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I Hate My Life

I never thought it would come to this. A general lack of career opportunities, lack of interest from the opposite sex, my living situation (relatives falling ill and counting on me to help them) have brought me to where I am today: 35, underpaid, and unloved. Never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin (NOT by choice, obviously). I wish I could find fulfillment and happiness from doing other things, but I simply can't. I just don't know what it is that I have to do for people (especially women) to find me even remotely appealing. Alas, I have been cursed: struggled with my weight all my life, premature balding, finding it difficult to hold a conversation for long periods of time (which IS a requirement for anyone to be interested in having a relationship with you ... right?), lack of a male role model in my life since my parents divorced when I was young (I did travel roughly six hours back and forth every other weekend for years to see my father starting when I was 12) ... and, yeah, I'm ugly, or so I've been told. My depression makes it so that I have tremendous difficulty cracking jokes or displaying a sense of humor. I have tried to put myself out there, but I think other people pick up on my social weaknesses, and they can tell how much I am hurting inside even though I try not to reveal it. I just had some girl who I honestly thought really cared about me take advantage of me big time ... I never told her how bad things have been in my life, but she must have somehow picked up on it and completely used me. We used to work together, and she couldn't have been more sweet toward me back then. Since she left, she became a completely different person ... nothing like the person that I thought I knew. I helped her out numerous times, and she never reciprocated. Now she has vanished and hasn't returned my last call/text. I thought our interactions were decent and she actually was my friend, maybe even something more (she hinted at it a little bit as well), but I feel completely abused and as if my trust was violated. Some people make fun of me because I don't adorn my walls or anything else with pictures of women, and actually prefer dogs to them. Even my own uncle ribs me and calls me "gay" because of this. Plain and simple, it's because dogs give unconditional love, and every woman I have come into contact with (some at college being the only exceptions) has been either mean or manipulative. I seek companionship in the worst way, but I am hurting and can't handle any more pain. Sometimes I really don't think life is worth living any more. I really don't think things are going to get better, even if I keep trying. The title of this story says it all. I think the few good women in this world are all taken, and I just have to accept being alone for the rest of my life.
forestlaw77 forestlaw77 31-35, M 4 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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I have been called ugly by some men, too, but everyone has a different idea of what ugly and beauty is, right? Some think that Julia Roberts isn't pretty... I think I look just fine, and it's OK that some men think I am, and some don't. Who is right? The ones that care about me. I believe there is someone for everyone, it's just very hard to find that person. I hope that spending some time with this girl is boosting your confidence, and that that will help you with the next girl, if this girl doesn't end up with you.

Hope you can get some help for your depression! I think you might have some luck on dating sites, especially if you write about yourself as well as you seem to be able to do. You can post a picture that was taken from a bit of a distance, and there are some good free sites. And writing about yourself is different, but I have a feeling you could do that, and it would turn out well. Humor is almost always a good thing to use on a dating site...but write it out in a draft in your emails, and sleep on it, and read it again the next day before you post it. I wish you lots of luck in your search!

Thanks for the reply. As time has gone on, I have found this girl to be more and more of a user than anything. Now that she has her own car, I can't help but notice that we've been in contact ... well, hardly at all. Every time we have talked, our contact has been pretty limited, and we never even got into the subject of her new wheels, what she's been up to - things like that. But you're correct that at least it's some experience to draw on for the future, and hopefully I'll meet someone willing to give me a chance. That's what I'm nervous about: this girl & I were around each other because we were co-workers, but other people I meet outside of the office may not be patient with me.

I'm able to hide my depression pretty well from my few close friends. But it comes out in front of my family, and I wish I didn't have to put them through this. I may start taking something, but I'm nervous about the side effects. Ultimately, it all comes down to not feeling loved or appreciated, and right now, working at a job where I feel undervalued. If I'm able to make any sort of improvement on those fronts, I know it will turn things around and I'll be content. If I do the online dating thing, I know I'll have to post a picture ... it's just that my phone takes blurry ones, and if I have someone else do it I know they'll lose patience because we'll keep going until I can take 1 or 2 that I'm satisfied with. I'm able to occasionally use some humor in certain contexts ... I'm at Q&A quite a bit trying to work on it. Hopefully it can translate to when I actually give this whole dating thing a shot. Thanks for the encouraging words - much appreciated!

Okay first: someone told you you're ulgy!? That's so mean! and secondly: That woman in your life seems like a user, and you don't need that kind of leech in your life. You sound depressed, and I would seek help for that if I were you. And, in all actuality, some women like a 'project' as horrible as that sounds. They want a man who they can fix up, and heal him. So, you're not entirely out of luck there, but I would still work on that. Also, as sad as it is, in today's world appearances are important. So, keeping clean, well trimmed, and healthy could boost your appearance a lot and do wonders in attracting the ladies. Also, when talking with females I know it can be difficult but just try to relax and be yourself. I myself struggle with this particular aspect. Perhaps you should look up self help tapes and listen to them? I don't think they're all bull ****. xD

Maybe one of these days I'll find a woman like that? Would be nice, but so far it's not happening, and I don't know how to make it happen. I used to have a tape around (think it was Robert Schuller), but must have lost it somewhere. But yeah - definitely have to focus on positive thinking and looking as good as possible. Hey, whether we admit it or not, that's ultimately the first thing that crosses our minds.

