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31 Year Old Virgin

I am a virgin.      barely anyone knows.   when those few that do know found out, they were shocked beyond belief.

At this stage of my life, I'm considered to be a very good looking guy, almost a headturner in a way.  my sense of style is really good now.   my body has been described to me as ridiculously sexy.  just recently, this absolutely gorgeous sexy married woman has begged me over and over again to have sex with her and constantly tells me every little detail of what she wants to do to me.  the type of women who I now draw interest from are gorgeous.   My job is extremely "prestigious", along with my hobbies, and people say that on paper alone, I am a "chickmagnet".  I am smart, funny, very considerate, loyal, have very strong morals (at the moment), and pretty much always end up being liked and trusted....    oh, and no I don't have an incredibly small penis (it's normal at 6').  and no I don't have a sexual orientation identity crisis

Confused?  Yeah, me too.  But to help, it all started like this.

I grew up in a household ruled by the emotions of my mother.   she was pretty much emotionally tortured by her parents who riddled her with guilt trips all her life.  how does she ensure she is not guilty of anything as a mother?  she guilt tripped me from birth to when I left home.  and constantly yelled at me and projected her fears of me not being good enough.  daily.  actually, hourly.  this isn't to bash my mother because I love her in spite of everything, b/c fundamentally she is a very loving person, but is ruled by fear and guilt, and thus has had no choice but to exert all her actions towards me through fear and guilt.   it took me a while to accept this because I love her and it's difficult to blame her.

I had vicious childhood acne.  kids would crowd around me at about age 14-15 and marvel at it., lots of pus, sometimes huge cysts.   for years, I would give anything to be able to make a facial expression without pain.  once, because of smiling or making a face, this zit close to my lip popped on it's own because it was under so much pressure.  needless to say, not much self esteem reinforcement from girls in my younger years.  this persisted into my mid 20s and left me with acne scars that are visible, but I have learned many tricks to make them less visible, and now, although they are noticeable by me, apparently they aren't a big deal to people.   When I look back at the crazy acne that I had, I'm lucky that I didn't have way more scars than I have now.  Still, I had so much jealousy and bitterness that grew and grew over the years, which mainly centred abound my perceived ugliness... even when I stopped being "ugly".

Most importantly....   I'm not sure if this is a chicken or the egg phenomenon, but my personality is described by Avoidant Personality Disorder.  This link describes what I have been feeling TO A "T" for the first 28 years of my life.  I think this is crucial reading for anyone who is an adult male virgin (a virgin not by choice) because this is often the personality disorder that goes hand in hand with it.

http://ivy_league0.tripod.com/rhyme_of_the_ancient_wanderer/id45.html

it's a good read into the mind of someone who lives an irrational psychological horror story every day.

So, basically, I have wrestled with stupidly low self-image (to the point of yelling at myself in the mirror out of hate).  Around girls, for the most of my life, I would religiously avoid eye contact.  a few bold girls even made moves on me over the course of my life, and I even liked some of them, and my automatic uncontrollable thought processes and actions would ensure that I failed with them.  the lack of confidence and the tremendous self-hate was just so apparent.  I would literally pour sweat when talking to a girl I liked, along with blush like crazy.   I was so self conscious that I've never even come close to having sex.

at about age 28, I hit a severe rock bottom.  I actually didn't even have the insight that I had such low self esteem, but some cool materials really brought these issues to my attention.  I put in a lot of work in this area, so I could finally have some control over my life, and so that I could be better for others, a force of positive change in the world.

Things got better.  and better.   and better.   I literally am the ultimate late bloomer.  my looks started to improve (that's all luck of course), I developed a sense of style (I avoided style before because I felt I didn't deserve to spend any money on myself), I started working out every single day (I was always muscular, but kind of chubby, so now I've been told my physique is drool worthy... by drool worthy women!!), I study about 10x harder!, I'm a better musician, a better friend, brother, son.  I have more and more control over all my jealously, feelings of ridiculous depression and inadequacy, and bitterness.  Almost through sheer willpower I seem to keep all that bad mental crap away and force myself daily to try to love life and the people I care about, and generally try to be a giver instead of a taker.  I am no longer intimidated by women like I used to be.... I've even had a girlfriend a few years ago (which I never thought possible), and I've learned to ask out a few women I knew recently, and although this was a HUGE accomplishment for me, due to my lingering psychological habits and tremendous inexperience, these women smelt low self-esteem real fast.

I've probably left out some details.... which doesn't fix the confusion.  but I'm at a point in my life right now that is crucial with respect to women.  I have always been a slave to external validation, so not only did I always think I was defective, but I keep on becoming an older and older virgin.   now on the plus side, the reason I have made the improvements above was because I realized this and have beaten back the need for external validation.. it's not gone, but does get weaker and weaker.  and my reliance on INTERNAL VALIDATION gets stronger and stronger.  and it will have to be VERY STRONG!!!!  if you are a 31 year old virgin, and girls find out, it's like handing a job application at 31 years of age with ZERO previous job experience....  you may have a legitimate reason and story behind it, but very few will give you the benefit of the doubt that you aren't some psycho or incredible weakling.   as a matter of fact, some girls that I have gone out on a few dates with, simply caught the wiff of lack of confidence and thought I was an absolute sicko because of this (I heard this through second hand information).  However, I'm SURE, that virgin or not, once I fully learn to feel amazing and love myself, the virginity will likely be a non-issue.

