27 Years Of Verbal Abuse

I am 58 years old and don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore because I am so sad or mad all the time. I have been married for 28 years to a man that I thought was so different from my past 2 marriages which were to 1 man that was physically abusive and 1 man that was much younger and decided after one year he didn't like marriage because he coudn't party all the time. My current husband when I first met him was so shy and seem to be very sweet but after 1 year of marriage turned into some kind of monster I didn't even recognize. I should have realized there was something wrong when he proposed to me because one of his friends was trying to talk to me one day when I was standing outside on the porch and he told his friend that we were engaged and he hadn't even ask me to marry him before that. Well the first year was pretty good but every now and then I detected a little jealousy when his friends or even male relatives would come around. The second year it seem like he really didn't want to do much of the things that we enjoyed doing together and he seem not to be in a good mood unless we were having sex all the time. Years past and I realized that there were more problems. We started having some financial problems and he had always been taking his what he called spending money out of his paycheck and it was getting hard to pay bills because of the money he was taking for himself so I ask him if he could take less so we could meet our monthly expenses and he said no! He said that life didn't mean anything if he couldnt have the money he wanted so we had more financial problems because of that. Things kept getting worse as time passed it went from his money hangups to saying if he didn't have to support me there wouldn't be any money problems. Well then a few years back ago from now I started going through menopause and of course I never stopped giving him sex but it was less than usual that is when everything really got horrible. All along he had been calling me names and everytime he was upset about something that didn't even have to do with me he would break things that he knew meant alot to me. Almost everywhere we would go he was constantly humiliating me in front of people. I tried to hide all this from my family like I did one time before in my first marriage and lately it just got too much for me to handle especially when now he had been telling me that he has no desire to touch me cause I dont appeal to him anymore and that he doesn't think he loves me anymore and he didn't start that until I got the courage to start standing up for myself. The more I stood up for myself and told him I couldnt take his anger problems anymore the worse things got. Even though this has been such a long drawn out story there were so many things that he has done that I havent even mentioned. I threatened to leave a few times and I always change my mind because I don't have enough money to support myself and now I have health problems that keep me from doing certain jobs so all I have is a part time one and can't support myself. My life is just existing from day to day wondering if he will ever come home in a good mood and not yell at me or pick a fight or yell so loud at me that I get scared thinking he might actually hit me but hasn't yet but locks himself in the bedroom and says that what's keeping him from doing anything to me cause he is so mad. I am just so insecure now and don't feel like I can ever have alife anymore I don't know what to do.
shearperfect shearperfect
56-60, F
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Shearperfect.

I see that the other's have posted, "Stop" that you cannon let this behavior continue. They are correct. To a point!

Since you mentioned that you are in fear "physically" harming you. Have an exit plan, put money $$ aside, keep some items at a friends's house, or rent a storage unit.

sounds like your husband is getting his "kicks" from keeping you off balance, you are guessing what his next move it going to be. Is he in a good mood or bad mood?

Freaks the crap out me. I live with the exact same situation. What I do not understand, and nobody has yet to enlighten me on ........"Why do these men/women treat us this way"? You are probably doing EVERYTHING you can to ensure his happiness at your own cost right?

Logically, a person would think if we are treating these partners with respect, love, and kindness, we would; thus, in turn receive back respect, love, and kindness. HUH?

Since, I know you mentioned about working only part time. How about subsided housing? Work with your local Women's Shelter. They truly are a great resource.

Keep us posted.

And maybe he won't like you if you stand up for yourself, tell him the anger has to stop. but do you even like him? Lets look logically, it doesn't sound like there is much to like, he is treating you badly. Again I know, I have been there, 17 yrs. we can talk if you'd like.

And you CAN have a life...part of how he keeps you where he does is the idea that YOU BELIEVE HIM! I have been there, 17 yrs married. And that is the crux of the issue, you believe him. So no not easy but you MUST have your own life.

STOP !

Regain your composure. Go to therapy. Learn what it means to " love yourself " Make changes in your life for the better.

LET GO..... of the past and start being the best person that you can be today !

I agree, it might not be easy advice but it istherightadvice!

Thank you ! : )