Still a Virgin

I was a staunch believer that one should keep their virginty intact, till one marries. As marriage was the correct way to channel one's sexuality as it gave security. When I was with Raaul, he convinced me otherwise; I was so impressionable and naive. I can't forgive myself for giving into his demands so many times. Fortunately, we could never have sex (I was always too tense, and kept saying to raaul I will go straight to hell, -fornication it always managed to put a damper on his mood).

I guess it's most ironic that my nickname is "nymphomaniac" and that one of my experiences is "I want to have sex"; it's about my foolish behaviour and the dire consequences I had to endure.

I come from a moderately muslim family, my family lets me wear what I want, they dont "force" me to pray 5 times a day and always tell of the importance of graduating top at university. But whenever convenient they would play the "religious card" to condone me e.g. "you will go to hell, because you had a boyfriend" "If your husband were to find out you had a bf, he will hate you, and possibly divorce you".

My parents are arranging me to marry a surgeon (he wants to be a plastic surgeon), a decent guy, but a total prude and amazingly boring. He and his family articulated to me and and my family that they choose me because of my "looks", "good family" and "academic excellence". (Our family is so over-rated in the community, because dad is a doctor, brother a Chartered Accountant and mom is a "trophy wife") Almost everyday my mom reminds me of how imperitive it is that in order for me to secure my "future" (marry him), elevate my family's status and "redeem" myself from past trangressions. I must personify all that is "good", in other words act like a total prude, pretentious and act superior than others.

I am forbidden to have "male friends" even at university (as this may jeopordise my arranged marriage to the "surgeon" who is 7 years older than me!) and I barely know him, I feel like I am on "show" when our families "mingle" (they only come to observe me and find fault).

I always believed that the person you will make love to for the first time, should absolutely transcend every other experience and emotion you ever felt towards another person.. it must be amazing to feel such intense love, trust and attraction to another person that you let them be inside of you.

But I have to extinguish all such "foolish" thoughts, after all it's all over-rated right (just a lot of pushing and prodding). All I should worry about, is that I "bleed" on the sheets so the mother-in-law and "my-future-husband" can inspect that I am a virgin. --suddenly it all sounds so clinical.

umathena umathena
18-21, F
4 Responses Apr 2, 2007

refuse him if you donot love him

Wow, I don't know what to say. If you don't want to marry him, can't you just refuse?

I agree with emerald. I know STATISTICALLY that arranged marriages often have fewer divorces, but is that because of love and compatability or the fear of disappointing your family, your religion and your culture. I hope no matter what happens you find happiness, and I feel blessed to know you as you have educated me in ways that you may never understand. Thank you!!

Your story is a prime example that no matter how much we like to believe as humans we have free spirit and free will, there are just some things we can manage to be " bondaged to"! My heart goes out to you! There is no proper advise to this kind of situation. And I don't feel it's proper to add my predictions on this matter either. You have enough on your plate to cope with! Just know we're hear to listen (errr read) as you need us!