deserve it.<br />
<br />
And girl- he doesnt deserve you and he knows it, so he will continue to get worse and worse in manipulating you to stay.<br />
<br />
Your ovbiously a nice girl who cares and this jerk doesnt have the sense or heart to know what to do with you. <br />
<br />
His loss- your future is much brighter and full of real love without this duchebag<br />
<br />
Good luck and best wishes.

He sounds like a NARCISSTIC person ... you might want to look it up....funny how we can see others issues but can't see our own...talking about me and my failed life....

sorry to hear what you are going through but my friend you have answered all your questions in your blog. you are. a safety net becaus you feel sorry for this man because he acts like a 3yr old boy who cant get his own way. it is emotional abuse what you are lacking is self esteem at this moment. the ball is in your court its time to pick yourself up feel good about yourself and only yourself at this time and things will improve. deep down mate you know he wont stop what he is dong. good luck

If you dont dump this child...<br />
Try standing up to him. Yur first mistake is exactly what you wrote...IM a nice person really too nice.<br />
Its time you acted like a b...h and make him wish he never met you. He will RUN.<br />
Men like this dont want a relationship, and that cheats you big time. He isnt worth the trouble. Just act like a ***** all the time and be a miss know it all. He will scram.<br />
<br />
I suggest that to all you ladies that have this problem.<br />
We create them...we can make them go away too.

Honestly, this guy has no respect for you. Not only that, but he has a Passive Aggressive personality, which means control and manipulation in the subtlest of forms. This type of person will only cause emotional wounds, my dear. In my opinion, you could not rid of him quickly enough. Sevor the contact and move on! You know, what is consumed in one's heart overflows from their lips. You deserve God's best!

I haven't had much experiance here, but I know peole who have. <br />
This is a problem. If someone says things like this to you, I don't think they're worth the hurt their causing. <br />
He doesn't deserve you.<br />
Stay positive. :)

I am married to someone like this. Was 11 years in August....that we know each other and married for 3 years now...it gets worse sweetie, get out now. Move, change your number......if he calls you at work, do not return his calls...when he pursues you in a stalking like manner, get a restraining order! It will never stop. Clearly you are a nice person and you don't wish him any harm, but trust me, the day will come when you would have had enough and then you will have no choice......my day is coming......I would like to leave with my life at this stage although he has only physically choked me once.......my fear is that I see red and end up hurting him and then my life is permanently jeopardised. I had a son coming into the marriage who is now turning 13, the emotional abuse has not been a safe way for him to grow up.....I am stuck here currently and hear from within your story that you are too......I have lost 10kg in the meantime - started saving secretly and begun renovations to prepare the house for sale under the guise of preparing it for guests.......here is the sick part....he knows I am preparing to leave him.....weekly he tortures me by discussing our relationship late at night and keeping me from falling asleep, with tantrums and declarations of his love......trust me.....I feel trapped, imprisoned, controlled and powerless......each day I contemplate my strategy and remind myself that the clock is ticking in my favour.....don't let this be you......there are some wonderful men out there who appreciate nice people and treat them with respect......cut yourself free.....if you need to talk, I am here......be strong.....he has worn down your self esteem, your self respect, your own goals and desires for yourself so much already....it is all part of his ingenious plan to keep you trapped.....you actually do not realise that you have the key to unlocking the door......really.......go before you waste anymore of your precious life......

ummmm.......seriously why are you with this guy????????.....move on, this is flat out ABUSE, IMMATURITY, PHSYCOLOGICAL, EMOTIONAL ABUSE.......no one has time for that. I've been there and done that..........get out!<br />
Sorry for being harsh, but like i said,..i wasted too many yrs on a guy like that.<br />
<br />
PIP

He is just popping off. Just BS. People who are in good relationships have an excitement/interest with each other where they enjoy exchanges of events and ideas.