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Abuse

I share those feelings of not ever being good enough. When I was little I was abused and now I just got out of an abusive relationship with a man who abused and betrayed me. I am grateful to be out of it, but I am still trying to get on day by day with these feelings.

lucky26 lucky26 26-30, F 9 Responses May 18, 2009

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Lucky,
Be happy u have left the abuse behind you but it don't go away.seek therapy it helps..

I know how you feel im a single mom stuck in my parents home they are abusive verbally mentally gave me no self esteem for yrs and i feel your pain try to get away some how i cant no money and disabled cant work. :) good luck try to go out as often as possible.

Abuse can make us weak so that it becomes a vicious circle; abuse tends to lead to more abuse. That would certainly include a parent who bad mouths the other to their child; it's abuse by proxy.<br />
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If you don't want abuse, you have to work at breaking the cycle. Don't tell a date about your past abusive experiences until you have developed a close personal relationship and even then don't tell him too much about it. Usually it is better to know someone for at least a year before you tell about any past abuse in childhood or adult life. Many men who are abusive to women sniff out women who have tolerated it in the past because it is always easier to do what we've always done. It's easier to take charge of someone who has already been the victim of a bully and men who do this sort of thing find it easy to ditch any guilt feelings they might have if they know that a woman has taken it before. <br />
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One good book that is short and gives some great pointers: Take The Bully By The Horns by Sam Horn. It tells you how to talk to bullies, what to say and how to approach them.<br />
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Remember, abuse is abuse even if it is verbal, even if it is through a second party, or even if it is only threatened--a threat is one form of abuse. Don't put up with it. Make a plan and get away from the jerk.

I am new on here. Your profile was the first I added. I am in a place in my marriage where I am so torn about what I should do...primarily in regards to my seven year old daughter. My case is no where near as bad as some I am sure. But it is complicated...very complicated and that attribute is the part that is affecting my daughter. My husband puts me down to her when I am working and he is caring for her. He gets cross with her if she tells me about it. He will tell her that she is a "firestarter". He says things like..."mommy is so stupid" if he burns the bread bags that I left on top of the toaster oven when "he" uses the toaster...or says I moved out if I am five minutes longer getting home in rain. My daughter must be suffering inside..she expresses confusion. This is just the tip of it. What should I do?

I am new on here. Your profile was the first I added. I am in a place in my marriage where I am so torn about what I should do...primarily in regards to my seven year old daughter. My case is no where near as bad as some I am sure. But it is complicated...very complicated and that attribute is the part that is affecting my daughter. My husband puts me down to her when I am working and he is caring for her. He gets cross with her if she tells me about it. He will tell her that she is a "firestarter". He says things like..."mommy is so stupid" if he burns the bread bags that I left on top of the toaster oven when "he" uses the toaster...or says I moved out if I am five minutes longer getting home in rain. My daughter must be suffering inside..she expresses confusion. This is just the tip of it. What should I do?

I grew up as the youngest child and had an alchoholic father who would go off on tirades and swat me, my sister, and brother. As we grew, they turned out to be successful despite the enviroment we grew up in. This however lead to my father holding up my shortcomings against their success and more or less imprinting on me the feeling that I was worthless as far as he was concerned. This culminated in his physically assaulting me when I was in my forties when I suffered a catastrophic financial reversal after being out on my own for years. I might have knocked him on his *** had he not been in failing health. In any case I did not speak to him or my mother for nearly a year, which my siblings claim quickened his death. Don't get me wrong, there were many things about my Dad that I loved, but were lost because of his love for the bottle and his failure to see I could not be a carbon copy of my wiz kid brother.

The long-term effects of verbal abuse can be as devastating as any other form of abuse. I was raised on it. When I finally got away from it and out on my own, I discovered that I actually expected it from people, and did not know how to protect myself from it. One day, on the phone, in the middle of listening to someone's tirade, I said quietly, "I am not going to sit here and listen to your abuse," and hung up the phone. Big turning point. Now, I cut it short as soon as it starts (and there is always someone who wants to start!) Here is something that works for me: Posture - standing tall. Head level, gaze direct. Ask, "Is there something you want from me?" When they start in again, interrupt. "If there is something you want from me, you will speak to me with courtesy and respect. Otherwise, I have no reason to listen to you." Hold their gaze, and if they start in again, walk calmly away. Works for me, hope it works for you. Congratulations on drawing the line!

Good response. I would also add that if the person who is being abusive is in a position of authority, you might try saying, "I will talk to you when you are calmer and can express yourself better." Then leave. This worked with a boss I hae who was a genuine bully.

one step at a time

Good for you!