Four Days

I'm quiet lately. I'm not saying much on EP. I talk too much at home. Some sort of false bravado seems to take over me around my family and friends. I know I don't feel it truly, but I can't seem to help myself. I worry about business and bills and kids and repairs around the house. Cooking meals, cleaning the house, the yard, my car. I worry about these things alone. Everyone tells me it'll be fine and I shouldn't worry so much. I remember when I didn't. I remember being the steady and sure one and I remember sharing the burden. He worried and I made sure he stayed focused. I encouraged him, helped him, loved him. I love him still.

Then, sitting here wondering what is wrong with me, I just tell myself out of the clear blue, "Because in four days your getting married." It's not true, of course. I'm not getting married, but on March 14, 1993, I did. Four days from now. It hit me like a ton of lead in my heart. Just when you think your done with the sudden snags of realization, an anniversary will sneak up on you and smash you down. I think back now to earlier in the day when I walked through a door and could swear I smelled him. He had a scent about him. A musky scent that was always around him. For a brief second today, I thought about him and wondered what he would think of me today. Some things I've done I know he wouldn't approve, but we were always opposites. Like night and day, but always touching  each other at the edge of our similarities and melding and enjoying the differences that we knew drew us together. I miss him tonight. Terribly, terribly I do miss him so.

theredlady theredlady
41-45, F
12 Responses Mar 10, 2010

any time you need to talk sd39 just pm me. I always answer my mail.

The rollercoaster never really stops, you just get used to it. You learn to ride it out and cope with the sudden drop in mood.... I am sorry that you know this feeling. For the loss you must have suffered to know it, I hope you find comfort with friends and family.

Aww I'm sorry Ames. It's okay. I'm fine now.

made me cry..hugs n love*

Gnight Ersatz! Thank you ....

Nope Ersatz... it's a pretty darn good thing I reckon.

Heheheheh.... thanks bperry. I hope so.... yeah. he cheered me up and didn't know he was doing it!

Hang in there Red. I remember my wedding day. I ran into my wife in the hallway just minutes before the ceremony ( I wasn't supposed to see her until she walked out). I remember being shocked at how beautiful she was, and realizing how much I loved her. I'm sure your husband felt the same thing toward you. I'm sure he loves you still, in a very wonderful way, if thats any consolation.<br />
and ersatz is LMAO hilarious!!!

ahh I'm tired Ersatz. just a bit giddy I guess.

LOLOL ohh... thanks for that... I needed that... laughing is good medicine.

LOLOLOL! silly Man!

Thank you Ersatz I appreciate your prayers. Please say them with happy thoughts and enjoy the entire day.