I appreciate the response, AstronautFarmer. I'm taking some of those things under consideration and will think about applying them to my own life. One thing I will absolutely NOT do is pay for sex - at least not yet. Not that I'm opposed to the concept (personally, I'm of the mind that it should be legal), but it's more of a pride thing than anything else. As if you couldn't tell, my self esteem is very low and I would think even less of myself if I ever stooped to that.

Anyway, there is a continuation to this story that I started above. I actually spent a lot of time with the girl that I discussed previously over the past week. We chatted pretty much every day since last weekend and met up several times (today being the one day that I chose to hold back - if there's one thing I know about women, it's not good to come off as desperate: ignore them and they'll keep coming back). She actually initiated the conversation the vast majority of times. Now, I've had some reservations about this girl for a while: she did time in prison (for a nonviolent crime) prior to us meeting for the first time. However, we clicked socially and talked frequently outside of the office as soon as we exchanged numbers. Granted, a lot of the time it feels like she's using me (she doesn't drive, and most of our meetings involve us going somewhere for her to complete an errand or going out to dinner where I wind up treating), but she tells me that she enjoys my company and has been very affectionate as of late. This culminated in my decision to ask her to go out on Valentine's Day (I did not call it a date). We went out to dinner, ran a couple of errands (of course), and drove around. Overall, we were out for roughly three and a half hours without any real lulls in the conversation (unless you count a couple of times where she took/made calls or turned on the radio in the car). At the end, I gave her a card and some flowers and decided to ask her if she had interest in becoming a couple. She seemed genuinely surprised, even blushing a little, telling me she never knew I felt that way, but that she needed some time to think it over. See, she has this person in prison that she's been friends with for a long time, and they decided after he gets out that they were going to start a relationship. Now, he's not getting out until well into 2014, and I suppose he's more her type: he's African-American, and she's a Caucasian who has really never dated someone of her own race up to this point. She's big into urban music, while I'm more of an college rock fan (though I listen to nearly everything). We did meet up on Friday, and reiterated that she is still thinking it over. For my part, I'm not trying to do anything to really win her over: I'm just leaving it as "you know both of us, so find out for yourself which one you'll be better off with". I'm preparing myself for the worst in this situation, but if she says no and chooses this inmate over me, I really don't know how I'm going to take it. If there's anything positive to take away from this, it's that I stepped out of my comfort zone for the first time in a while and feel like I really did connect with someone who I am VERY different from. We'll see where this goes, but based on how she talks about the guy and how she didn't take my picture when we were out (I took hers, and I was dressed very nicely), I don't expect to get the answer I'm looking for.

Wow man, that's pretty rough, no doubt about it. I can relate in a couple of ways, I also had no male role model growing up because my parents divorced when I was young. I see my father occasionally but to this day we've never talked about girls. Nobody ever told me about "the birds and the bees" so to speak, except health class but yea, that just teaches you the mechanics of it, not any of the social stuff.



My life has felt pretty rough up until now but I've been turning it around lately thanks to a couple of things I've realized, which I'll share in the hopes that maybe this will help you as well.



First of all, growing up I always had trouble dealing with people. My family picked up on this, and just assumed there was something wrong with me. So that's how I grew up, thinking that I have difficulty in social situations because there's something wrong with me that everyone else can see but me. And I would always worry when starting a new relationship (of any kind) that they would pick up on this and get weirded out and stop hanging out with me. What I realized lately is that this is complete BS. There's nothing wrong with me, and putting that ceiling on oneself is what really causes the bad social interactions. Something else might have caused it in the first place, but that train of thought is what kept it that way.



That girl you talked didn't "somehow" picked up on your social weaknesses, they're not "obvious" to other people and not to you. One of two things happened there, either you displayed hesitancy of some sort, in which case the answer is to be more aware of your actions (because if others can see it you can see it too, because you're normal), or she's just a jerk, in which case there's nothing you can do about that - move on.



Second, everything you do, and even everything you don't do is a choice. No one is forcing you to be a virgin. Sorry if this sounds vulgar, but you DO have the option of paying for sex if it's that important to you. You might say "I don't want to lose my virginity by paying for it," you might feel ashamed that paying for sex is the only way you could lose your virginity, but ultimately you're weighing two things and deciding that one is worth more to you than the other. And power to you for making that decision, whatever it is.



Anything and everything you do is a choice, most of us go around feeling like we do things because we're supposed to, because we "have to," but it's not true. You make choices every day, even getting up out of bed is a choice. And then ask yourself "are the choices I make making me happy? What can I choose differently to increase my happiness?"



I hope this helps in some way. You're not going to read this and wake up tomorrow and feel terribly better about your situation. You're not going to get out of depression next week because your inner monologue has changed slightly when you get out of bed, but one day you're going to have a successful social interaction, something small, and it'll tell you that you're on the right track. From there you just keep on keepin on. Good luck buddy.