Of course, a great awesome girl would never do this.  But that's also been one of my "problems".  My terrible self esteem has made me put these "barbie doll" cold, game-playing girls on a pedastal (my desire for them has simply resulted from desiring something that I thought I never had myself and that I actually thought was important hahaha).  So I have just started to open my eyes to girls that have amazing personalities and interests and are very open minded and funny and beautiful people... you know.. REAL AMAZING WOMEN that I would actually love to spend time with!!!!! instead of subconscously always craving those girls that would simply give me external validation on a scale that is meaningless when you take a step back and look at it from a wider perspective.

So why am I writing???   Why would you want to care about a guy that is given everything in life but seems to have the heart of a lamb????  because I am finally starting to care about that guy.   and it feels so good to write this in the middle of what I describe as an internal war.   I've realized life can be AWESOME, and it's a very recent revelation to me that I AM an AWESOME person inside .... BUT  just a few days ago it occurred to me that none of this matters at all unless I FEEL AWESOME.    it's a work in progress, but once that is settled, I think this whole virginity issue will be put to rest, whether I actually end up losing my virginity or not.

If you made it through all this, congratulations!

 

slowblackhole slowblackhole 31-35 7 Responses Mar 29, 2009

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no more sexual problems. happy to report.

Well, I'm 32 now.... <br />
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and I'm defnitely no longer a virgin. yippee.<br />
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unfortunately if takes me like 10 minutes to get any sort of hardness and when finally do, I'm on the verge of climaxing, so really, while I'm in there I only last a few seconds.<br />
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so although I am officially no longer a virgin, I am also officially the WORST lover on planet earth at this moment.<br />
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hahahah.<br />
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life was simpler when I was a virgin, I'll tell you that much.<br />
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thankfully this girl who I am with is so patient and understanding, so that's a big help as I try to figure out how to get more skills to pay the bills. and we really like each other's company.<br />
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hope everyone reading this is doing well

I went to the AvPD link you provided, and it sounded just like me growing up!!!! I was horrifically shy, assumed people didn't want to have anything to do with me, and rather depressed socially. I started taking Paxil when I was 21, and my personality blossomed within a matter of weeks. However, I obviously still carry vestiges of that feeling because I am still a virgin and still wonder if I belong in this world of people with relationships. <br />
Men find me attractive, but it is so rare for me to be attracted back--and to the right guy--that I'm still left wondering if I'll ever find the guy I can fall head over heels for...who will love and accept me back. Sigh. <br />
So I completely understand where you're coming from and how you're growing into yourself. I am finally doing the same..at the age of 32!!!<br />
Thanks for your story.

Thank you Sir im 23 and have had severe acne and left with acne scars. for the 2years my acne and scars have made me feel down and depressed but now that i read your story i realise that i should fix this with my mind havent had that much luck wif women in that time but now i definitely inspired to get back what i have lost. thank you very much

Hey, thanks for your story and insights. I really appreciate it. I resonate with the paragraph about your mother. I think we have some common ground there. Send me an email to virgindiaperboy@gmail.com and maybe we can chat. Peace.

hey there... I don't think being a virgin means that you can't contribute ideas. even when it comes to sex. someone on this site even referred to many virgins as "well educated" in the sex department. <BR><BR>and for sure, I think it is exceedingly rare for a virgin to be a virgin b/c he or she doesn't have a sex drive. we all do because we are human beings (the exceedingly rare people having medical causes usually for the lack of sex drive).<BR><BR>you're still young in my opinion, so I hope you don't get too down, b/c from your writing, you seem pretty depressed. actually, the best thing we all can do is find a way to enjoy life, like every second.... and I don't mean enjoy everything else in life apart from sexual thoughts just to distract us from our virginity. I think it is really important for all of us, to especially embrace those times when we feel turned on etc.... because society wants us to buy into the fact that because we're virgins, that it's contradictory for us to feel that animal sexual vibe that others feel, so we often repress this sexual vibe as a defense mechanism because it's often associated with stigma and pain, and that starts a vicious cycle of conveying even less sexuality, and further driving away others who may want to engage us sexually.<BR><BR>that's all BS. it truly is. the funny thing is if all of a sudden we all had confidence and had sex with someone, THEY very well may enjoy it ALOT.... and afterwards if you told them that that was your first time, they would be shocked. but if you told them BEFORE, all of a sudden they have this vision of you as this pathetic person who can't attract the opposite sex. Of course, I'm just generalizing, but it's amazing how society gets biased from the "virgin" label. even if you've done it only once EVER, society lumps you into a completely different category, but omg if you're a "virgin", whoa, lookout.... psycho!!!!! as in, the simple insertion of your penis into a vagina all of a sudden turns off all of your "psycho" tendencies???hahahhaahah. I laugh, b/c it's now funny to me how illogical all of this is.<BR><BR>everyone has bought into the matrix, and if we sit here feeling bad for ourselves because we're virgins, then really, we are just as guilty for propagating that matrix.<BR><BR>of course each of our stories are more complicated than just our virginity, and self-esteem issues may run very deep in most of us, but it's this type of logical thinking that has saved me from spending the rest of my life in a self hating prison.<BR><BR>anyways, thanks for reading my story. :)<BR><BR>actually, I think a partner that you love is the highest form of relationship, and sex also, so keep your standards high.

1st of all I did read every line of what u wrote, so some people do still care.<br />
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wish I could tell u something useful to ur journey but I'm a virgin myself at 24. not cause I dont want to have sex or cause I didnt have the opportunity but just cause I never met anyone who had any other interest in me..<br />
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and I guess I'm a romantic... I want to b in love when I actually do it...<br />
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when u find someone who loves u, I believe ( even though the way u feel about yourself is important sure ) your appearance will not matter to them. I know lots of good looking guys that are just empty have no heart... thus are not appealing at all!