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I Had a Child Without Giving Up My Virginity

Although I'm not opposed to sex before marriage, I do not want to have sex with anyone with whom I do not feel a deep connection and commitment. I didn't date in high school and barely dated in college and I found it harder and harder to date as I got older, so I focused on my career and traveled and generally had a pretty great life. But I wanted kids, so in my late '20s I joined a dating service.

I dated some nice guys, but realized I was really only looking for someone to give me a child, so I stopped dating. I started the adoption process. After a couple of years and a lot of road bumps I started to seriously consider having a child on my own. I was worried about whether I could handle the emotions of being pregnant and giving birth without a partner to share it all with and support me. I knew I would be sad about that part of my dream not being fulfilled. But I also knew I wanted the physical experience of pregnancy and birth. I have my whole life to get married, but a limited time to have a child. With the support of many friends, I decided to do it.

So, at 35 I got pregnant from an anonymous ***** donor and am the proud mother of a beautiful little boy.

Having this experience has been sexually validating in a way that I did not expect. I feel like conceiving my child was an ultimate act of the love I feel for myself.

I still hope that I will meet a man and form that deep and commited relationship I have been looking for. I'm glad I did not compromise my virginity to become a mother. And I'm grateful I didn't have to miss out on motherhood.

virginmother virginmother 41-45, F 38 Responses Jun 15, 2007

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I feel like this makes you very responsible and grounded in a way. Just the fact you were 35 when you had your child says that. I'll bet you're a fantastic mum! X3

Hi, I'm working on a wonderful project about couples who haven't done IT yet, for whatever reason. We're working with the best relationship therapists in the country. Please message me for more details.

Repent and ask jesus for forgiveness. He will help you. Go to church and tell your sin to the priest. Ask guidance. May God help you!

Some of the comments were just absurd and stupid. Clearly, you can tell from what she has written that she has so much love to give to her child and to any man who's willing to share a life with her. Some of us may not have scored around that much like the experts on here. But that doesn't make anyone incapable of being a role model or a loving parent. C'mon, it's 2014. Seriously.

To the people who feel "sorry" for the child since when does being a virgin mean people cannot have a child? Does simply having sex mean's that someone's better than someone else as a potential mother? No. I seen some truly horrid mothers who have conceived a child (or shall I say 6) the normal way and I would love nothing more than them to be forcibly and permanently sterilized. <br />
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The idea that all people who have never been in a relationship are bad parents is just vindictive thoughts coming from people who feel they're superior for having a partner. For all you people who think like that please find a cave and go back from where you came. <br />
Thanks

Check some studies from family research council and you will see that you are wrong. What i hate is that the father is a lustful ***** donor and the mother has antisocial behaviour. May God help the mother and forgive her sin. All bad behaviour and lust of the father is transmited to the kid...

You're one of two things. A troll or a vile cretin of a human. I would be more inclined to call you an animal but even pigs have more humanity.

What does studies have to do with anything? Who says a child can't be raised by one parent?
The father gave his ***** to help people who can't have babies, have them for whatever problem lies behind it.

Have you forgotten that in the bible God got a VIRGIN pregnant. Would anyone then view God as a lustful man? No. He practically gave his ***** to bore a son for Earth. What the biological father of the child did is the SAME as what God has done. Please think it through before you give your opinions out online.

A life without love is no life at all.

I do feel for you having love for your son but you need real compassionate love in your life. The love you feel for your son is unconditional love.
But it's better to have (compassionate) loved and lost then to never love at all.

My my... I do not know what to say... It is so different... Should I hate or admire you.... hm.... Anyway, be sure to teach your kid to be virtuous, just, faithful, honest, strong, inspiring, altruistic and teach him to believe in Himself. Teach him to be a real man and don't let your mother love overcome justice. You must be his father too now, so be a strong woman, and remember that you are educating a human being, not a pet!

Good luck and don't screw it up!

Where did you learn how to parent ? Parenting is not easy so please don't fake it. It's not an exam that you can cheat and get a passing grade.

Dear virginmother,

It was inspiring and thought-provoking to read your story. It was a refreshing new lens to see the world with, reading what you wrote and what other people wrote in response to it. Thank you very much for sharing your story and opening my eyes a little bit, to another uncommon perspective.

