Missing My Husband

My husband passed away in his sleep on 1/6/09 of a heart attack. I miss him so much. I feel like my heart has been torn from my chest. I have 2 grown daughters and a grandson. We try to be strong for each other but their grief is different then what mine is.  I lost my best friend, lover and protector.  We were married for 34 years and we did everything together, even opening a business.  He was always there for me and now I am lost without him.  Friends and family call and try to help but they do not know what I am going through or feeling because they have never been through it.  All I want to do is cry. Will the pain ever get better?

suetom suetom
51-55, F
9 Responses Feb 28, 2009

I found your story While I was searching for answers and some comfort as well. My husband passed away 3 months ago. We knew each other 35 years and married for 28 of those. He was the love of my life. I have 3 sons and an a grand baby. They are comfort indeed but I agree that their grief will be different than mine. I pray you have found some healing. God bless.

we all have common experience how our husband died... My husband died at the age of 43 sudden heart attack or what they called fatal cardiac arrythmia... I never expect that will happened because what i saw in him is he is doing well in fact the doctor told us that after when we were in the hospital because of irritating cough and cold he was confine for 4 days and be check out the day after but to my dismay 30 minutes after having his nebulization my husband was gasping his breath and had this sudden heart attack that leads to his death... I want to sue the doctor or the hospital because they didnt take care well of my husband the hospital and the doctor knew that my husband had a heart problem but they give a meds that can trigger to palpitation... i research the meds that my husband had during his confinement and its a contra indication to his heart problem... Everytime i close my eyes i saw my husband how he wanted to live and fight til his last breath... T_T

im so sorry for your loss

I saw the post which stated a husband having a heart attack 1-6-09 and then one said something about a stent I believe. My husband had a defibrilator put in April 27, 2005. I remember this because our newborn son was exactly 1 month old that day. My husband showed some signs a few years prior, that alarmed a medically self trained person I was, that he was 26 and shouldn't be awaking with shoulder pain and having a heavy feeling in his chest. Contrary to his "I'll go to work and come home if it gets worse" I said, sorry, you're going to ER. They found he had an ejection fracture (sp?) of 15 and Cardiomyopathy that was likely viral. At the time they said, we usually find the cause (viral) upon death. Not very comforting but hearing that he seemed remarkably healthy to them on almost all levels, he was put on a regimen of seeing his cardiologist quarterly. His mom became very, very, very concerned that he had this problem stating she could not live w/o him and don't know what she'd do if he ever died. She came to many of his heart appts. and it always seemed like they made it worse when she was present. He couldn't lift to shovel snow all the way to lifting his son. I got the snow but not the baby seeing his job was carrying full computers across a corp. bldg and this equaled about 3 blocks or more.<br />
<br />
I believe we found the heart problem in 2003/4 and the push was continually to put in a defibrilator. After he was assured it wouldn't hurt him to put it in, and his mom being in tears to please do this b/c she can't think of life w/o her son (my husband), he made the decision to proceed b/c he simply didn't want his mom worrying so much. He always said, "I'm not scared. If I die and don't have a defib., I get to go to heaven earlier.) At which I'd say, "What does that mean for me??" The defib. went in and it was no big deal. I'd see it, it got in the way while we were cuddling but it never beeped, never went off, nothing. To us we believed that it was likely an unnecessary thing to do but the dr's were all too willing to put it in.<br />
<br />
We were told these usually last 8 mos., that being the battery. So it was put in 4-27-05 and on 1-2-09, he was on the sofa with me. He made a small purchase of 2 rats I didn't want but he loved those little creatures. Except he said he'd be getting a gerbil, a bit smaller in size. He got me a phone, helped me pick it out and got the plan arranged. He knew it all b/c after 9/11, he lost his PC Support job and went to delivering pizza's and then came back to PC set up, configuration for a corporation. In 2006 sometime in June, I got hit with one of the nastiest attacks of pain I have ever had. I couldn't lay back, couldn't sit down, seemed as though pacing, crying and eventually my face as close to the floor as it could get and my butt as high as it could get, was the only relief. Problem was, from June 2006-Sept 2006, We had no insurance. I fought this pain, a pain as though I was being impaled, was going to actually kill me. I asked my husband on many occasions to please knock me out. He'd never lay a hand on me but I knew there's no pain when you are sleeping and this is something I do alot. He almost lost me during and after a very large surgery (I was told it's larger then a heart transplant) to hopefully correct where my body was pointing the docs. 30 days in the hospital and every potential risk I got. That was 2007 and I watched my husband grow tremendously through this part of our lives. 