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The Visit

I went to pay my husband a visit today. This morning I woke up rested and feeling well. Nothing was wrong with me at all. I was looking forward to working today and finishing up my big move. I cleaned the kitchen from the night before and put on laundry to wash. I'm not going to relate what my kids left too long undone....needless to say, it was gross.

Then it hit me. I needed to go. It was time. Today was the day. I grabbed my keys and went quietly out the door. Everyone was still asleep. As I drove there, a sudden sensation came over me. Sadness. Unimaginably deep, overwhelming and it gripped me like that first day. I started before I even arrived at the cemetary. The tears started slow, just welling up in the eyes. As I walked up to his marker and knelt down, I collapsed into a hard cry. I haven't cried like that in a long time. It was uncontrolled and primal and I just couldn't stop.

I told him I hated him....I hated him for leaving me alone. It was bad enough that I had always been a loner until he came along, but now I was lonely as well....."I hate you," I said over and over again.

I cried like that until I got sick and cried some more. I guess I did that for about an hour, at least that's how it felt. The whole time stroking his marker. I did this. When I had cried out the worst, I cried a little more while telling him I loved him and wanted him to come home....I need someone to hold and to hold me...there is nobody who wants me. Nobody but you. I love you and miss you. And then I came home......

theredlady theredlady 41-45, F 3 Responses Sep 20, 2009

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yeah girlhollie, it usually does help me to cry. I think this time though it just made me feel groggy for the day.....it really wasn't a good day for me. I feel better now. I'm just going through some changes and leaving some things behind. It's a bit hard to do. You must miss your grandmother terribly. I know I miss my mother. She was my friend and we had a close relationship, so I know how you miss her. Carry her with you and be happy. Thank you for your kind words too. :)

Chickadeedee, I empathize with you. What a feeling, huh? To be so close and so far.....<br />
It's been just over two years lorraine, I talk to him and tell him things sometimes, as though he were there. I still have an empty spot where his answer would be, so I fill it in. I've dreamt of him, but he never speaks.....I never hold it in. It hurts too much to do that.<br />
But that brings me to Travelinman. I really appreciate what you've said. I am learning to be on my own. I don't know what my future holds for me. Perhaps someone, one day will want me for who I am and not ..... I am starting to have all the good memories come back to me as you said "to the forefront" I guess that was the reason for my sudden outburst. Sometimes they kind of flood in all at once..... I have a friend who is divorced and I think the difference between the two of us is small. I will try not to become what I fear. Thank you all for being so kind.

You don't say how long your husband has been gone, not that it really matters. Grief and mourning last as long as it takes. Getting your anger out is the best way to start. Holding it in isn't healthy.<br />
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Of course you know he is very much alive in your heart. Talk to him all the time. Forget what family members or friends say--talk to him as if he never left you.<br />
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Don't be surprised if he answers--you just have to be open to it.