I would use the word "empowering" or the phrase "feminine empowerment" to describe this story.

*thumbs up*

Are you another stupid feminist?

Your story is absolutely beautiful. God bless you both!

The virgin Mary...

Hi there.... I am not Christian, I am actually Pagan which is generally a set of reliegions that enjoy and explore sexuality. I am not a virgin either, and I find nothing wrong with having sex before marriage, when LOVE is there. Unfortunatelly all the times I have had sex LOVE was never there, but only lust. Which I did not like, enjoy or feel proud about. I am 32 going 33, alone and lonely, with no Mr. Right on my side and getting a little bit in a panic about not seeing my life move on the way I would like it to. (get married, live hapily in some forest and have lots of kids ). The happy family profile I have been viewing in every single american TV series is not there for me, and I fear the right man -or any man at all- will not get there in time. <br />
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I really want a man on my side and a child, but as you say, marriage can wait, motherhood cannot. <br />
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Thank you for your post, thank you for inspiring me and thank you for your strength. I feel that I should settle myself financially and profetionaly and probably move on the way you have. <br />
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Adoption sounds like a great choice but probably involves a lot of red tape. As you mentioned having the experience of pregnancy and birth is so important as well. <br />
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Although I would LOVE to have a man by my side to attend painless labour classes and so on. <br />
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Thank you for sharing your strength. All the best for the both of you!

That is a very beautiful story.

Very very nice story, exactly how I feel! However, I don't think I'm that strong and brave as you to do such thing, plus, I'm still young and kind of hard for me to determine what I really want, but I can pretty much relate to what you are saying!

that's amazingly brave.. props

Thats totally awesome, your so awesome!!!!!!!

Hi I'm Mezniquee Mattis &amp; I'm so sorry what happen to you. There is still time to gain back power within it all. I'm the host of vir?gin sex 101 after dark on blog talk raido &amp; you can catch up with me at bvippresentsdotcom.com check them out you always have a safe home there.

I don't know how to say this polity so... there's more women then men on this planet 1 to 6 ratio i believe at the moment? so 5 out of 6 of you women are going to die alone. <br />
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Really, I believe most women think life is going to be a fairytale and there waiting for that knight in shining armor to come and whisk them away to a perfect life. In reality life is much, much harder then that. <br />
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Really i believe just finding someone who shares some of your interests. That you genuinely like to be around and that makes you smile when you see them is enough. to quote a friend "She's my tag team partner in life" (yes that's a wrestling euphemism) effectively what i look for in a women, but have yet to find. Most American women are shallow and selfish. That care to much about material ob<x>jects, not that i don't like to provide and buy things for them but those are the wrong things to hold dear.<br />
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Be happy with the Small things in life, like my mother would say " There is 100 hard ships for every 1 happy moment, But that one happy moment makes up for 1000 hard ships."

I do not think this is glorious but tragic. Depriving a child of a family and a biological father is harmful . To completely treat it like no big deal is worse.

A mother and child IS a family.

who said the child has been deprived of a family? she could have a whole extended family who are involved with her child, for all we know.
i do think a father is very important though - i didn't have one growing up, &amp; i feel like perhaps i missed out on something. that, &amp; i have made some pretty bad decisions in the guys i choose to date, which i suspect may be as a result of that...my brother also isn't all that masculine, which i think may also be a result.

but, other than that, i think we turned out pretty darn awesome. fathers are very important...but not necessarily essential. &amp; i think that could even go the other way around - as long as a child has a parent-figure who loves them unconditionally, another isn't essential. however, it's probably ideal.

..."compromise your virginity"? compromise the fact that you have never experienced sex - arguably the best physical pleasure you could ever experience in your ENTIRE LIIIIFFFEEE. wtf?

She already said, she wants to be deeply committed to a man before she goes there with him. It does not feel the same if there is no love between them.

no, i agree - sex should be something special. i don't really know what i was thinking when i typed that...sounds very stupid now that i re-read it.
it IS arguably the best physical pleasure you could experience, but i feel that it should also be an activity you only reserve for someone you really care about. in a world where sexuality is so glorified &amp; harnessed as a tool to sell products &amp; treated like just any other activity, i find that personally, it is important for me to try &amp; keep it special.