2008 and a vascular surgery to my intestinal organs and so many hospitalizations that I believe they were at least 50% of the time I spent outside the hosp. and the other 1/2 in. On voting day, Nov 4, 2008, I'd never forget what I awoke to after losing 70% of my colon (so that makes colon, spleen, duodenum, pancreas, appendix, gallbladder and my entire left jaw joint to a titanium one. No, I am not healthy so when my husband's defib. went from random "what's that?" beeps, to a long beep and we realized it was the defib. After calling the dr., that Fri. night and we were told to call Mon., the home test showed a fractured lead wire and it had to be replaced. We were told it was a few hour surgery and on Tues. he went back and during the process, the Superior Vena Cava was blown through with the laser and created a hole the size of a small fist or 3 1/2 fingers wide.<br />
<br />
We were told to come back and after what seemed like forever, he was being rushed from the cath. lab to open heart surgery to stop the bleeding. He bled out for over 20 min. MY HUSBAND DIED AT 33. I'm stuck at 33 too. I was exactly 4 mos to the day older then him. 2 times this last week I was asked my age and replied 33, but I'm 35 now. Jan 8, 2010 will be 2 years. Since I had to remove him from LS after 2 days (he was septic, 105.9 temp, kidney's were about to fail and he failed 3 neurological tests and the machine was doing 100% of the breathing), I took crap from some and most of his so called friends that I killed him, didn't allow enough time b/c I was too tired to make that choice even though I callled a mtg of 25-30 and all but 1 were wanting more time. All his friends dropped like flies and called me names, they were going to do a benefit and when I got into planning it with them and started the 3 ball moving, they dropped off and it became me, 1 friend and mostly us hopping around my health, appts, inpatient hosp. stays and back out to try and plan. Thankfully God seemed to bring the help I needed that last week or a complete failure it would have been. See, no one wanted to put it on their CC so I had to put the room rental and food on mine and one of the so called friends chose one of the most exp. meals and then backed out b/c she wanted more control and apparently I was trying to control it all.<br />
<br />
My life these almost 2 years have been hell w/o my highschool sweetheart, my soulmate and what someone else said was "you guys were perfect for each other and I think of you and I think of him". Now to make it more muddy, I know I will never find anyone who would understand my situation, the endless love I will have for my deceased husband and the fact that I will always be his wife or widow or a widow. I won't let his memory end for our son, ever. So the closest person to my husband was his best friend. In fact, we thought so much alike that he worried about me, like I did him, if either of us died. I took out a large ins. policy on myself and my husband asked this best friend of 16 years, to "please watch over my wife and son and make sure they're ok, should anything ever happen to me". 1 year and 5 mos after my husband died, I married this friend. And we got counseling and went in knowing that I am still dealing with this as is he and it will flavor the rest of my life differently. But as long as he is ready to deal with it and I am, we'll be good. I shared with him that I will have days that are more confusing then anything I've ever had. Days where I wonder where my HS sweetheart is, then realize he's not coming home he's in heaven, I may cry or I may not but just like my grieving, his best friend is going through a similar feeling. Diff. then mine and my grieving diff. then his mother's but sadly the story is longer that he had a 1st son who is now 14 and I have been in his life since he was 3/4. This child has been told to forget me, he doesn't need me. I suppose it's assumed I'll let the word get out that my husb. was treated horribly by this mom. Maybe b/c they had their own issues is why she worries about me but I've tried to help and do my best while things have been taken from me either all too soon b/c I allowed people to play me as "selfish" and opened my house only mos. in and things got taken or that his parents gave the other son, not only the WRONG item, but one that just 1 week earlier he told his son he wants to give him something from our home WHEN he's older and shows interest in it. The other item he was given was my husbands and it's WAY over a 14 year olds head and sadly, I wanted to give it to my brother in law and his brother (one in the same). <br />
