The Truth Wont Set Me Free

I have written 3 stories. So many wonderful people comment on them, pray for me, and wish me happiness. And I appreciate each and every one. But now im going to tell the end of the story. Im going to tell yall why I cant move on and get over Ron. And I hope yall dont hate me when I finish. We all know my husband passed away November 18,2009. But what yall dont know is since that awful day, I have been carrying so much guilt. I did something I cant get over. And until I feel my husband forgives me,I just cant get past this. Someone left a comment I need to talk to my children, maybe it would help, and they need me. But I cant talk to them. I dont feel I deserve their help. And i'll never tell them of my guilt. So here it goes. The night of November 17, Ron hurt so bad, he couldnt sleep or get comfortable. All night I tried moving him around, side to side, it didnt matter what, He couldnt get comfortable. He kept giving me that angel smile of his and telling me hes sorry. I beg him not to say that. He would take my hand and tell me he loved. And I loved him so much. The morning of the 18th, my daughter got up and told me to go to bed and get rest. Within 5 minutes she ran in the bedroom and told me something was wrong. My dear sweet husband held strong til I left and he collapsed. He was sitting on the side of the bed, bent all the way forward with his head in my son-in-laws lap. We couldnt get him to lay down. I called Hospice and they was here in no time. I told the nurse he needs his medicine. Ron had a stomach tube because he couldnt swallow. I tried to lay him down so I could give it to him. Now let me explain something, Ron was man, he was the boss. 18 years of marriage, when we argued, i would tell him how i felt. But him being the man, he had the final say, and i obeyed. That being said heres my guilt. I tried to lay him down, he tried to fight it with his weak body, he kept saying no. For the first time i disobeyed him. I made him lay down. The look on his face, i will never forget. It haunts me when I try to sleep. He looked so scared, the first time ever i saw fear in his eyes. I disobeyed him and made him lay down for stupid medicine. He knew if he laid down he would die, i swear i didnt know that. I just wanted him out of pain. Him dying right then never crossed my mind. Thats when he went into a coma. I begged him not to go. My son was being flown in, and Ron wanted to see him so bad. Because of me, Ron died that day. Because of me Jeffrey didnt get to say good bye to his dad. And why, after 18 years, did i pick that day to disobey? I killed my husband. The man that loved me, trusted me to take care of him, and the last thing he saw and thought was me killing him. He loved me so much, and that was what he got. And til I feel he forgives me, i cant get over it. I cant let the kids know I killed their dad. They would hate me. So there is my story, I hope my friends i made on here doesnt hate me. June 19th is his b-day, and July 3rd will be our 21st anniversary. And all I do is cry, and im hoping this guilt will ease a little. I love and miss him with all my heart. I wish he could see how much im suffering and forgive me. I just wanted to make him comfortable. I didnt know he was going to die if he laid down. I love him.
hjoyce hjoyce
46-50, F
8 Responses Jun 12, 2012

Hi hjoyce. I believe I know how you feel . My husband Ron and I were married 2 months shy of our 39 annivesary. We hardly ever argued and whenever we were apart for more than a day we got physical sick and I swear to all there is that this is true. When he would go to fishing tournaments he would call me as soon as he got off the lake and at his work he would call me twice a day. We were like... magnets and we never tiered of each other. Some said we needed time apart but we didn't think so. We were true companions and enjoyed each others company. Ron got very sick 18 years ago, he suffered from a severe clinical depression without agressive behavior, we did not know why this happened to him as we had all we ever wanted, 3 beautiful healthy daughters and 5 wonderful healthy grandkids. Ron started his depression when our 2 oldest daughters got pregnant with our first grandsons, the boys are 3 days apart and they are now 17. I told Ron to write how he felt during the day in a journal. He never told me he did and I found it behind papers a week after he died. Now we know why he took his life, suppressed memories. Ron was a real prince inside and out and he never showed his illness infront of the grandkids or our daughters but they all knew he was not well. The day Ron took his life we had a silly arguement and I told him I was pissed off and I was going to WalMart to cool off, WalMart of all the damn places. When I left, he left. It was a 2 hour drive to where he took his life, I can only imagine what was going through his mind during that long drive. It is taking all I have inside me to write this . Like Cheryltoo said, I know I / you did not kill our husbands but I feel partly to blame but we have to remember and it is hard to do, that their illness took them away from us. I wish you all the best and my deepest sympathy to you and your children.

i am so sorry. it is very rare to have that fairy tale marriage. i am very blessed to have that. my daughter was in high school and she was the only one that had parents still together. people dont work to have that anymore. i had 18 wonderful years. i dont know how to live without him. everyone tell me to be happy with what i had. i really dont see how they say that. or hes in a better place. i dont like that being said. he was happy and loved life. its not better to be pulled away from your love ones. just reading your words made me think of my ron. you do truely know. its so hard. wonder if i will ever have one day without pain. will i ever be normal again. im proud of you for being so strong. one day i hope to be. thank you so much for your comment. we was very lucky to have our rons in our lives. if only i could lose some of the guilt. its getting so heavy carrying it around. but it was all in the look in his eyes, staring into mine with all that fear as i was making him lay down. that look it so embedded in my brain. it dont fade.

