The Truth Wont Set Me FreeI have written 3 stories. So many wonderful people comment on them, pray for me, and wish me happiness. And I appreciate each and every one. But now im going to tell the end of the story. Im going to tell yall why I cant move on and get over Ron. And I hope yall dont hate me when I finish. We all know my husband passed away November 18,2009. But what yall dont know is since that awful day, I have been carrying so much guilt. I did something I cant get over. And until I feel my husband forgives me,I just cant get past this. Someone left a comment I need to talk to my children, maybe it would help, and they need me. But I cant talk to them. I dont feel I deserve their help. And i'll never tell them of my guilt. So here it goes. The night of November 17, Ron hurt so bad, he couldnt sleep or get comfortable. All night I tried moving him around, side to side, it didnt matter what, He couldnt get comfortable. He kept giving me that angel smile of his and telling me hes sorry. I beg him not to say that. He would take my hand and tell me he loved. And I loved him so much. The morning of the 18th, my daughter got up and told me to go to bed and get rest. Within 5 minutes she ran in the bedroom and told me something was wrong. My dear sweet husband held strong til I left and he collapsed. He was sitting on the side of the bed, bent all the way forward with his head in my son-in-laws lap. We couldnt get him to lay down. I called Hospice and they was here in no time. I told the nurse he needs his medicine. Ron had a stomach tube because he couldnt swallow. I tried to lay him down so I could give it to him. Now let me explain something, Ron was man, he was the boss. 18 years of marriage, when we argued, i would tell him how i felt. But him being the man, he had the final say, and i obeyed. That being said heres my guilt. I tried to lay him down, he tried to fight it with his weak body, he kept saying no. For the first time i disobeyed him. I made him lay down. The look on his face, i will never forget. It haunts me when I try to sleep. He looked so scared, the first time ever i saw fear in his eyes. I disobeyed him and made him lay down for stupid medicine. He knew if he laid down he would die, i swear i didnt know that. I just wanted him out of pain. Him dying right then never crossed my mind. Thats when he went into a coma. I begged him not to go. My son was being flown in, and Ron wanted to see him so bad. Because of me, Ron died that day. Because of me Jeffrey didnt get to say good bye to his dad. And why, after 18 years, did i pick that day to disobey? I killed my husband. The man that loved me, trusted me to take care of him, and the last thing he saw and thought was me killing him. He loved me so much, and that was what he got. And til I feel he forgives me, i cant get over it. I cant let the kids know I killed their dad. They would hate me. So there is my story, I hope my friends i made on here doesnt hate me. June 19th is his b-day, and July 3rd will be our 21st anniversary. And all I do is cry, and im hoping this guilt will ease a little. I love and miss him with all my heart. I wish he could see how much im suffering and forgive me. I just wanted to make him comfortable. I didnt know he was going to die if he laid down. I love him.
hjoyce 46-50, F 8 Responses 0 Jun 12, 2012