Somewhere Along the Line, I Just Didn't...

The story behind this is not really all that interesting.  It's just a short story about a lack of desire cobbled together with an inability to properly cope with rejection, and bad habit of pointlessly trapping myself.

Girls were certainly on my radar from the end of primary school onward, but this fledging interest was fairly unfocused, and it had no real point. It was just interest, without a purpose. Things didn't really change in highschool, in that I was inexplicably and uncontrollable drawn towards certain girls, but it was still really not driven by anything inherently sexual.

The first girl that I developed a secret crush on in highschool somehow found out that I liked her (given that I hadn't told anyone, presumably this was just because infatuated teenagers are pretty obvious, and obliviously obvious), and then made a semi-public declaration of how much of an awful thing this was for her.

Shifting state and going to a  highly competitive all-boy school without any female contact certainly didn't encourage any growth in this area, and somehow within the first few weeks of college, I had managed to fall for and be roundly rejected in a pattern not dissimiliar to highschool (although at least this time I revealed my affection intentionally, albeit very inarticulately).

Then I found myself in a curious parade of spending all my time cloistered away. First with a start-up rock group where noone could actually play anything, then desperately trying to make up for lost time on my actual degree, and finally through a series of close friendships which were all actually a case of unrequited infatuation for someone who was unavailable because they were already in a relationship. That said, there was never any actual desire behind these infatuations. I just wanted to be with them, but not in the sexual sense.

Hardly rivetting stuff, but the psychological pattern is clear. In fact, I would have suspected that I was asexual, except for the fact that I found some small pleasures in ***********. Also, I had no real homosexual leanings either, beyond mentally exploring the idea and finding it not my thing.

Environment certainly explains a bit - a loveless and apparently sexless marriage between parents, a group of very conservative friends who had done all their exploration whilst I was busy failing to learn to play guitar.

But then I met someone, someone who set not only my heart alight, but suddenly there was desire too. Of course, she was not interested.

And then, so it turns out, here I am. It's funny how you can just be not doing something for so long, and get to a point where the issue builds and builds until it is some great big secret and debilitating shame. It's not like there was ever a *point* to my sexual inexperience. It just turned out that way.

In practical matters, sex, and virginity is really not such a big deal, of course. The basic act, once done is done. There's a first time for everything. And if one is ever really desperate to get that out of the way with, there are certainly ways of arranging for it to happen without any emotional involvement with the other person.

But all the same, it remains an exagerated issue in my mind, and when combined with being a bit neurotic and overly analytical, as well as not really being particularly masculine in any other sense, it's not surprising, I guess. It all adds up to a very large feeling of inadequacy.

Hopefully posting this will get rid of some of that exageratedness - secrets kept too long just fester and fester.

Interestingly, I have no actual want to de-virginise myself at the moment. But it still weighs on my mind, because I feel there is nothing compensate for it - I am a virgin in pretty much all areas of my life, but am no longer very young.
TheTardyDodo TheTardyDodo
31-35, M
11 Responses Jun 10, 2007

This is such a relief to know I am not alone in being a virgin. I'm 34 and I still don't know how I got here without falling in love and sharing love in a sexual way. I unfortunately do have a desire for sex but it is terrifiying to think of getting naked physically and emotionally with someone. I have never felt safe enough with a man to even think he would want to have sex with me. It seems whenever someone seems interested in me he either makes me feel ill at ease or he doesn't turn me on. It's so frustrating! Part of me just wants to get it over with, but I know it's too important to do that. I also was raised in a strict Christian home so I have that haning over my head. I am a good girl, everybody thinks I'm so sweet and innocent and many of them don't think of me in "that" way. I try to find pleasure from the nature around me, good music and travel but I'm still missing that special connection. You would think that these desires would fade with the years but I think my biological clock is ticking faster than ever!

I admire all of you for sharing this here. I haven't known any social pressure as intense as the one that surrounds virginity. I stayed a virgin longer than all my friends and it really worked on me every day.<br />
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I also know what it's like to have a private truth about your sexuality - I was in the closet about loving women for years.

Sex is overrated. It is an act, not an emotion. I would gladly trade sex for a deep meaningful loving conversation seasoned with tender kisses. Than an all out knock em dead sexual romp.

Then I figured out dating was *not* about looks, which hurt even more.

I can relate to the rejection and people looking at me like I have leprosy. At one point I thought there must be sometihng grotesquely wrong with my appearance that I can't see.

Like most people that commented, I feel mostly the same. I have always been a very shy person and not really interested in a relationship with anyone. I have always just kind of liked to be by myself and if it wasn't for the social pressures I would still be happy that way. It’s hard to look for someone when you have little self esteem, a drop of self worth, lack of social skills, and no real desire. That and when ever I let people in all they usually do is betray me or hurt me in some way.

I think it is wonderful.... your choice and when the time is right it will be beautiful.

I ditto the resonation of reading your story. I'm 26 and just have never... never really felt it when the opportunity presented itself, never really felt like anyone should be in that position with me. Just never. I don't consider myself a prude. I've had pleasurable experiences but just have never. The frustration just builds but allevation just never seems within reach.

This really resonated with me. (It's funny how you can just be not doing something for so long, and get to a point where the issue builds and builds until it is some great big secret and debilitating shame.) I'm a 38 year old woman who has a similar experience. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I am try to understand it better. It was helpful to hear this experience from a man's perspective.

I am a virgin for about the same reasons. Whenever I was in love with someone the desire to get sexual with them... well it never was that big and so I stayed a virgin. No I have a great girlfriend and I do have the desire, but I get scared when I'm too close to her and she doesn't have such a strong desire and so ... it never happened... I think that's okay... wouldn't do it just because of the society's pressure that these days all people lose their virginity at 14 or even younger...

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, in my opinion. It's something that people throw away too easily nowadays and even I sometimes regret losing my virginity, regardless of the fact that it was with the man I am still with and plan to marry. Regardless of the reasons, you have a part of yourself that has never been taken from you by another human being... and that seems like a precious thing to me.