<br />
I give few details and I'm sorry but I know that if or when this post gets found, at least I can say I didn't use names. I've never been able to tell the full story of this death and craziness that surrounded it. That's why I have walked in circles when alone, esp. when my current husb. and bf to my deceased spouse leaves for his work. I know my deceased husb. wants me taken care of and he told me too that he thought if he died, I'd end up with his friend. This was less than 2 mos. b/4 he died. We know I am in the right place and I have the perfect person who understands my grief and we see things on t.v. or hear things, that remind us of 'him'. We both love him as does the rest of my family but sadly, I'm also looked as the bad wife b/c of things they think they know that they don't have a clue about. We shared some things with others but kept full stories to ourselves. W/O him, I can only defend myself but I have emails that he wrote to me and even his parents, protecting me and claiming his undying love. He went as far as to say "I love my wife and you guys have a bias towards me which clouds your view of her. I have not done my full load and left it up to her but now that she is sick, I want to do more and won't let her do it like I used to. I'll stop her, tell her to sit down and finish the job. I have not done this before but I know it's my duty and what we have up to now, was because of her but it's now my turn to take care of us and she is not forcing me or pushing me and I take offense to such comments about my wife". <br />
<br />
I have loved greatly and when you give that much love, you open yourself up to much hurt.<br />
But I now love again, differently and in some ways better, but definitely different and my hurt and feelings of loss will follow me forever. Keep your eyes on God, pray and he will get you through, day by day.

I saw the post which stated a husband having a heart attack 1-6-09 and then one said something about a stent I believe. My husband had a defibrilator put in April 27, 2005. I remember this because our newborn son was exactly 1 month old that day. My husband showed some signs a few years prior, that alarmed a medically self trained person I was, that he was 26 and shouldn't be awaking with shoulder pain and having a heavy feeling in his chest. Contrary to his "I'll go to work and come home if it gets worse" I said, sorry, you're going to ER. They found he had an ejection fracture (sp?) of 15 and Cardiomyopathy that was likely viral. At the time they said, we usually find the cause (viral) upon death. Not very comforting but hearing that he seemed remarkably healthy to them on almost all levels, he was put on a regimen of seeing his cardiologist quarterly. His mom became very, very, very concerned that he had this problem stating she could not live w/o him and don't know what she'd do if he ever died. She came to many of his heart appts. and it always seemed like they made it worse when she was present. He couldn't lift to shovel snow all the way to lifting his son. I got the snow but not the baby seeing his job was carrying full computers across a corp. bldg and this equaled about 3 blocks or more.<br />
<br />
I believe we found the heart problem in 2003/4 and the push was continually to put in a defibrilator. After he was assured it wouldn't hurt him to put it in, and his mom being in tears to please do this b/c she can't think of life w/o her son (my husband), he made the decision to proceed b/c he simply didn't want his mom worrying so much. He always said, "I'm not scared. If I die and don't have a defib., I get to go to heaven earlier.) At which I'd say, "What does that mean for me??" The defib. went in and it was no big deal. I'd see it, it got in the way while we were cuddling but it never beeped, never went off, nothing. To us we believed that it was likely an unnecessary thing to do but the dr's were all too willing to put it in.<br />
<br />
We were told these usually last 8 mos., that being the battery. So it was put in 4-27-05 and on 1-2-09, he was on the sofa with me. He made a small purchase of 2 rats I didn't want but he loved those little creatures. Except he said he'd be getting a gerbil, a bit smaller in size. He got me a phone, helped me pick it out and got the plan arranged. He knew it all b/c after 9/11, he lost his PC Support job and went to delivering pizza's and then came back to PC set up, configuration for a corporation. In 2006 sometime in June, I got hit with one of the nastiest attacks of pain I have ever had. I couldn't lay back, couldn't sit down, seemed as though pacing, crying and eventually my face as close to the floor as it could get and my butt as high as it could get, was the only relief. Problem was, from June 2006-Sept 2006, We had no insurance. I fought this pain, a pain as though I was being impaled, was going to actually kill me. I asked my husband on many occasions to please knock me out. He'd never lay a hand on me but I knew there's no pain when you are sleeping and this is something I do alot. He almost lost me during and after a very large surgery (I was told it's larger then a heart transplant) to hopefully correct where my body was pointing the docs. 30 days in the hospital and every potential risk I got. That was 2007 and I watched my husband grow tremendously through this part of our lives. 