Hi me again. I agree on what you said when people say he or she is in a better place that just ****** me off to no end. Why do people say that, I believe deep down in ny soul that yes my Ron is at peace and your Ron is also at peace, even that is hard to say but it is true. Maybe the look your husband gave you was that he knew it was his time and he was affraid but maybe more affraid to say so since he was such a proud man like you said. Please don't beat yourself up to much with this because like me it will only make you sick and your kids need you and mine need me also. Do you have a counselor you can talk to.? If you wish you can reply to me all you want it's good to talk even when you don't know the other person at the end of ...I was going to say the line but I should say the key board Take care

You did not kill your husband. Your husband was very ill and suffering. Things happen for a reason. He was at peace after he went. Please remember that and never ever say you killed your husband. Someday you will get a sign that he forgives you and not to blame yourself for that day.

thank you cheryltoo. i really wish that sign would hurry, because its killing me. i was talking to me son the other day. found out he feels guilty because he didnt get here in time to say good bye. so now i feel worse, because of me, my son has been feeling the same way. i wanted to tell him right then it was my fault, but i cant handle him hating me. its all so hard. thank you for caring enough to comment. it does help. i just wish there was a way to solve all this. i hate feeling this way. dont know what to do.i just want to be with my husband.

Your son cannot move on until you do and show him life must go on starting tomorrow. Make your life happier for you and your son. he would not like you guys to suffer because of him. That may make him feel guilty for getting sick and causing you so much pain. He knew he was dying. And someday your husband will send you small signs that make you think it's him but you will think you are imagining it, but they will get clearer. He will send your son signs too if he hasn't already. I am sure he wants you to live the rest of your life in peace and try to be happy with your son. You will get stronger, you just need a purpose so find one in your heart. I also lost a son in 2002 (13 yrs old) and I feel guilty about that and went to counceling for a year and a half and realised it was an accident and not my fault. I beleive you will always say well what if I would have done this or that which is normal for every one who have lost people earlier than expected. I know the stress of that is what made my husband ill but I hope it's true that now they are together.

im sorry for all you've been through. they are together with other family members they have missed. they are lucky enough to be in a beautiful place. you are a very brave and smart person. i hope one day to be able to sound as strong. bless you.
and thank you for your kind words. i was just thinking of having my daughter come in here and come clean with her, so tomorrow i can call my son. but thinking is as far as i got. scared they will hate me and i hurt them for no reason. if i work up the courage, i will sure post it to let yall know how it came out. yall are such good caring people. i am blessed to have yalls support. thank you

Oh honey, you didn't kill him.....he sounded very sick and you and the nurse were trying to help him. The last thing your husband saw was your face full of love and concern I'm sure.<br />
This may have happened at that moment, or an hour later or the next day, but it happened when you were there taking care of him, which some people are not as fortunate.<br />
<br />
It is very easy to feel guilty when we are close by when tragedy happens. My husband passed away just over three years ago from a massive heart attack in the ba<x>sement when he was exercising.....we usually do this together, but I was too tired that night. I went upstairs, had a bath and was reading.....then I went to the kitchen, got some cereal, and went back upstairs to read. I realized he had been down there an awful long time and went to check on him, and that's when I found him on the ground. I also had a lot of guilt, and I think part of me understands that I couldn't do anything about it, but another part of me wishes I could have and I think that part blames the other part, hence the guilt. Not sure if that makes sense, but I think that is what can go on in one's head. Maybe it is the same for you, wishing you could have stopped it if you had done something different. But I don't think it is always within our control.........and that sucks.<br />
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I miss my hubby soooo much and still cry often.<br />
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I hope this helps you feel better. Your hubby would not want you to feel this way and he has nothing to forgive you for because this was not in your hands :)<br />
<br />
take care

thank you so much for the kind words. i do try not to feel this way, but cant help it. i keep seeing the look on his face, the look in his eyes. its awful. i need to get past this so i can live again, but dont know how. when my takes a bad hit, which is often, i get so mad at him for leaving me here alone, then the guilt comes because i forced him down, its my fault, i have no right to get mad. i do appreciate all the kind words, at night when i cant sleep i read them to feel better. im sorry about your husband. wish i head was as strong as yours so i could accept all this so i can move on with life. god bless you and your family.

You didnt kill your husband, his illness killed him. You were there for him when he needed you and he knows that wherever he is. My husband was very I'll at the end and sadly died in hospital without his family there. You must not have regrets, they are negative, think only that you did everything you could for him and I know he would have loved you very much. Remember all the good things about your lives together and suppress these terrible thoughts, they have no foundation. Bless you, you deserve to be free of this. Xxx

thank you. wish i felt that way. today is out 21st anniversary and i feel awful. so tired of crying. thank you for caring enough to comment.

thank you. i do still love him with all my heart. july 3rd is our 21 anniversary and that is making it so hard. i would love to move on. i just cant. but i am trying. i really am. i want to be happy and laugh again. tired of all the crying. thank you for your comment. bless you.

I think you really love him so you still think about all of this. But life need to move on, just put all of this down and I think Ron do not want to see you live like this, he would want you to be happy everyday. You can make some like minded friends and make your life more colorful. If you don't mind, you can join 40pluskiss. com. It is for 40 plus matured men/women. You can have a try, hope it would help you get over this finally.

thank you. im really trying to think that, but that look in his eyes wont let me. im just need him to forgive me. but its nice to know people dont hate and blame me. maybe one day i'll open up to my family, and that would help. but dont want them to hate me. im just scard

Hello there,<br />
Please don't feel like that. You didn't kill your husband, its time for him to go. We all have time line just like machines and everything else in life, there is expired date for everything. Can we stop from someone dying? No, you can't, everything happened for a reason. Even if he was sitting up he might die at that position that even worse, at least he is comfortable. <br />
Don't be hard on yourself. <br />
Good luck.