I Was Verbally Abused Last Night By My "boyfriend"

I put boyfriend in quotes because what kind of bf would do that to someone he loved? He was at a concert I didn't want to go to. He called me and chewed me out for being passive aggressive. Called me every name in the book. I think he was doing this because he was having a bad time there. I told him I wasn't going to take his crap, I'm not going to have this fight with him now. He called me a wuss. I hung up on him. He proceeded to send me nasty text messages. He said "You suck, **** you, I'm going off to flirt with other women now, Toodles!" Then he has the nads to call and ask if I'd come pick him up. I said, "ha, you think I'm gonna pick you up? After you've just made me feel like a worthless piece of crap? No way!" And after I said no, more vicious texts. He called me a b****. He called me a c***. He called me stupid and simple minded. I go to sleep feeling sick.

Today I feel awful. I need to leave him. He says he feels hurt, too. That is such crap. He is the perpetrator. I hate him. He says he wants to make me feel better, and don't I want to make him feel better, too? How manipulative! If I say "no, why would I want to make you feel better, you're the one that caused this!" he's just going to get angry again and the cycle will repeat! I don't know how to get out of this. We live togther and have a third roommate. He's awful. Help.

Thank you for reading.

xo

Mary

MarySimonsen MarySimonsen
36-40, F
5 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Sorry, it took so long to respond again. I agree with JanIam. Seek legal counselling and do whatever necessary to get him out. I am hoping the best for you. Let us know what happens if you wish. <br />
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Best Wishes! Mel

Thanks, JanIAm, you do raise interesting legal questions, I hadn't thought about it from that angle. I do belong to a large women's network in LA and I know there are lawyers and women who have been through lot in the group. I think, if I had to, I could get some serious power behind me. You know, that feels really good. Thanks again for bringing up that point. Also, I looked at your profile and noticed your awesome taste in music. I'm a composer/arranger but before this I played in lots of bands and toured and my tastes skew eclectic. (I should save this for that group). Feeling empowered today. <br />
I can do this.

As someone who has been there -- I put up with an entire year of verbal abuse from an ex-boyfriend who treated me and everyone close to me like absolute crap -- I urge you to get this man out of your life as soon as possible. Your previous respondent is absolutely right: "Moving from verbal to physical or sexual abuse isn't that far of a move and there is always the potential for that while you are living together." Unless you feel that the relatiosnhip is worth salvaging by seeking counseling, you should act decisively to end this abusive arrangement now. The guy obviously has a lot of anger and frustration in his life but making you the scapegoat for whatever is wrong for him solves nothing. <br />
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Meanwhile, make sure that whatever you do won't result in any legal repercussions (in some states a person acquires "squatters rights" after six months in a living arrangement even if they aren't on a lease); maybe a paralegal can advise you on his rights as a tenant in your home. I think that you're probably right that he will leave willingly but you might want to be aware of any possible repercussions. In any event, the main thing is to get him out of there so you can start rebuilding your self-esteem. Life is challenging enough without having someone who makes you feel "awful" in your life.<br />
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Best of luck to you ...

Thanks, Mel. The problem is, I own the house, so I have to kick him out. That will be more difficult, but I think I can do it, we haven't been together all that long and he doesn't have many belongings. I know he will blame me- he'll say he wouldn't get so angry if I didn't (bla bla bla) or if I wasn't such a (bla bla bla) but that hardly matters now. I know he is not rational. I seldom hear stories of abusers changing. Am I just sheltered or is this the case?

There's no excuse for his behavior. I would find any way possible to move out as quickly as possible and then cut all ties with him. It might seem difficult, but in the end it will be better for you. Moving from verbal to physical or sexual abuse isn't that far of a move and there is always the potential for that while you are living together. <br />
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Find someone who will truly respect, care and love you. <br />
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Best Wishes! Mel