34-year-old Female Virgin.

So I'll be 35 in March. Because of my anxiety issues, I've only hung out (I made it clear it was just as friends) with a few guys over the years. I'm not your typical girl; no make-up, no fancy clothes, tomboy, etc. So when a guy actually took notice of me, he was in it for the obvious reason: sex. I won't get into how I know, but let's just say there were signs, expressions and "I have to use it before it falls off" things that summed it up.

So a few years ago I met someone online. He lives in another state. He came to visit the other summer. I made sure he got tested since he's had previous partners. He's coming to visit this summer. I would LIKE to be intimate with him. We've been together for 3 years this February. I know that might not seem like a lot since we've only spent 2 months together, but we talk online (on the phone and text) every day. We really hit it off and I honestly never thought I'd meet someone as weird as I am, so he's just perfect to me.

I don't attend church, but I consider myself pretty religious. (Please don't say how I shouldn't follow an old book like the Bible or that you don't believe God even exists.) Ideally I've always wanted to wait until I got married before I had sex. I see so many people who have casual sex and have no problem with it, but that's not for me. I also see people saying you HAVE to have sex with someone before you even think about marrying them because if the sex is bad, the marriage won't be very good. I disagree because I don't think sex is something that you should base your relationship or marriage on. Maybe the sex is amazing but the relationship sucks, so then you've got no chance of a future with the person.

I'm getting older. I missed out on a LOT of things when I was younger. I wanna settle down and be with the person I feel is right for me forever. But I'm also afraid that things won't work out (no matter how much he says he can't stand to think of us not together), and then I'll be left feeling guilty that I didn't wait to have sex. I mean, what if there's a chance I meet someone else who's perfect for me and I can't give them the "gift" (don't laugh) of my virginity. I know it sounds really stupid, but it's a huge deal to me. But I'm also afraid he says he's fine with it and after a while he won't be. He wouldn't pressure me into anything, but I still feel like I owe it to him to get closer and to be intimate with him. And I DO want to. I'm just really torn.

I think I've more than proven that I have self-restraint and am not at all easily persuaded by peer pressure or anything. I'm 34 and still a virgin so I did pretty well considering I did have several offers to have sex already. I can't say I was ever attracted enough to any of the guys to accept, though. But I had met a girl that was amazing and I had the chance to be with her when my bf and I had broken up (around the start of our relationship, and he realized it was a huge mistake leaving me, so I guess I'm glad that happened). As much as I wanted to, I didn't feel right about it and had strong hope we'd get back together so I didn't wanna risk losing my virginity to anyone else.

So yeah. I'm being really divided here. Stick to my childhood plan of waiting until after marriage, or ceasing the moment while I can because anything could happen tomorrow and I could miss out on the chance to be intimate with the person I really love. I don't really wanna die a virgin, and don't really wanna wait til I'm in my 40s to start having sex (he's a bit younger so not in a rush to get married or anything). On one hand I have a guilty feeling that God would think I was acting on desire and lust but on the other hand I feel like waiting 34 years shows I'm not just looking for a cheap thrill or greedy pleasure. I really do wanna share this with my bf because I feel he's my soul-mate (not to sound naive) and I wanna be closer to him. For the first time in my life, my anxiety isn't taking the front seat because I feel so comfortable around him (if you knew me, you'd know how rare that is because I don't even feel comfy hugging family) and I take that as a good sign.

Any thoughts?

PS - My bf is female-to-male transgender so there's no chance of me getting pregnant, just in case that's an issue on anyone's mind. And yes, I'm sure people will say why am I so concerned with what God will think of me having sex before marriage when He's most likely gonna frown on me for being in such a relationship; but please just focus on the main point, if you can.
OckGal OckGal
36-40, F
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

I've tried the long-distance relationship and I just can't put my head around the idea of being intimate with the person. Although it was only 3 months the idea of being intimate was really confusing to me...

go and have sex ....

You will be damned if you do and damned if you don't , and i don't mean this in any religious way.
You are suffering now , with the endless waiting. You can have sex now and regret that too.
You can find the one and hope it turns into marriage, but that one ,may still end up wasting your time and marriage doesn't happen.
The marriage will allow you to have sex, but the marriage can still end in disaster.
You can then end up back where you started , except you will have had sex.
You will then no longer be a virgin, but you are again looking for a life partner.
You have to do what makes you happy , not what makes others happy, or worry about being judged when it's all over.

I think you should wait as much as possible. I can understand exactly your religious standpoint, mine is much the same. But then I an 9 years younger, I can understand the feeling of urgency as time passes- its part frustration part fear of losing this connection n never finding it again. If it helps, I recently almost lost my mind and jumped a guy (that I truly love, mind you) but the whole marriage issue was driving me insane because this is one guy that I simply cannot marry. I managed to avoid a huge regret with this frame of mind : god wants me to save my body for my husband, the one who is perfect for me. Until I marry the guy I can't be sure he's the one god intends. I am Muslim n in our book it says our body is not ours, and that on the day of judgement our hands will speak for what we made them do. If you choose to interpret it literally the gist is clear, my body is not mine to offer. And I know God will reward those who try to uphold his word, especially when so few do. But then, god is forgiving. Do try your best to wait it out, especially if he is being patient. And I agree, talk it out with him, so he knows its spirit holding you back, not that you don't love or desire him or mistrust him.