I'm a Virgin, Waiting For... What?

I'm 21 years old. Since I was 17 I have been in sexual relationships, but I have never gone all the way. It just seems like such a big step. When I was younger I think I was waiting for marriage, but I don't know what I am waiting for now... I am in a serious relationship, and my boyfriend has had sex with 2 of his past girlfriends. I feel like if I wasn't a virgin we would be having sex already, but since I am, I just want to hold on to it for as long as I can. Thankfully he is a decent guy and doesn't pressure me, but he knows I want it, I am just not ready. I think that I'm trying to wait long enough that I'm sure I won't regret it. What frustrates me is that all the advice online about when to have sex is for teenagers. Advice for a 13 year old who wants to have sex with her boyfriend is not really relavent to me. And I know that no one can tell me when I should or shouldn't, I just wish that someone had some insight to share. Part of me just wants to show up one day with some sexy underwear, condoms, and the twilight dvd, but the rest of me is like, no no no. I know I will enjoy it, I know that he loves me and I love him, but I just don't know how I will feel afterwards and that is what scares me.


It has been 11 months since I wrote this. I'm still with my boyfriend, we still haven't had sex. Still pondering.


Almost a year and a half later, we finally did it! I'm really glad I waited until I did, because I was really sure and felt good about my decision. It wasn't planned at all, we came home from IHOP on a tuesday night, were making out like usual, and he jokingly pulled out a condom and I didn't put it away, and we just went for it. We were both pretty nervous but it was still great. So now I am 22 and not a virgin. :--)

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2 Responses Feb 18, 2009

I have a few words from a young man's perspective.<br />
I was a virgin until I was twenty, due mostly to institutions and absence of females, and not to personal convictions.<br />
Nevertheless, I had the same fears that I'm sure any virgin does, but I was much less experienced than you, not to mention a man.<br />
I know that many girls share your viewpoint, that the first time should be special, and I know that is very important to a girl. If it is causing you great agony however, maybe you should take a few things into consideration.<br />
The first is that nothing is perfect, and once you have sex for the first time, it probably won't be the last. It may not be the most special either. I know I'm a guy, but let me tell you, my first time was anything but a memorable experience. Since then, I met someone and began a relationship with her, and I was certainly not her first either. Between us, the sex is extremely good, and there are many times when it's special. We don't take it too seriously, and although we are always very safe, we constantly talk to each other about what we like and as a result we stay very attracted to each other. I couldn't be more happy with the girl I have.<br />
If you plan to stay a virgin until marriage, that is a different situation, and I think that there is certainly nothing wrong with that. I think if anything, it may be better in the long run, but not for the reason that your first time will be more special.<br />
There are a lot of things in my life that I could regret; I've done a lot of things less than perfectly. I've achieved things, had moments that I thought would be perfect but turned out to be a disappointment, or even if they were what I expected, they were fleeting. What I treasure most in my life are not those fleeting moments or even the lasting memories they've created, but the day to day, the relationships that are constant, with my family, with my girlfriend. Those are the things I treasure.<br />
It sounds like you're happy with your boyfriend too. He's not putting any pressure on you, even though it seems like you feel it a little bit. I say you take it from there, no pressure, think about what you feel like doing, and do it.

Sex is a huge risk. A leap of faith. It does change things. There's a whole new level of intimacy that can be as scary as it is exciting. It sounds like you are holding out for the time when you know you will feel good about it later. Even if you love someone, there's no gaurantee. It helps you to know this guy respects you and that you have mutual desire for sex. If you are confident that he cares about you and your experience, that info can also weight your decision. I was 39 when I lost my virginity. It was a wonderful experience. We both wanted it and I was more than ready. But that wasn't enough. Honestly, I did not love him and he did not love me. I don't consider it a mistake, but we broke up soon after and the rejection was intensified because we had had sex. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.