2008 and a vascular surgery to my intestinal organs and so many hospitalizations that I believe they were at least 50% of the time I spent outside the hosp. and the other 1/2 in. On voting day, Nov 4, 2008, I'd never forget what I awoke to after losing 70% of my colon (so that makes colon, spleen, duodenum, pancreas, appendix, gallbladder and my entire left jaw joint to a titanium one. No, I am not healthy so when my husband's defib. went from random "what's that?" beeps, to a long beep and we realized it was the defib. After calling the dr., that Fri. night and we were told to call Mon., the home test showed a fractured lead wire and it had to be replaced. We were told it was a few hour surgery and on Tues. he went back and during the process, the Superior Vena Cava was blown through with the laser and created a hole the size of a small fist or 3 1/2 fingers wide.<br />
<br />
We were told to come back and after what seemed like forever, he was being rushed from the cath. lab to open heart surgery to stop the bleeding. He bled out for over 20 min. MY HUSBAND DIED AT 33. I'm stuck at 33 too. I was exactly 4 mos to the day older then him. 2 times this last week I was asked my age and replied 33, but I'm 35 now. Jan 8, 2010 will be 2 years. Since I had to remove him from LS after 2 days (he was septic, 105.9 temp, kidney's were about to fail and he failed 3 neurological tests and the machine was doing 100% of the breathing), I took crap from some and most of his so called friends that I killed him, didn't allow enough time b/c I was too tired to make that choice even though I callled a mtg of 25-30 and all but 1 were wanting more time. All his friends dropped like flies and called me names, they were going to do a benefit and when I got into planning it with them and started the 3 ball moving, they dropped off and it became me, 1 friend and mostly us hopping around my health, appts, inpatient hosp. stays and back out to try and plan. Thankfully God seemed to bring the help I needed that last week or a complete failure it would have been. See, no one wanted to put it on their CC so I had to put the room rental and food on mine and one of the so called friends chose one of the most exp. meals and then backed out b/c she wanted more control and apparently I was trying to control it all.<br />
<br />
My life these almost 2 years have been hell w/o my highschool sweetheart, my soulmate and what someone else said was "you guys were perfect for each other and I think of you and I think of him". Now to make it more muddy, I know I will never find anyone who would understand my situation, the endless love I will have for my deceased husband and the fact that I will always be his wife or widow or a widow. I won't let his memory end for our son, ever. So the closest person to my husband was his best friend. In fact, we thought so much alike that he worried about me, like I did him, if either of us died. I took out a large ins. policy on myself and my husband asked this best friend of 16 years, to "please watch over my wife and son and make sure they're ok, should anything ever happen to me". 1 year and 5 mos after my husband died, I married this friend. And we got counseling and went in knowing that I am still dealing with this as is he and it will flavor the rest of my life differently. But as long as he is ready to deal with it and I am, we'll be good. I shared with him that I will have days that are more confusing then anything I've ever had. Days where I wonder where my HS sweetheart is, then realize he's not coming home he's in heaven, I may cry or I may not but just like my grieving, his best friend is going through a similar feeling. Diff. then mine and my grieving diff. then his mother's but sadly the story is longer that he had a 1st son who is now 14 and I have been in his life since he was 3/4. This child has been told to forget me, he doesn't need me. I suppose it's assumed I'll let the word get out that my husb. was treated horribly by this mom. Maybe b/c they had their own issues is why she worries about me but I've tried to help and do my best while things have been taken from me either all too soon b/c I allowed people to play me as "selfish" and opened my house only mos. in and things got taken or that his parents gave the other son, not only the WRONG item, but one that just 1 week earlier he told his son he wants to give him something from our home WHEN he's older and shows interest in it. The other item he was given was my husbands and it's WAY over a 14 year olds head and sadly, I wanted to give it to my brother in law and his brother (one in the same). <br />
<br />
