Finally found a place to share my story with people with similar experiences without having to disclose it to the world.

It happened not long after I turned 18, the man who forced me was my step dad. I still remember every bit of details and every word he said. I don't like to use the word "rape" because it makes me feel very ashamed of myself, reminds me of how I was used, how humiliating it felt, and how worthless I am. He has always been abusive toward my mum and I, he’d slap her when she doesn’t listen to him.

Back then, I was a party animal, always liked to wear revealing clothes, go partying and get drunk. My mum would always tell me to dress more appropriately, especially at home, but I never cared to listen. My step dad would sometimes get angry at me for not listening to my mum, maybe because she complained to him and he got annoyed. He was also annoyed by the fact that I was always out partying, drinking, and staying out late. There had been several occasions where he had to pick me up past midnight because I was too drunk and had no way to get home. One night I got a bit drunk at a house party on a Friday night and he had to come pick me up again, he was very angry because he was already in bed, but I still gave him attitude just because I hate him.

The next morning I woke up in the afternoon, hung over. I went to have a shower and put on a tank top and a pair of clean undies as usual. I walked out to the living room, he was sitting on the couch watching TV, I asked where mum was, he said out with friends. I just turned around and started leaving, he said "stop right there", I asked "what do you want". He immediately got angry and stood up, walked toward me and said "don't ******* give me attitude, I'm sick of getting your drunk *** home all the time". I said "whatever" and turned around to walk back to my room. But he stopped me again and said "and how many times has your mum told you to put some clothes on, you looked like a *****". I got really pissed off and said "what the **** did you call me you mother ******?" He yelled at me "YOU you ******* ****, did you see yourself last night, you even dress like a **** at home". I got so pissed off and said "why do you even care, don’t act like you're so innocent, you don’t think I see you staring at me all the time?". He must’ve been guilty, he grabbed my hair and slapped my face really hard. I started crying, he said “I’ve had enough of you, if you like dressing like a **** I’ll show you what you deserves”. He dragged me by my hair and threw me onto the couch, ripped my clothes, undressed himself, forced my mouth open and forced his penis in my mouth. Then he forced himself inside me and finished on my face, also constantly slapped me in the face the whole time, I’ve never felt so humiliating in my life.

After he let me go I immediately grabbed my phone and wanted to tell my mum, but he took and phone and threw it on the ground, slapped me again and told me he’ll make my life miserable if I tell anyone. Then he pushed me back on the couch and took some photos of me naked, he said “if you ruin my life I’ll ruin your life”. He also made me pose as if I was willingly giving him a ******* and took photos, he said “now no one will ever believe you”. I just sat there and cry for like an hour, until he dragged me to the bathroom and told me to have a shower and pretend nothing happened. The last thing he said was “you’re my ***** now and you do as I say”. I feel so ashamed of myself and I just feel like a worthless toy that is used for his pleasure, without respect, humiliated. Everytime I have sex with a guy now just reminds me of my step dad, I feel like the guy is just using my body for his pleasure, I can't help but to feel humiliated when I give a ******* and have sex with someone.
Tiffanyxo95 Tiffanyxo95
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 15, 2014

Tiffanxo95, I UNDERSTAND everything that you are going through. I myself was a victim of rape, not in the same situation as you but similiar. I'm glad to read that you are able to open yourself up a little bit with a new guy, but it is still hard since memories and flashbacks happen. I wish you well and nothing but strength in your journey. I am here if you ever want to chat, I'm Gina, New Jersey/USA.
Glad to see that you joined EP, it's comforting to read other peoples struggles are the same, and that you are not alone.

Hi Gina, I just read your story, what you went through was 100 times worse than what I went through. Hope you and the new guy work out and you can move on.