It's okay. I'm glad you agree; society glorifies sex and abuses people's desire for it way too much, and it is much better to keep it a special thing for someone you really care about (and eventually want to marry).

thoroughly agree.

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I'm very happy for you. I wish I had held out. I compromised and lost my virginity because I thought I had to. Believe me its not worth it. i wish you the best when it does happen and all the best to your little one.

I think there is a LOT of misunderstanding out there about the word "Virginity." <br />
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A virgin is a woman with an in tact hymen. I would assume that hymen was ripped to shreds at some point. I don't know if it was done by the doctor or if it was done in the delivery room but I would be willing to bet cash money that it was done. <br />
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In the case of the Virgin Mary, she was said to be a virgin even AFTER the child was born. Ancient texts record that the midwife said "She has done a thing her nature does not admit." when she saw that her hymen was still in tact. <br />
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If I am wrong I would like to meet your son. :p

Actually, I can't believe you started that statement with the word actually.

Who says? I can show you my references. Can you do anything other than link to another web site where someone as uninformed as you are is sitting there stating what they believe as if it were fact with no basis?

Virginity is a verifiable characteristic. I can't blame you for being ignorant since movies like the 40 year old virgin say something else but that is NOT what the word means. You should NOT get your definitions from pop culture or Wikipedia on this one.

It is also something that most people do not understand. When women say they are virgins guys expect certain things. I have dealt with this in one way or another my whole life with girls advertising this thing that isn't true.

If you broke your hymen some other way just say so.

You are kind of funny... just to prove you wrong... I looked it up... the dictionary gives two clear definitions that relate to this...
1. A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse.
2. A chaste or unmarried woman; a maiden.

Other definitions?
1. a person, especially a woman, who has never had sexual intercourse
Noun 1. Virgin - a person who has never had sex
Virginity refers to the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse.
To some, a virgin is someone who hasn't had sexual intercourse. To others, a virgin is a person who has not engaged in any intimate acts. Still others may allow certain intimacies while excluding other sex acts. Some people believe they are a virgin until they have sex with someone of the opposite sex, while many believe that people who exclusively have same-sex partners can and do lose their virginity. Finally, some believe that people who have been sexually assaulted, but have not had consensual sex, are still virgins.

Don't you see how ridiculous that is? You are quoting a book written about how people use the word virgin. The word is commonly misused and misunderstood in contemporary writings. Even in the definition the dictionary is pointing to the fact that the definition is in dispute. I don't deny that people use the word in many incorrect ways and misunderstand it in every way the dictionary says they do, but does their ignorance effect the actual definition?

...um, no it's not :S who told you that?
some young girls tear their hymens when they are being physical &amp; doing things like gymnastics &amp; ballet, &amp; some never even have one to begin with.

that's a very ignorant comment to make.

lol ignorant... What is ignorant is to think that saying someone "is not a virgin" is the same as calling them a dirty name or deriding them in some way.

The dictionary is the official source of word definitions. You can't expect everyone to adhere to a definition of the word virgin that's not in the dictionary. It'd be like me deciding, "a mammal is a cat," and then getting mad at people who use the word mammal to mean other animals than a cat.

That is a nice theory but when you get into areas like law and philosophy you find higher authorities of the definition of a word. If you google the definition of rape for instance it says "The crime, committed by a man, of forcing another person to have sexual intercourse with him, esp. by the threat or use of violence." So according to this a woman can't commit rape. Definitions are not authoritative. Only a simple minded fool would accept dictionary definitions at face value.

The problem with that is that there are moral judgements being made here. You are missing the point of changing the meaning. When you wrap your morality inside a definition and then insert that new definition into a word.

Where as, I am saying the word has no moral context it is simply a physical characteristic that can be used in defining moral contexts.

The word has not accepted it. That is not even something that a word can do. Society has accepted it without challenge. I will not be held hostage by the laziness of society. I challenge the new definition and where it came from. Why is it important to redefine? Who benefits?

Have you ever heard a woman who was raped say that her virginity was stolen? (The word rape literally means 'to take') I would argue that if a thing is stolen then the owner no longer has it with them. I would also argue that you do not blame a victim for crimes perpetrated against them.

This is important because the only reason to redefine the word is because of the Victorian ideals on sex that our society holds. If you allow the redefinition you lose an opportunity to challenge the Victorian ideals that are so restrictive.

