Stayed In Spite Of What My Gut Told Me

My boyfriend of less than a year was verbally abuse. When we met, I thought I met my match - he and I shared similar core values. He and I had both been through traumatic life experiences and have experienced abuse growing up. We both understood the pain that comes from growing up in those circumstances and try to be better people so we don't perpetuate those cycles of abuse. We both had experience in therapy. None of that was enough.

He was caring and kind at the beginning. My gut told me he had a certain criticalness that I was uncomfortable with, but I wanted to get to know him better. I got to know his humor pretty quickly - it catches you off guard. Sarcasm doesn't even capture his humor. His humor was frankly, hostile. To give you an example, for Valentine's day, he drew a picture of me with a gun. Often, his response to me sharing about myself would be minimizing and disregarding. He's called strangers, ******** and friends, stupid and ********. He was a self-proclaimed misanthrope.

I thought, as long as he wasn't calling me an ******* or stupid, what's the problem? I understand that people need to vent and no one is a saint. I noticed I was having to apologize a lot to him and that's a red flag for me. Then we started fighting. From the beginning, he would refuse to discuss in person, refusing to talk because to him, I cause drama. We would have texting fights that led to a escalating miscommunication and frustration. Most of our fights were in writing - I guess that way he can verbally annihilate me. He has called me a drama queen, abusive, a piece of ****, an *******, crazy, just to name a few. He blamed me, demanded I took responsibility for hurting him. I've been through enough therapy to know that I didn't like how he handled conflicts and there was something amiss about it.

We were breaking up every few weeks because of a fight. And then getting back together after me accepting self-blame and him convincing me we could fix our problems. I kept going back, thinking we could fix our problems. After all, we were both intelligent and socially-conscious individuals who didn't want to repeat patterns from our families.

The last time we broke up, a month went by before he reached out to win me back. I adamantly refused to give the relationship another try. As expected, the same patterns came up of him calling me names and saying mean things. In spite of everything he's said, I still think about him every day and want to go back to him. My self-blame and self-doubt kick in and I desperately want to believe he was different.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 13, 2013