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Widowed, I Miss My Husband So Much...

On September 20 2011 My husband passed away. I always knew that we may not have a long time together for he had many heart problems...and I still can't believe he is gone. It feels like a dream.
I knew all the problems he had...born with a hole in his heart...open heart surgery when he was 9 to repair it. The hole was the size of a half dollar...the surgery was the only thing that saved him then..and in 1969 it was a miracle that he did not die during the surgery. The Dr's told his parents he would be lucky to live to his 19th birthday. When he was 36 he had a stroke. The Dr. told him he would never walk or talk again..Again they were wrong. In 2005 he had 2 heart attaches and they put in a implanted defibrillator. I met my husband just about this time 3 years ago at a mutual friends house.  
What I found with my husband was what I had hoped for all my life and had thought I would never have. He was my friend first..then the next thing I knew he was in my mind all the time. We were 250 miles apart.
When I bought my place he helped me move and stayed with me...We were perfect together. We fit together. We were so much alike. We were together every minute we could.
The first time my husband got sick and I thought I was going to lose him was when I knew that I loved him...I was never so scared..I wanted to run to him...I wanted to run away as fast as I could...he gave me everything I had ever wanted in a relationship...
I had never been so happy as I was with him...I guess my big mistake was forgetting that he could be taken from me at any time..he made it through so much i made myself believe that would happen every time...
I keep wondering if I hadn't made myself believe he would live for a long time still I would have been paying more attention and notice all the signs. If I had seen the signs I could have gotten him help and I would still have him.
Thinking back over the past few months I see the signs of him getting sicker...I must have seen them cause I kept asking him if everything was ok...I asked him all the time to please not hide it from me so we could get him taken care of. I didn't want to lose him. But hide it from me he did, I can see that now..He didn't want to be a burden to me...I'm not sure but I think he was tired of hurting all the time...feeling sick all the time...If he told me how bad he was feeling I would be dragging him to the Dr's. He really hated going to the Dr's.
I know he didn't want to leave me..He told me so. Several hours before he passed away he said "Do you think I want to die?, No I don't want to I want to live." But he knew he was never coming back home..
Before I took him to the hospital he told me "That death was upon him, that this was the beginning of the end." I brushed it off and told him not to talk like that he wasn't going to die yet.
I was even acting differently.  I was more worried than I normally was but I thought it was because of the way he was talking.
I never thought by the end of that day I would be totally devestated.  That the day I feared had come.
He thought he was a bad influence on me. I never missed work...Now I never wanted to go...I have been off work since the end of July 2010 for one thing after another...I had 3 surgery's...a lot of stress from work for I was having problems doing my job any more and was afraid I was going to get in trouble for it...It was because I got arthritis so bad in both hips and knees. My feet and ankles stayed swollen. Our Dr. gave me a restriction for work so they would have to put me on a job I could do. I was feeling better and getting ready to go back to work. 
My husband told me "what am I going to do when you go back to work,,I'll miss you". He didn't know I was wondering the same thing...for the last year and half we had been together constantly. We did everything together. We were together from when we got up, till we went to bed..and then I would hold him all night.
We spent so much time together that we packed in years for most people. I have found myself thanking God for me having all those problems that I  spend all that time with my husband. If I went to the store without him I missed him and hurried as fast as I could to get back home to him.
Now I miss him so much it is almost unbearable...From the moment he passed I started missing him...longing to be able to hold him...touch him one more time...hear him call me babyass one more time...hear him say he loved me and tell him how much I loved him...am glad that we told each other how much we loved each other every day at least 3 times..most days more...I'm glad I made his last years happy and feeling and knowing he was loved by me with all my heart...that he knew he made me happier than I had ever been..and I knew that he loved me with all his heart.
Now I can't stop crying..everything I do was what we did together...I cry while I am grocery shopping. There is hardly anything in the cart...he always had it filled up...and it is depressing having to do this by myself...
It's depressing getting up without him...nothing is the same...I was ok with being by myself before I met him...those days are gone...I'm not ok with it now...I would give anything to have him back and this pain gone...
I would do it all over again if given the chance for he was worth the pain I am having now. Having the love, the life, the happiness we had was worth it...
He had never been married and never wanted to..until me he said..I thought he was crazy that he wanted to shock everyone and break his bachelorhood for me. He was amazed that I wanted to marry him..he would say "you really married me didn't you...your really my wife" I would tell him yes we did marry and I was his wife...then he would say to me " you will be my wife for the rest of my life" and I would say you know I will. Now I'm saying I'll be your wife for the rest of my life...
I don't know how I am going to get back to a normal...he was my everything
                                                                          .

September the 20th 2011, my brothers 55th birthday, my youngest granddaughters 1st birthday....the day my world came crashing down on me and I lost half of myself.....
ellenme69 ellenme69 51-55 3 Responses Oct 8, 2011

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story has me crying as I feel it so close to my story. My husband had issues with his heart from when he was 19 years old. He had 2 strokes by the time he was 21, a pacemaker at 21, two open heart surgeries, 2 pace maker surgeries. We met when he was 30 and I was 26. He passed October 9, 2010 the morning after my birthday, and 3 weeks after we got married. He was 34 years old. We also did almost everything together. I miss him so much everyday. Just as you, I was ready to accept being single, then I met him. We were with each other almost everyday of the just over 4 years we were together. He was my bestfriend, my lover, my husband, and he is gone. <br />
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Like you, my husband kept information from me about how he was feeling, and kept it from his doctors. He didn't want to go through more open hearts, and he had the previous year been told they found another myxoma in his heart (which caused his first two strokes) and I think he knew his time was short, but never let me know he was feeling that way, and I gues I was in denial. <br />
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I am still lost, hurt, angry, sad, and so many emotions, even after a year and 4 months after his death. Its unbearable some days, but I am able to keep it together during work hours because I have bills to pay, but when I am alone at home, I still have days that I am a complete mess. I some how am getting through the days, but I will always have a piece of my life missing.

Your story is so much like mine, I felt like I had written it. My husband died 3 years ago and I still feel so much pain. I miss him so much and at times I don't know how I can go on. We had been together for 30 years and we loved each other so much. Just thinking about him or seeing him drive by and my heart would still do flips. I go through periods where I think I'm ok and then I have times when I think I'm not going to make it. I'm so lonely without him. He had a long enduring illness and I was there to care for him, always with the hope that he would get the organ transplant, but in retrospect I know I was in denial. He told me one morning that he thought he was dying and I couldn't say anything to him because I didn't want to believe it. I can't work, can't find any motivation, I'm just so sad, I have a big hole in my heart.

A very heart wrenching story but you can be happy that you did have him for the time that you did, and that you stuck by him until the end. I feel your pain.

I am happy for the time we had together...i'm devastated I don't have him anymore. Today was a really bad day. Everything made me start crying...Our friend and I went to a big indoor flea market we were going to go to but never did...about half way through a song came on in one of the vendor areas that made the pain of him being gone...the pain of missing him...the extreme loneliness...I was so happy with my life with him...I hate my life without him

I was standing in that vendor area and couldn't stop the tears...insurance agent came to our house for car insurance..and I started crying...watching a movie where a couple were getting married and when they said until death do us part made me cry uncontrollably