So Sad

Let me start by telling about my 1st husband who I lost on 09/04/08, we were married just 4 weeks shy of 21 years. He was amazing, he treated me like a princess. I always felt safe in his arms and could talk to him about anything. Then he started feeling bad I finally got him to go to the doctor and of course they misdiagnosed him as having an underactive thyroid disorder. He continue to get worse and I finally took him to the Emergency Room one Saturday. They immediately admitted him and on the following Thursday at 7:00 am he went home to heave. I found out an hour later he actually had a blood disorder which caused his blood to clot. He had a clot in his lung that broke free and hit his heart and it was over. On the way to the hospital that Saturday he made me promise that 1 year after he dies to go out and either get married or find someone who would make me happy. I cried telling him he was all that would ever make me happy. That first year was the worse year of my life. I cried myself to sleep every night and I awoke the same way. I prayed to God to take me, to not let me live another day. I had a 20 year old son at the time of my 1st husbands death who also had a very hard time. But God works in very mysterious first husband and I were married on 10/02 and after a year facing that date again was something I did not want to do. I was seriously thinking about taking my life. I had gone online a few weeks before just looking for someone to talk to when on 10/02 I met my 2nd husband. He was 15 years older then me but he was so kind, sweet and so amazing I couldn't help but fall in love almost instantly. On 12/31/2010 we were married. He was so good to me, we traveled some and brought a new home but he had a bad heart and not long after we met he applied for disability which he eventually got. I didn't mind because I knew God brought us together for a reason and thats all there was to it. Then once again, I'm facing losing my 2nd husband now. Just a few weeks ago his heart stopped beating when he got up early one morning to go to the bathroom and fell. I jumped out of bed and called 911....their telling me that because his brain went without oxygen for a period of time that he will basically be in a vegetative state. I have been praying and praying that God will heal him and bring him back to me but as of today he just lays in bed and doesn't respond to me. I'm back to crying myself to sleep and waking up the same way. I just don't think I can go through this twice, I don't understand why this is happening to me. I love both of my husbands with everything I am and yet I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life.....I know everyone is going to tell me that I can find love again and there's a reason for all this. I don't want another love, I can bare the thought of losing another. I want my husband to wake up and be the sweet loving man I plan to spend the end of my days with.....but I don't think that is going to happen, I just feel so hopeless and so sad!!
Tabby19 Tabby19
46-50, F
Jul 14, 2012