Blessed But Exhausted

Since death will come to each of us at some time in this life, I am so thankful for the ease with which it visited by husband and then stole him from us forever. As much as the pain ebbs and flows, I would never have wanted him to remain longer and suffer. Sometimes, death is kind, though most unwelcome.

Grief is hard, exhaustive work and today I am tired. The youngest of our special needs kids has after two years been diagnosed with depression due to lost and abandonment and now today PTSD. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Entering our lives at one year of age the neglect he had suffered was written all over his expression and physical development. He and my husband became constant buddies. For almost 18 months he sat on my husband's shoulders until their rhythm was one as seen in an experienced horseman. We have the most delightful pictures in his life book where my husband's head in rested on his arm asleep and the little guy asleep on his shoulders, head resting on my husband's as if it were a pillow. For months after his Dad's passing he slept with his picture and if he awaken and it wasn't there wouldn't go back to sleep until it was located. Eight months later, he no longer wanted the picture, he was angry. "It's all your fault", he would shout at me when things went wrong. "You haven't gotten me a new Dad yet". At first I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It hurt but, there was humor also. Of course he thought they were easily obtained. He had one before my husband who abandoned him and now this one was gone.

On days when there are things that must be acomplished, a paralyzed child to be carried for non stop, an angry fellow who can't be pacified or distracted, and a third who is lacking attention due to all the negative attention another is receiving decides to claim his notice anyway he can get it, I am exhausted.

Deciding a few minutes outside would be great therapy, I retrieved the weed eater to trim the yard only to discover I didn't know how and couldn't force the machine to lengthen the string. Remembering I haven't received my copy of the "Widow's Manual" yet after two years of looking for it, I had to trouble a neighbor for instructions. I am so tired of all this extra stuff I don't know and don't even know I need to know and having to ask someone whose job it isn't to get me out of a situation, once again.

I suppose I am complaining but, I am forever grateful for the children entrusted to me, exhausting though they be, a house with a yard and a neighbor who doesn't laugh, at least to my face when I ask dumb questions. Will someone please publish a "Widow's Manual"!
dandelyon dandelyon
61-65, F
3 Responses May 21, 2012

yeah, words are hard to describe how much pain we have to go through when we lose our love ones. But if they are suffering do you want to keep living and feeling that pain everyday? But be positive he is in a better place now. You have your son to keep you going. :)

Thanks for the note. Looks like you are new here. Hope you will share your story soon. It is nice to hear from others traveling the same road. :)

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes it is the smallest things that we aren't used to having to use/do that can turn a day upside down. If one can, it is always best to see the humor in it somewhere. But, oh, how I wish for a real widow's manual so I don't have to go on asking so many dumb questions of the neighbor.Guess it shows we were somewhat spoiled not having to do such things before.

I do lost my husband over a year ago, so i know exactly how you feel, no manual will do you any good only you and just be strong. Even if you have nothing else but you have you breath and still breathing so we do have to go on with or without our love ones.

God bless you and the funny thing is I had the exact same problem with the darn weed whacker! Not thinking clearly but not willing to concede defeat, I went out and bought a new one. (It made sense at the time). I admire your strength and if you have to occasionally recharge, you do it for yourself and for all those who love you. Hang in there. Tomorrow's another day.