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Neverending Pain!

Ever since the day i was born it has been one struggle after another.  Life has never given me a break.

It all started with my parents, my father the mad psychotic alcoholic, beatin my mother and my brother and i.  It wasn't the physical pain it was the mental confusion as to why it was happening.

My father comin into my room at night to tuck me into bed, stop please don't . . . . . It went on for some years.

My father would hug me so tightly i couldnt breath for about 15 mins at a time, telling me he how much he loved me.  I think this is some form of torture cos thats exactly what it felt like at the time.

My mother left him when i was 10 and moved us over to england where life was supposed to have been easier.  ha what a joke!

I was left babysittin my siblings while she went on bender after bender, then suddenly i had become the mother.  After two years we finally got a place to live after moving from place to place.  I still played the mother and cleaned the house an god forbid if i missed any part of the house i was in for a beating.  Ah well i am nothin after all just a worthless piece of crap.  So boyfriends came an went with my mother and one particular one came to live with us, an ex con but a brutal one in every sense of the matter .  Both physically and sexually and so history repeats itself. 

I finally got away at 18 and began my own life plagued by drink and drugs.  What a surprise.  Anyways i'm ok now i'm 31 and been through counsellor after counsellor and i just can't release the past.  My heart still hurts so much, but one thing i have got is two beautiful children who make me grateful for life and the beauty in it.

Thanks for reading my story.

 

Angeleyes777 Angeleyes777 31-35, F 8 Responses Jun 15, 2009

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I think that you are amazing and a beautiful spirit.

Angeleyes, your story is very moving and I know you are in a better place now. I would like to thank you for sharing your strength. Despite all you have been through, you are a warm and caring person and an inspiration to us!

I honestly believe that the strongest of us are tested the most...you have been through so much but it has brought you to where you are and one thing that is amazing about you and says so much about the wonderful heart and strength you have is that despite all of this you are still caring and you still open yourself to others...you have a wonderful heart and you havent allowed life to harden you.



(Hugs)

I KNOW

Thank you so much endlessgrief, i would really like to think that. I think you come to a point in life and think to yourself life cant possibly go on like this something has to give.

There is a kind of therapy where the therapist has you relive the emotion (mentally) and the event is as if it were happening again! Then, gently, the therapist asks you what day it is NOW and jolts you to the realization that past is past. Time after time, you repeat this, hopefully each time with less present feelilng of pain. Some things never go away but can be brought to a level so that you can reduce to a liveable level, the pain of the past. Ask around, maybe someone is using that style where you are.

Aww, How rewarding is motherhood, right?! It's good to hear that you triumphed over hurdle after hurdle. You seem to have had enough pain to go around a hole classroom of people, yet you were fortunate and strong enough to turn around and live yet another, fulfilling life. Parenthood adds such unbeatable quality to life I am happy for you that you see it that way too!

Thank you for sharing your story, You must be strong inside and a proud mom, because your rose above the pain and torture that you had to go through,