I give few details and I'm sorry but I know that if or when this post gets found, at least I can say I didn't use names. I've never been able to tell the full story of this death and craziness that surrounded it. That's why I have walked in circles when alone, esp. when my current husb. and bf to my deceased spouse leaves for his work. I know my deceased husb. wants me taken care of and he told me too that he thought if he died, I'd end up with his friend. This was less than 2 mos. b/4 he died. We know I am in the right place and I have the perfect person who understands my grief and we see things on t.v. or hear things, that remind us of 'him'. We both love him as does the rest of my family but sadly, I'm also looked as the bad wife b/c of things they think they know that they don't have a clue about. We shared some things with others but kept full stories to ourselves. W/O him, I can only defend myself but I have emails that he wrote to me and even his parents, protecting me and claiming his undying love. He went as far as to say "I love my wife and you guys have a bias towards me which clouds your view of her. I have not done my full load and left it up to her but now that she is sick, I want to do more and won't let her do it like I used to. I'll stop her, tell her to sit down and finish the job. I have not done this before but I know it's my duty and what we have up to now, was because of her but it's now my turn to take care of us and she is not forcing me or pushing me and I take offense to such comments about my wife". <br />
<br />
I have loved greatly and when you give that much love, you open yourself up to much hurt.<br />
But I now love again, differently and in some ways better, but definitely different and my hurt and feelings of loss will follow me forever. Keep your eyes on God, pray and he will get you through, day by day.

I saw the post which stated a husband having a heart attack 1-6-09 and then one said something about a stent I believe. My husband had a defibrilator put in April 27, 2005. I remember this because our newborn son was exactly 1 month old that day. My husband showed some signs a few years prior, that alarmed a medically self trained person I was, that he was 26 and shouldn't be awaking with shoulder pain and having a heavy feeling in his chest. Contrary to his "I'll go to work and come home if it gets worse" I said, sorry, you're going to ER. They found he had an ejection fracture (sp?) of 15 and Cardiomyopathy that was likely viral. At the time they said, we usually find the cause (viral) upon death. Not very comforting but hearing that he seemed remarkably healthy to them on almost all levels, he was put on a regimen of seeing his cardiologist quarterly. His mom became very, very, very concerned that he had this problem stating she could not live w/o him and don't know what she'd do if he ever died. She came to many of his heart appts. and it always seemed like they made it worse when she was present. He couldn't lift to shovel snow all the way to lifting his son. I got the snow but not the baby seeing his job was carrying full computers across a corp. bldg and this equaled about 3 blocks or more.<br />
<br />
I believe we found the heart problem in 2003/4 and the push was continually to put in a defibrilator. After he was assured it wouldn't hurt him to put it in, and his mom being in tears to please do this b/c she can't think of life w/o her son (my husband), he made the decision to proceed b/c he simply didn't want his mom worrying so much. He always said, "I'm not scared. If I die and don't have a defib., I get to go to heaven earlier.) At which I'd say, "What does that mean for me??" The defib. went in and it was no big deal. I'd see it, it got in the way while we were cuddling but it never beeped, never went off, nothing. To us we believed that it was likely an unnecessary thing to do but the dr's were all too willing to put it in.<br />
<br />
We were told these usually last 8 mos., that being the battery. So it was put in 4-27-05 and on 1-2-09, he was on the sofa with me. He made a small purchase of 2 rats I didn't want but he loved those little creatures. Except he said he'd be getting a gerbil, a bit smaller in size. He got me a phone, helped me pick it out and got the plan arranged. He knew it all b/c after 9/11, he lost his PC Support job and went to delivering pizza's and then came back to PC set up, configuration for a corporation. In 2006 sometime in June, I got hit with one of the nastiest attacks of pain I have ever had. I couldn't lay back, couldn't sit down, seemed as though pacing, crying and eventually my face as close to the floor as it could get and my butt as high as it could get, was the only relief. Problem was, from June 2006-Sept 2006, We had no insurance. I fought this pain, a pain as though I was being impaled, was going to actually kill me. I asked my husband on many occasions to please knock me out. He'd never lay a hand on me but I knew there's no pain when you are sleeping and this is something I do alot. He almost lost me during and after a very large surgery (I was told it's larger then a heart transplant) to hopefully correct where my body was pointing the docs. 30 days in the hospital and every potential risk I got. That was 2007 and I watched my husband grow tremendously through this part of our lives. 