Alcoholic, Emotionally Abusive, But Still My Soul Mate

It's been four years since my husband died and I don't know why I'm writing this now, just feel the need.
I feel a bit of a fraud writing about my loss after reading other stories here about people who've lost someone after a long happy relationship. My marriage wasn't always happy but that doesn't mean I didn't love him, he was my friend, my soul mate. You may find it strange that I say that as you read on, I can't explain it, my stomach would flutter when I thought of him, it still does. Excluding my children, I have never felt as close to anyone before or since and our 'problems' didn't change that.
We were married for eleven years, most of it great. He was very clever, brilliant even, but he did suffer from depression and he drank. When he drank he could be mean, not violent, but emotionally cruel. I coped with the mood swings and the feelings of loneliness and isolation when he drank, but when I could no longer hide it from our children things had to change. It got so bad that I would have to get up early, or rush into the house first after picking the kids up so I could find which room he was passed out in and close the door or physically drag him to somewhere the girls wouldn't see him. I was afraid we'd find him hurt or worse. So after doctors, repeated rehab and relapses and his denial I asked him to leave. 4 months later he died, drank himself to death.
My feelings were a mix of sorrow, anger - he had a wife who loved him, two beautiful kids, no money problems, why wasn't that enough, how could he leave us; guilt - if I'd said nothing, put up with it longer maybe he could have changed, maybe I could have saved him. Because he had moved out I didn't feel I had the right to grieve.
There was just me and the girls and I felt I had to keep it together for them. I have brothers and a sister but they didn't understand. They had seen what his alcoholism had put me through and thought I hated him, they didn't understand I still loved him, i'm not sure i really did at the time. Friends didn't come round, I suppose they didn't know how to react, what to say. I threw myself into work. 6 months after he died I found I was driving to work each day, 50 miles, crying all the way, pulling myself together to do a days work, driving home crying, then stopping when I got home to the kids. Then one day I got to work and I couldn't stop crying, I took some time off and that's when I was really able to grieve.
4 years later it's still just me and the girls. Things do get better with time, at least I spend less time thinking about it, but it hurts just the same when I do. I have thought about a new relationship, I am lonely and I'm still youngish, but I just can't imagine myself with anyone else.
Tazdee Tazdee
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

I am sorry and I truly understand what you are feeling and saying my husband of 11 years the father of my three children was an abusive alcoholic (and I loved him still) and he hung himself on the 4th of July 2012 I miss him more every single day regardless of the bad he was my best friend and my soul mate I will never love anyone else ever