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Want Out!

I've been married 10 years to a verbally abusive man. It sucks. I have 2 kids and don't want this for them. I am scared to leave for so mnay reasons, all of them excuses really. I hate the way he screams and yells, calls me names and one he gets it off his chest his fine and I'm a wreck. I would never hurt myself but would'nt be opposed to something happening to me. God forbid that too, because my kids. He has turned his anger on my 8 year old daughter. She says he doesn't scare her and I don't know if its true. I can't help but not to believe her. The other day he grbbed her by the arms and pushed her onto the couch. I have to believe she was terrified, I know how I feel when he gets in my face. It's not goo that's for sure. I don't want her growing up and marrying some one like her father and I will be damned if my son will be like him. I have tried in my mind to straighten this out and can't figure out why I'm still here. Partly because my father left me at a young age and I grew up to have no self-esteem and have always been stupid in relationships with men.  I just can't take it anymore. Problem is of course I don't work have no money and 2 small kids to support. Any one else out there? 

chadanna chadanna 41-45, F 12 Responses Jun 2, 2009

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I feel the same way. It's so easy to say you're gonna leave but so difficult to actually do

Chadnna,
You need to get out.... there will always be excuses to stop u but if u really are serious just go somewhere safe and call human services they have many resources.

It's too bad that their no help anywhere!

I am a new member and you are so not alone Im in the same mess for 13 years now 3 kids and dont work eather and im verbaly abused by my husband. Scared to be alone but want to be on my own and live my own life the way I want when ever I want. Im so use to this life style and I thats what holds me here. But am dying to get out. I just recently started talking to people about it family mainly my Aunt. Now I worry I have said to much If he finds out that will be it will it be good or bad? Their is a lot to 13 years and just dont know where to start to get free. Im scared to.

You need to get your own bank account and start saving to leave this stressful situation that is going to kill you with all the stress.... You mentioned a heart problem which can not be good and after all that you still can't see its time for you to leave. I would take a really deep look at your life, as you only have one to live.

No law that I know of mandated that I had to return with my kids. The issue was, was I left the state. Eventually I would have had to come back and get a judges permission to leave to state or he could have had me ordered back so I took the least dangerous way. It would have been inevitable. Oh you better believe I will stick to my guns. I'm all done with thisstuff. I am ok for now because he is getting help and taking medication. He is a completly different person. Too good to b true. I know its just a matter of time till he reverts. I hate living with the stress of not knowing when it will happen. Until then I am takingadvantage of his good nature.

What law mandated you return because of your kids? Where I live, you can go to a shelter, file for divorce from bed and board due to his behavior, and file for immediate sole custody of the children, with him allowed only supervised visitation.<br />
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Stick to your promise about calling the police if it happens again.

I stopped fight with him years ago. Strangely enough I just walked away 3 weeks ago and was never comin back. But law said i have to because of my kids. So-after 2 weks I'm back but it was awesom to be away from him. Now he's getting therapy and taking medication. He claims to know hw has problems. But, I'm with you. I don't believe people change much. You are who you are. I came back because I had to, but I told him he makes oe wong move and I call th police and he is OUT! Thanks!

Maybe he cannot change@ Maybe he has a personality disorder which means he will always be the same. What will the long term effect be on you and your children. Fight back - not physically or verbally but with your feet - WALK AWAY. You can always walk back if he can genuinely change but I am not convinced that is possible if he has some underlying behavioural issues. Good luck

Thanks. I know ther is no more I can do. I have tried evrything over the years. It has to be him now. I don't think that will happen. It hasn't yet. I don't have an intrest to try anymore. I was diagnosed with a heart problem last week and am pretty sure it was stress related. I have done enough. My kids are all that matter.

Hi Chadanna<br />
He needs someone else to talk to him. He certainly needs talking to. He needs to listen too. He needs to take on board what you say and to change his behavior. If this does not happen you need to leave him. It will not be easy but will not be impossible either. You will not be the first to do so in your circumstances. You are telling your story on ep to hear what I am saying. You are brave and know your mind. Continue on this road. You are doing well. Talk anytime. Well done and best wishes.<br />
:)

I have talk a million times. In fact we talk about almost everyday. I glad for you that you are so optimistic, but I have learned that a leopard doesn't change its spots. We just got back together last July after being separated because of his job for 18 months. I had it out with him, you know the usual I'll leave if this doesn't stop ect.. He's a great actor. He even kept it up for 6 or 7 months after I believed his change. I even made him go for counseling, so I really fell for his "recovery". He's back in full force. I know what I want to do, my kids are my world. When he settles down after an outburst he sucks up and I give in. I guess because its easier to stay than have to go out there and take a chance. I know its crazy but I wonder if they realize what they are doing. He has made me feel so bad that I just believe what he says. Maybe he IS right, I'm weak, I don't listen, I do what I want anyway, I don't respect him and the list goes for miles.

thats what i was always told..i didnt respect his rules or him.. that i was too stupid to even understand what he was saying...that it was all about me and he was only reacting to my horrible dumb behavior...im so confused right now because if you hear something enough you start to wonder if its really you thats messed up or if hes the nut case...its a nightmere..im so sorry for you i so understand