The Philosopher's creed is question everything. This should be questioned. Why change the definition? By the way a philosopher does not try to justify a change but find the true reason for a change. Seek the truth.

blehtolife was the best example of someone thinking that saying someone is not a virgin was tantamount to calling them a ****. My whole point is that should not be the attitude. I know a lot of girls who lost if in other ways. (Often Rape) They should not be looked down on because they aren't virgins and that is what your definition leads to.

...huh? wtf?! how did my comment even SUGGEST that?
i was saying that the hymen has nothing to do with virginity - a virgin is just someone who hasn't had sex before. that's it.

Why is that your definition?

why, are you suggesting that a young girl who tore her hymen when she was younger just by playing sports isn't a virgin?
do you have a dictionary handy? look it up.

******* stupid little *******. I have looked it up within this thread!!! The common definition: a person, esp a woman, who has never had sexual intercourse, is not correct. Virginity is proof that you have not had sexual intercourse but that does not make you a virgin. It's like saying because my cat is black all cats are black. Just because one person who hasn't had sex is a virgin that doesn't mean all of them are.

Below is a good point. If that is the definition and rape does not remove the status then it would not be anything unusual to see a virgin birth. Also from the definition why is a virgin "Especially a woman"?

Do you realize this misconception is of the same ilk as the idea that all sex outside of marriage is adultery or that sex is evil? How many men could rape the same virgin? Is she a virgin if she has been raped by 100 men?

a man typically doesn't have a hymen...so how could a man ever be a virgin? - if he hasn't had sex before. same goes for women.

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I dont want kids but for those that do It seems to make sense. My friend is a 34 year old virgin and dying to have kids. I told her to go to a ***** bank if she does not meet anyone in the next few years. I happy happy for you. I would have done it the traditional way but good for you.

Did you ever think guys might not believe you're a virgin with a baby. It kinda sounds like a virgin mary/jesus story.

I'm a 54 year old virgin who wishes like mad that I could have had the experience of becoming pregnant. I would gladly have become a surrogate mother so I could have a pregnancy without having to have sex with someone with whom I didn't feel a connection. I still long for pregnancy but as my reproductive system begins its long slow shutdown, I am afraid that I have missed my chance to become pregnant. it's been my llfelong desire to experience pregnancy, to fell my belly swelling with each passing week, to feel my breasts becoming heavy with lactation, but I guess it was never meant to be. So I remain a virgin who hasn't gotten to experience sex OR pregnancy. I have also longed to experience sex but until I find the right person to lose my virginity with, I guess that, too, will remain a lifelong mystery. I'd just love to experience an ****** and the joy of sex with someone with whom you feel a deep and true connection.

Virginity is overrated. Sex is perhaps the most beautiful, satisfying, natural, and wonderful experiences you can ever have. You say you are waiting for a deep connection, but sometimes you don't realize how deep a connection you have with someone until you have sex with them. By remaining a virgin, you are missing out on one of the best parts of life.

Why on earth would you go on a pro-virgin website and say virginity is overrated? We get it--a lot of people like sex. Committed sex, casual sex, different types of sex. We are just people who've chosen to abstain from sex, at least for now. So far, life has been incredibly fulfilling for most of us.

Couldn't have said it better myself, LarkSongstress.

That is something I am certainly considering.

Hi there,<br />
<br />
My name is Lindsey and I am outreaching for an educational series on The Learning Channel that explores love, sex, and intimacy. We are currently seeking a participant who would be willing to share their story about how virginity has played an important role in their life. We are hoping to feature a participant or couple who are in their 30s or 40s and can give insight into the rewards and challenges of their decision to be celibate.<br />
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If you have had a related life experience, I would love to hear from you! Please feel free to email me anytime at lsavino(at)sirensmedia.com.<br />
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Thank you so much for your consideration! <br />
<br />
Lindsey Savino

I wonder what Dr. Phil, or many others would say. <br />
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I'm glad you did not miss out on mother hood and having kids. It changes your life and takes you down a whole new path. The mental virginity I can see but feel its misleading. I'm sorry to disagree on that. <br />
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I know it will be very special for you and whish you the best when it does happen. Yes he should feel honored and special.

For a moment I thought you were the VIRGIN MARY LOL