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Out Of Place.

I'm 30 now, and am starting to feel especially pathetic about this. Being in the midst of the people that I am in the midst of on a daily basis does not help at all. I almost feel as though it's my "dirty little secret" now. Like if it were exposed, I could never show my face again. Almost as though I'd be banished or exiled. I realize that this is quite a bit extreme, but that is how strongly I feel about this now. Watching The 40 Year Old Virgin made me laugh at first, now I think they could've just used my name in the title. Maybe I should go bike shopping today...
disconsolate disconsolate 31-35, M 4 Responses Jun 27, 2012

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I am producing a documentary series about virginity. Any virgins out there that would like to speak out and maybe also get help finding the right mate or learn more about intimacy, please contact me julie (at) workaholictv (dot) com

I understand. I'm now in my mid-thirties and still haven't actually done it. Most people probably don't think that I'm a virgin because I'm not shy, I'm called cute (not sexy or gorgeous or anything, but cute), and I've got a decent personality. I'm just painfully traditional. At first, I was waiting for marriage because I honestly thought I was going to marry my college boyfriend. And he was ok waiting because we didn't think we'd ever have THAT long to wait and neither one of us was willing to derail our career plans d/t unplanned pregnancy (which I am still convinced would have happened). So, we waited. And then I made the mistake of breaking up with him just to take a breather. But pride and circumstance prevented us from ever getting back together. After that, I was still young enough to get away with being a virgin. I mean, it sorta was like my "thing" and all the guys I dated after that were cool with it since we all grew up with old-fashioned values. No doubt they would have jumped me the minute I gave them the chance, but I always had good luck dating decent men who accepted and cherished my virginity. Then I got engaged, and disengaged, and I was just traumatized. It took me some time to heal from that, I started dating like crazy, no one ever made an impression, and before I knew it the years passed. Then I had a family situation that required all my time and focus for a couple years. After that ordeal was over, I dated someone I knew would never mean more to me than some fun, so I thought he'd be a good candidate to just "get it over with." But when it came down to the moment, all I could think was that I didn't love him and I literally kicked him off of me. You'd think that he'd have called it quits then but poor guy still tried. I just couldn't trust him for certain reasons, and that spoiled what is supposed to be an intimate act. Now I'm stuck in this quandry. Do I continue with my traditional values despite no longer wanting marriage, or do I just start sleeping around? Nowadays, it seems no one waits anymore. I'm starting to think that no sane person would want to date a woman without getting some. I can't say I regret not having sex before, because I really think it would have messed me up in some very important ways, but on the other hand I do regret not doing it with that beautiful boy I so loved in college, and then the one I was willing to marry. I never thought that the 40 Year Old Virgin would be me.

I think I understand where you're coming from. It would seem that we've both had some of the same experiences with this. Very similar. Just change the guys to girls, and voila. I too have been in a demanding family situation in recent years. But, I'm still in mine. I don't even try to begin relationships anymore. I get sick of having to explain so much stuff. Don't get me wrong, I understand that there is a learning process to any relationship as people get to know each other. It just seems that my circumstances require excessive amounts of this from my end. Some people just can't seem to understand that I can't always be free to just do whatever, whenever. Sorry, I'm rambling. So, I'll just say thank you all for your comments!

Yup, I'm in the same boat about not being free all the time. I describe my situation as a divorced mother who has never been married nor given birth. LOL! That's pretty accurate.

SO if I may ask, how do you hide your "dirty little secret" as you phrased it? At work years, some people found out about mine and it was a juicy bit of gossip. Now, only my close friends at work know and I think the others think that surely by now I'd have came to my senses. But those others are sorta dodgy people anyway so I don't much value their opinion. But I just hate that what used to make me special now makes me a freak. I hate it having to be a big freaking conversation when I start dating someone. It makes me so that I just don't want to date anymore.

I was thirty five or thirty six when I had sex with someone else. I had to go to an actual sex website to get any attention. I never got responses from the dating websites, never got picked up at a bar. So, I've had sex but have never been in a relationship. Which is worse?



Now I'm back to having neither sex nor a relationship.

I'd guess the relationship part is worse. But that may only be because I'm so needy.

Are you noticeably unattractive or just shy?

Well, I've always been hard on my looks. I don't know if I can give an unbiased answer to that. I don't think I'm hideous or anything... I just feel that I could stand some improvement. Shy... I used to exhibit epic levels of shyness. I got an advertising job that literally forced me to break out of that, but I still find myself having the tendency to be shy sometimes. Not often, though. Sorry for the rambling, I'm weird about details.

i like details. If i don't want details i wouldn't have asked. There's nothing shameful about being a virgin. It is natural that you'd feel out of place. A non-smoker feels out of place amongst a group of smokers. There's nothing wrong with him though. But why are you still a virgin? Abstinence or...?

At first I suppose it was abstinence. And not just wanting to do it with just anyone. Then after I learned about STDs, it turned into fear. Then more fear as I got older because I was afraid that I wouldn't do it right or well, or I wasn't properly um... "equipped"... And after so many years of this, I just stopped caring. But I still get bouts of uncontrollable loneliness from time to time.

Believe you me when i say that sex does NOT equate to any measure of a quenched sense of loneliness. Even more so, knowing that you've done it but it has resulted in nothing. Hold onto the hope that you still have the chance to make it incredibly special when the time comes to do it. Also if you feel lonely again, talk to me okay? :)

I didn't think it did. But I suppose that I've been conditioned to automatically associate it with romantic relationships as a base part of them. It's true that environment plays a large role in one's views. But that can always change. And thank you for the offer, I'll do that.

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