How Do I Move On?

On July 18, 1986 I married the man that made my life worthliving. On April 18,2010 he died in my arms & took my life with him. He was such a good man & had a gift of loving everyon he met. So outgoing & never met a stranger. As for me,Im quieter & have to have time to be comfortable around people. But as different as we worked. That morning he came outside with me to plant some flowers at a newhome we had moved in to in oct . Just a few months before. We was justgetting around to wrking around the place since I had lost a brother in Nov of that year & my mom 3 weeks later. It had hit so hard & id never made it through without him by my side. I never dreamed God would need so much in such a short time. I also lost another brother a little over a month after my husband. That day he was tired but he worked 6 days a week so sundays were always a little laid back. He helped me with the heavy stuff I sent him in to take a nap telling him I would wake him when I wa ready to put some stea on grill. When I came in he was just gettin up. Said he had ate some nus beforelaying down & had set off acid reflux. He took med but kept getting worse. I bgged him to go to erbut he wanted to wait & let meds kick in. I finally cried so he agreed. While I was closing doors he layed down across bed. I told him lets go but he was cold & wanted to warm first. I throwed a blanket over him & lay down behind him & held him. I ask if was better & he said yes a little. So i ask if he was ready to go & he didnt answer. When I jerked him over he was fighting for breath. I called for hlp & did cpr until help came. Less than 5 min. I worked so hard but I let him down. I was the only one that could sav him & I let him down. I cant sleep even after 2 1/2 yrs because I relive it over & over. I ask God every day why he left me here. Why didnt he take me? Terry had so much more to offer the world. Every one tells me time will help but it hasnt yet....Please tell me HOW & WHY DO I MOVE ON> I never dreamed life could be so lonely!!!!!
dge55 dge55
3 Responses Sep 24, 2012

I really don't know any answers to what you have been through and cant even say I know how you feel. I just lost my husband and hate it when people say that. The DONT know how you feel. I lost my husband after he was taken to the hospital by my daughter and went through so many things in the 2 weeks he was there. They actually let him fall down 3 different times. Then he became unable to respond but could hear us cause he would either nod or shake his head or something to let us know. But I was 80 miles from the hospital and then they finally called me to tell me he was going. I raced at 90 or so miles an hour, I didn't make it in time to hold him and be there when he died. I feel like I didn't do something I should have. I have family but its not what I want. He was planing to retire at 67 and we hoped to have some retirement years together. So many sights say grieving is a private and personal thing and nothing is not normal. But I am so lost. I don't know what to do but cry. I wake up in the mornings thinking he is at work then it hits me. He too worked 7 days a weeks. He worked 10 hour days and then was on call on the weekends and many times had to drive 60 miles to ship a part to a customer. He wouldn't slow down and now I am so very lost. I am scared without him and wish I had just a few answers I would feel so so very happy if somethow he could make contact to at least let me know he is still with me spiritually or something to help me feel more peaceful. But it doesn't come. I just wake up every day and grab my blessed little dog, who oddly enough sobbed like a human woman one nite. I have to hold her and rock her cause I thought it was me till I fully woke up and saw that it was her and she just knew my husband was not with us. My husband was gone and she was heart broken. I wish so much he woild contack both of us and let my little Bella Dog know we will be ok and that he is watching over both of is if that is possible. I am as lost and feel like I am losing my mind. But everything I read say NO its normal to feel what you feel and what I feel. But if anyone reads this could I just know if the pain of it ever stops. And how do you go on without your soulmate.

Oh, your post touched my soul. Six months ago my husband of 42 years came to bed with me and complained of a neck ache. Once we laid down he said it was better. I woke up 2 hours later and he was gone. I'm a nurse and I started CPR to no avail. The EMT's arrived and said he probably had been dead for 2 hours.

The Hindu's have a saying that the date of your death is stamped on your forhead the day of your birth.

There's nothing you or I could have done to save our loved one's it was their time. Everytime I go back to that night I tell myself that my husband wouldn't want that for me. He'd want me to remember the good times we had and the love we shared. I'm sure yours would want the same for you. That terrible trauma can own you if you let it. Shut off that terrible memory and replace it with a good one. It works for me 90% of the time.

That is the "?" I ask myself. Lonely is just a part of it all. I lost my wife of 40 years only 3 months ago. It seems an eternity. I hate it and didn't ask for it. Others say it all gets easier with time. I don't know....just know you are not alone, I'm in a pickle too. Depending on Jesus to see me through. He knows the end from the beginning.