I didn't even know that my life wasn't normal. To me, it had become so normal. I was with my husband for 9 years. Things started out great, he was nice, seemed like he cared about me. Then, he gradually started yelling at me and calling me names. Always under the guise of I did something to not make him happy. I am a pleaser, I always thought I could just try harder and do better.

Then the physical abuse started. One time he choked me until I almost passed out. He would get so angry at me, after he screamed for awhile he would punch me in the arm. Always left bruises. Always had coworkers ask about them. Was always full of excuses. The physical part I would rather put up with rather than the verbal and emotional.

He called me every name I could imagine. Called me fat for so long, I have such a complex about it, I will never be ok. Called me ugly, trash, a b***h, a c**t, w***e. He controlled everything. He watched my finances like a hawk. If i would even go to lunch with friends, he would question me about it like i did something wrong. then he would always turn it around and say i don't know why you are getting so defensive. he watches how long it takes me to go to the grocery store and how much i spent. i have a panic attack sometimes the day i have to go to the grocery store now. he told me i am lazy, even though i work and do all of the housework.

The worst is not being able to have friends. i am very social, and i have been blessed with many friends. but, he makes me so uncomfortable about it, they aren't even worth seeing. i am always making excuses. he would travel for work, so he would check what time i got in from the alarm. and would accuse me of having an affair. i am not able to have male friends. even ones he knows, or any male friends close to my age. he starts in how i am having an affair. and he is going to tell everyone. i am not having an affair, it never had been the case. i dropped so many friends in my life. even if a girlfriend would text me at night, he would get so awful about it, "who is that" "why are the texting you" "It is too late for that" I still get anxiety about getting a text message now.

I could go on here for ages. I just filed for divorce and I move out next week. I left him everything, house, furniture, everything. I am just so desperate not to be afraid. My big ah-ha moment was when we were talking of having children. and he wanted to have me be a housewife. normally, that would make me happy, but i was so afraid of having to ask him for money it made me have a panic attack. I don't sleep anymore, i have all kinds of fears and worries now, how did this all happen to me?

Is there anyone that has experienced something like that? Any advice for me? I know I have a lot of healing to do, i just don't know where to start....
romancandle16 romancandle16
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

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