2008 and a vascular surgery to my intestinal organs and so many hospitalizations that I believe they were at least 50% of the time I spent outside the hosp. and the other 1/2 in. On voting day, Nov 4, 2008, I'd never forget what I awoke to after losing 70% of my colon (so that makes colon, spleen, duodenum, pancreas, appendix, gallbladder and my entire left jaw joint to a titanium one. No, I am not healthy so when my husband's defib. went from random "what's that?" beeps, to a long beep and we realized it was the defib. After calling the dr., that Fri. night and we were told to call Mon., the home test showed a fractured lead wire and it had to be replaced. We were told it was a few hour surgery and on Tues. he went back and during the process, the Superior Vena Cava was blown through with the laser and created a hole the size of a small fist or 3 1/2 fingers wide.<br />
<br />
We were told to come back and after what seemed like forever, he was being rushed from the cath. lab to open heart surgery to stop the bleeding. He bled out for over 20 min. MY HUSBAND DIED AT 33. I'm stuck at 33 too. I was exactly 4 mos to the day older then him. 2 times this last week I was asked my age and replied 33, but I'm 35 now. Jan 8, 2010 will be 2 years. Since I had to remove him from LS after 2 days (he was septic, 105.9 temp, kidney's were about to fail and he failed 3 neurological tests and the machine was doing 100% of the breathing), I took crap from some and most of his so called friends that I killed him, didn't allow enough time b/c I was too tired to make that choice even though I callled a mtg of 25-30 and all but 1 were wanting more time. All his friends dropped like flies and called me names, they were going to do a benefit and when I got into planning it with them and started the 3 ball moving, they dropped off and it became me, 1 friend and mostly us hopping around my health, appts, inpatient hosp. stays and back out to try and plan. Thankfully God seemed to bring the help I needed that last week or a complete failure it would have been. See, no one wanted to put it on their CC so I had to put the room rental and food on mine and one of the so called friends chose one of the most exp. meals and then backed out b/c she wanted more control and apparently I was trying to control it all.<br />
<br />
My life these almost 2 years have been hell w/o my highschool sweetheart, my soulmate and what someone else said was "you guys were perfect for each other and I think of you and I think of him". Now to make it more muddy, I know I will never find anyone who would understand my situation, the endless love I will have for my deceased husband and the fact that I will always be his wife or widow or a widow. I won't let his memory end for our son, ever. So the closest person to my husband was his best friend. In fact, we thought so much alike that he worried about me, like I did him, if either of us died. I took out a large ins. policy on myself and my husband asked this best friend of 16 years, to "please watch over my wife and son and make sure they're ok, should anything ever happen to me". 1 year and 5 mos after my husband died, I married this friend. And we got counseling and went in knowing that I am still dealing with this as is he and it will flavor the rest of my life differently. But as long as he is ready to deal with it and I am, we'll be good. I shared with him that I will have days that are more confusing then anything I've ever had. Days where I wonder where my HS sweetheart is, then realize he's not coming home he's in heaven, I may cry or I may not but just like my grieving, his best friend is going through a similar feeling. Diff. then mine and my grieving diff. then his mother's but sadly the story is longer that he had a 1st son who is now 14 and I have been in his life since he was 3/4. This child has been told to forget me, he doesn't need me. I suppose it's assumed I'll let the word get out that my husb. was treated horribly by this mom. Maybe b/c they had their own issues is why she worries about me but I've tried to help and do my best while things have been taken from me either all too soon b/c I allowed people to play me as "selfish" and opened my house only mos. in and things got taken or that his parents gave the other son, not only the WRONG item, but one that just 1 week earlier he told his son he wants to give him something from our home WHEN he's older and shows interest in it. The other item he was given was my husbands and it's WAY over a 14 year olds head and sadly, I wanted to give it to my brother in law and his brother (one in the same). <br />
<br />
