Almost a Year Since He's Gone--deeply Upset

It has been a year and I find that most people judge me for not getting over missing my husband of over 20 years. We were best friends and shared everything.  People say inappropriate things; they do not let me cry or grieve when I have to..when I want to be alone in pain, I am forced to go out.  Time to join people again! some say.  I even hear "Why don't you go to a singles dance"  If there is anyone out there who is feeling deep pain, let me know and reply to this story.

ElizaCarlyle ElizaCarlyle
51-55, F
4 Responses Mar 7, 2009

im so sorry for your loss

My husband died in his sleep October 18, 2007. We were married for 17 years together for 19...he was my knight in shining armour. I was married before to an abusive man, treated me badly, divorced and Ed became my friend. No thougth of love and then it happened and we fell in love. Married. Had our son William. I am a handful and my husband was patient, kind, there for me. I feel that I would be betraying him by not missing him as much as I do. This get on with life thing? I am. I have my children, my grandchildren, job, house, bills but NO ED and I miss him more than I can say. I will always miss him. I continue to wear my wedding rings. I am tired of getting the "I'm sorry thing" with people when you say you are widow so I just talk to customers at work like he's still alive. If it comes up I say I'm a widow and then you get "the look". I don't want to be felt sorry for. This is a part of life. But, it hurts and I will never be the same. He was so good to me and my kids and our son. He was a great father, good son, good brother, great friend. So, life goes on. It has to, I can't stop the world from going around, but, for me it doesn't go around the same anymore. Nothing is the same anymore and I will always think of him. I would expect him to do the same for me. To remember, to smile, to cry, to think of him. When in a quandry I try to imagine what he'd be telling me to do. I am so lost without his guidance. I believe that even after death love goes on. I still love him and I believe that in Heaven there is perfect Love and if I believe that's where he is now, and I do, then he may not be here with me, but, I still feel him. Not in a like ghost thing. But, here in my heart and my soul and in my mind...he's still with me and I see him everyday in our son. But, that's just me.....

Theredlady is right eliza, you need to take this time to grieve. There is absolutely no way for people to understand what this feels like if they have not gone through it themselves and you need to make it clear to them that you want to do things at your own pace. <br />
I've been struggling with the death of my girl for a little over a year and it hasn't gotten even a little bit better, if anything it has gotten worse. You can't keep it inside though, you need to let it all out and cry whenever you feel the need. One of my "fatal flaws" is that I am so completely detached from my body that I can't even cry anymore, I try and nothing comes of it. Don't let that happen to you dear because frankly it just intensifies the brutal torture that we are forced to bear. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk feel free to message me.<br />
<br />
Resem9

Hello Eliza, <br />
I want you to know you have come to the right place. You won't meet just one person. There is so many of us who are missing our loved ones. Husbands and wives here at EP. There is this group and the I am a widow group. Don't limit yourself, though, there are so many people who don't quite find their way here to these groups. <br />
Cry your eyeballs out sweetie. Don't let people interfere with your grief. It is natural and is different in intensity for everyone. I have been without my John for almost two years and I still cry. <br />
You don't have to find someone or *get back into the swing of things*<br />
Your friends are just trying to help that way probably because they don't know what else to do or how to deal with your situation.<br />
Don't hold it against them. When you want to be alone, don't tell them your going to be alone just go.<br />
Find a quiet place that they don't know that reminds you of him and go there.<br />
It doesn't get easier. It only changes. Over time you learn to adapt. The memories you relive help you to do that.<br />
Here is what you don't do. <br />
Don't let it consume you. Cry, scream, let it out. Don't bottle it. There is no getting over it. Tell us how you lost him. Tell us how you feel from the depths of your soul.<br />
Release your guilt so that you can start to heal.<br />
Going out won't heal you. Only change can do that.<br />
<br />
You had 20 years with him. Remember everything. He made you who you are now. <br />
Remember also the love you have. It has made you strong. Stronger than you realize right now. In time you will begin to realize all that you did with him, everything you taught each other, prepared you to live without each other. <br />
Because your love, any love transcends time, space and daily life. <br />
Read our stories here and get to know us. We feel your pain. We know your pain.<br />
Be our friend, Eliza.