It Is Almost Time

It is almost time for our anniversary.March 14, 1993 at 2:30 p.m. We were only married 14 years, but we were together for 16. The closer the day gets the worse I feel.

Last night I sat outside in the dark and looked at the night sky. There is this one star that seems to sit right in front of me just over the trees. I imagine that it is John waiting to talk to me. So I talk. I miss him so much. I am finally able to see his face again in my memories. I couldn't for so long.

I wish I could just get away and go somewhere alone, but I have my kids and business to think of. Money isn't so great right now either. I don't like my kids to see me sad.

The worse part of all of this is that there is this other man in my life that I have begun to have feelings for. I am so torn. He is such a good friend and our relationship has become a little more than just friends.  Although, I hadn't intended it to be, it just happened.

I thought that I was just transferring feelings for John, but now I am not so sure. We don't really see each other a whole lot. He calls me all the time, though.  I feel the same ache for him that I felt for John whenever he was away at work. I don't know what to do. I miss John so much and him. I feel like I am being torn apart, especially now at this time of the year.

There lies my reason to want to run away.  If I could just get away and think about things, I might be able to clear my head.

Any thoughts anyone? Please I need some advice. Keep in mind this guy has been a good friend to me and knew my husband pretty well too.

theredlady theredlady
41-45, F
8 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Ahh, I hope so. Well, I know John liked him. He always thought of him as a good guy. Even gave him high praise to his boss. That is something John didn't do for everyone.<br />
He is like John in some ways. In others he is completely different. I am going to play it by ear. I know he isn't in any rush. He never hurries. He never worries. He just *enjoys the time*. Silly man.

im not sure what i would do right now i couldnt even think about some one else but you seem to have feelings for someone else who also knew your husband.even though it may seem strange.you owe it to yourself to see where it could go. it sounds like your husband would aprove.

thank you. it good to talk to people how been thru the same thing.my husband gave me my strength.its so hard and i know our daughter must get her strength from him.shes been thru so much.the morning that it happened when the peramedics were laying him down on our living room floor to work on him she called to him and the last thing he did was lookat her shes having ahard time as well im not sure what to say.to her. but shes trying to be strong for me i would also like to talk to your friend as well.i love and miss everything about him.i dont know if i will ever truly get over losing him.when i was reading your comment on that i miss my husband i was crying again and i had to stop and answer the phone it was his mom.great timing right....ill ttyl.

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I have been so afraid about all of this. Trying not to hurt myself or my kids or my friend for that matter. <br />
It has driven me to distraction.<br />
I know John would approve of him, If our relationship continues in this direction. I hope that whatever happens I won't go into it headlong. I couldn't stand another heartbreak. <br />
Thank you again for your understanding, It seems that when I thought I was dead, I found life. I don't know where it will take me, but I feel a pull in that direction I can't ignore so I think I'll follow and watch where it leads.<br />
<br />
Much love to all

trl -- in the middle of the Valentines Day misery that so many of us feel, I went out to meet someone a friend had suggested, seeing that we were both dealing with the same kind of pain ... our first meeting drove a poor waiter to distraction trying to get us to stop talking, order, and eat something, and the second meeting would have gone the same way if not for a much savvier steward -- but by then we were having trouble keeping our hands and our lips apart. <br />
<br />
We have each said to the other, never did we hope to be so lucky, think to feel this giddy again ... never to look up at tomorrow with a smile and say quietly to ourselves, "Hey, these could be really good days coming after all."<br />
<br />
Keeping cautious watch on your feelings (we are all vulnerable, too eager to rush back looking for the same comfort we had) -- please do be open to finding more love. My new life-friend and life-love talks about crying happily at the thought of our former spouses waiting for us together, as the Judaeo-Christian tradition has it, to join with them like angels.<br />
<br />
Peace, hope, love<br />
<br />
P.S. There's a star I talk with, too. She sees the shadows lifting from my thoughts, and approves.

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i also lost my husband a year ago. some times i thought i could not go on. if you have someone like your friend to help you , i think your husband would be greatful for that.he would not want you to be alone. i wish i had someone like that in my life. please do not feel guilty. enjoy what you have, it is never good to be alone. take the time to know what you want. you never forget him, but you have the memorys. now you can make new ones if this frined is for you.

I know what you mean about anniversaries. I, too, wish I could just get away to clear my head; but during these times it is difficult to find the time and the money. I don't know everything about your new relationship..but I can understand the difficulties emotionally, a new one can bring. You say this guy is a good friend. Is it possible, since he knew your husband, that you could share your feelings with him in a way that is comfortable for you and understandable to him? That way, the pace can be slowed down a bit to give you time to think because he would come to understand that you still have business to attend to. I do think that it is a nice thing to have a new possibility enter your life although u may feel or do feel this complicates things a bit and brings up feelings.<br />
Yes, your husband is in the stars at night, and even though we both shy away from full involvements because of our pain, i have to say that i know a husband would want for his loved one to somehow have a life that is somewhat fulfilling while they are still on earth. For me, with only just a year having gone by, it is hard for me to fathom any type of better relationship, but maybe with the right man who has feelings and understanding, I can at least have a different, close to new openings. I know you are torn and it is difficult. Explain, talk, slow down the pace and see what happens.