I give few details and I'm sorry but I know that if or when this post gets found, at least I can say I didn't use names. I've never been able to tell the full story of this death and craziness that surrounded it. That's why I have walked in circles when alone, esp. when my current husb. and bf to my deceased spouse leaves for his work. I know my deceased husb. wants me taken care of and he told me too that he thought if he died, I'd end up with his friend. This was less than 2 mos. b/4 he died. We know I am in the right place and I have the perfect person who understands my grief and we see things on t.v. or hear things, that remind us of 'him'. We both love him as does the rest of my family but sadly, I'm also looked as the bad wife b/c of things they think they know that they don't have a clue about. We shared some things with others but kept full stories to ourselves. W/O him, I can only defend myself but I have emails that he wrote to me and even his parents, protecting me and claiming his undying love. He went as far as to say "I love my wife and you guys have a bias towards me which clouds your view of her. I have not done my full load and left it up to her but now that she is sick, I want to do more and won't let her do it like I used to. I'll stop her, tell her to sit down and finish the job. I have not done this before but I know it's my duty and what we have up to now, was because of her but it's now my turn to take care of us and she is not forcing me or pushing me and I take offense to such comments about my wife". <br />
<br />
I have loved greatly and when you give that much love, you open yourself up to much hurt.<br />
But I now love again, differently and in some ways better, but definitely different and my hurt and feelings of loss will follow me forever. Keep your eyes on God, pray and he will get you through, day by day.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN I LOST MY HUSBAND DEC 18,2008 HE HAD A STENT PUT IN HEART 5 YEARS AGO.THE STENT COLLASPE HE LIVED 11 DAYS NEVER CAME OUT OF COMA DUE TO LACK OF OXYGEN TO BRAIN.THE AMBULANCE TOOK 30 MINUTES TO GET TO MY HOUSE WHICH WAS 5 MINUTES AWAY.I WAS VERY ANGRY WHEN THE DOCTERS TOLD ME HIS HEART WOULD BUILD BACK UP BUT HE WAS DEPRIVE OF OXYGEN TOO LONG .I CRY ALL THE TIME LOST WEIGHT I WEIGH 100 POUNDS.<br />
,JUST FEEL I CANT GO ON

Hello Suetom,<br />
I lost my husband as well. It has been almost two years now. We were together for 16 years and married for 14. He died a month after our anniversary. I have three kids still living at home.<br />
<br />
I know how you feel. My heart felt like someone just reached right inside of me and forcibly removed it. It is the most retched feeling I have ever had. My kids, even though they are missing him do not know the depths of the grief I have felt.<br />
I thought that I would never be able to live again. I was essentially dead. No feelings left, I moved like a robot for almost a year. My kids were the only reason I laughed or ate or showered or did anything. It was all automatic.<br />
Then one day there was a little bit of light. For whatever reason I cried out and reached for it and there was life again. <br />
I had prayed to God one day in desperation, while sitting in the shop of our business and cried for relief from myself.<br />
I had become *replete with very ME*<br />
That's when my life started to return to me.<br />
When people told me it would get better with time, I was angry with them. Well, as angry as I could feel. It doesn't get better, It just changes. <br />
It's a new path, a new journey. I think that is what people see as *getting better*<br />
It doesn't even really get easier. It just changes and you learn a new way of doing things. Then you reflect on what used to be and even though you miss that part of your life and what your loved one meant to you, If you pay attention to those memories you glean a new understanding of who you used to be and who you are now. <br />
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Sound strange and unrealistic? Yeah, I thought so too. I found this site to be helpful in respect to finding someone to talk to who understood how I felt. Even though our experiences are not exactly the same, our thoughts and feelings are. Believe it or not, it is extremely theraputic. <br />
So come and share and talk to us all here and we will be there for you as you are there for us.<br />
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God bless you and your family

I think you should talk to your friends and family about what you really feel and what you're going through. Let them get a chance to help you through this. Asking others for help in a situation like this is not being being weak. You would help them recover from their grief if it was them who had lost someone close. It's best to talk with friends and family about things like this but EP can work for you as well if you write more about how you feel. There is endless support and love to be had on this site.<br />
Your husband would want you to live on and live a good life. You owe that to him. And to your children and grandchildren. They all love you, as do we. Feel better soon!