I went to pay my husband a visit today. This morning I woke up rested and feeling well. Nothing was wrong with me at all. I was looking forward to working today and finishing up my big move. I cleaned the kitchen from the night before and put on laundry to wash. I'm not going to relate what my kids left too long undone....needless to say, it was gross.
Then it hit me. I needed to go. It was time. Today was the day. I grabbed my keys and went quietly out the door. Everyone was still asleep. As I drove there, a sudden sensation came over me. Sadness. Unimaginably deep, overwhelming and it gripped me like that first day. I started before I even arrived at the cemetary. The tears started slow, just welling up in the eyes. As I walked up to his marker and knelt down, I collapsed into a hard cry. I haven't cried like that in a long time. It was uncontrolled and primal and I just couldn't stop.
I told him I hated him....I hated him for leaving me alone. It was bad enough that I had always been a loner until he came along, but now I was lonely as well....."I hate you," I said over and over again.
I cried like that until I got sick and cried some more. I guess I did that for about an hour, at least that's how it felt. The whole time stroking his marker. I did this. When I had cried out the worst, I cried a little more while telling him I loved him and wanted him to come home....I need someone to hold and to hold me...there is nobody who wants me. Nobody but you. I love you and miss you. And then I came home......