What Ever, I'm Trying To Get Hit By A Car Anyways.

Tonights just one of those nights that I feel a whirlpool of different thoughts, emotions, and other things. Recently, it seems like everyone I know is hooking up. I...... I guess I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I've finally killed off the last few bits of myself I had left. Not like if people give a **** anyways. I don't even know why I'm writing this.
So far, I haven't ever had sex. I try to tell myself it's something to be proud of, but I feel so lonely. I was reading another story on here, some girl who's gotten bitter towards relationships. I'd have to say, living everyday makes me more bitter. I'm like a ticking time bomb, it's only a matter of time before I snap or something.
I used to go out with girls, I used to dream about being some sort of hero to the girl I love. If I ever had the chance, I'd appreciate her every second, I'd be a real man for her in the hard times, even if I knew it'd cost me everything, I'd want to be her best friend, family to her, and be the best father and husband I could be. But, this is nothing but pure Idealism. The world has no space for Idealists.
I've gotten bitter towards people. Like a snarling dog that has been prodded, and grown to be aggressive. I don't think a girl is capable of caring these days.  I'm just tired. Tired of being left out, tired of not being loved, tired of so many things. I wished that I was loved back, I wish I wasn't bitter, I want to be a better person, but nothing ever adds up to anything. I wonder if I'll ever be heard. I wonder if anything will be, at best, ok. ...........I don't know what more to write.

 
stutteraprose stutteraprose
18-21, M
2 Responses May 8, 2012

I'm a 22 year old virgin who spent the last 3 years of her life trying to make a relationship work with someone who wasn't on the same page, I know exactly how you feel. Being alone, having that feeling that things are never going to change and you'll never find someone to share your life with are things we all worry about in some way or another. Please don't ruin yourself with those thoughts, live life and when you least expect it she'll be there, the right one for you, someone who wants all the things you do. When all my friends are going out with their partners and I see couples everywhere I get this hopeless sinking feeling but I know it will pass; deep down I'm certain there is a fantastic someone out there waiting for me, one day we'll cross paths and things will fall into place.

there are more than you think! The number of romance loving women who would appreciate a man like you are increasing by the days :) .... plus i've been and currently semi-way is in the state you are describing, and honestly a lot of the frustration, anger, vulnerability etc that you are going through is just your suppressed sexual hormones acting out in a different way... i never used to believe it, but honestly, sex is like a free happy drug, not that i'm saying have casual sex or multiple sex partners, i'm just trynna let you know it'll end, you just need to start really thinking about what you want and where you can compromise and really go for it everyday, flirt more, be more outgoing u might hit the jackpot and find your girl/lady;) beats dwelling in this state of "whyyyyyyyy !??" you are in at the moment, don't you think ? :p